Tuesday, January 23, 2007

To The Left..To The Left....

I think its funny how tampon applicators look all feminine and pretty like they’re going to go to a Easter Sunday brunch instead of what they actually do, which is dive in head first into a blood bath that even Stephen King could not imagine. Personally, I want less frills and more honesty in the design of these applicators. Keep the slick “pearl” texture but other than that, make it look like it’ll really protect me and be more than ready to do some battle on Aunt Flow. Maybe more like this:

Are you lovin’ on my Paint SKillzz?? Yes. I know you are.

The hunter gatherer hubby went squid fishing this past weekend and caught two giant squids..my camera is broken so I cannot post a picture but lets just say those bad boys were taller than me! The hubby then cut some of them up into bite sized strips, covered it in a fish fry batter, fried them and served it on the side with some seafood pasta (with little bits of crab, scallops and shrimp in it.) Oh and don’t forget soy sauce, lemon and balsamic vinegar dip he made for the fried squid. Oy vey. You killed it AND you cooked it?!?!?! Oh hells to the yeah.
THAT, ladies in gentlemen, in considered “foreplay” in my world.

You ever get one strand of hair in your face that you feel but can’t see? Annoying but you just can't seem to find the stray hair to brush it out of the way? I’ve actually met human equivalents of hair in the face. My college roommate for example. She was nice enough, smart enough, funny enough but there’s was just SOMETHING about her that sometimes made me want to kick her in the face with soccer cleats. You've met those types right? Then there are those people who are the equivalent of biting tin foil. I just steer clear of those folks.

I don’t get people who are into Nascar and Monster Truck Rallies. First, Nascar…don’t they go around that track like 500 times? Who sits through that? Call me at lap 499 and then we’ll talk. Or how about setting a Hot Wheels track that goes up the side of a mountain and has an upside down loopity loop? Now THAT would be worth watching.
Monster Truck fans are the most puzzling. They're cheering for a truck. Not the driver. The Truck. Some even wearing shirts depicting their “favorite” truck. Why? It has big tires and runs over cars. Isn’t that what they’re built to do? That’s a lot like cheering for Star Jones when she has a fifth helping of fried twinkies. What’s the surprise?

I’ve been sucked into the cult of 24 by Riss, except I’m SO behind. I just finally watched the first two hours of the 4 hour finale last night and I’m officially into this show. I’ve heard about the bad ass-ness of Jack Bauer and yeah, about two minutes into it, I had a boner for Bauer too. (I swear I’m catching up to this show this week…thank goodness for DVR.)

My girl is quite the little singer of tunes. Usually, I’ll hear her singing the typical stuff like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” or “Old McDonald,” when she’s playing. The other day, I was in the other room washing dishes (fun!) and she was singing something really quietly. I kind of tiptoed into the room because she’ll stop if she sees she has an audience. And I heard her singing…
“To the left, To the left.. everything you own in the box to the left.”
“..in the closet, that’s my stuff, mm.mmm. mm. please Don’t TOUCH!”

For those of you who don’t know.. that’s a song by Beyonce called “Irreplacable”..Hopefully, my girl will sing it to a guy one day.

Sometimes, when I get excited, I fart. (Oh yes, I STANK it up during the Madonna concert..the poor suckers behind me never knew what hit them.)

I don't know why I just shared that fun fact, but I couldn't hold that secret in any longer.

Can you tell I'm running out of shit to say?

I just realized my 1 year blogaversary passed unceremoniously. So in honor of my one year of blogging for no apparent reason about nothing in particular, here is my very first blog post:

Keepin' them pert and alert. Is this a condition?

I am an anti-free boobist. In fact, I'm such an anti-free boober, that I will wear my bra all the live long day and won't take them off until the last absolute minute I get into bed, THEN.. oh yes, there's a THEN my friend.... while I sleep, I cradle them close to me as if somehow my girls will make a run for it in the middle of the night.
I've heard that the French chicks put cold water on them to tighten up the skin and keep them "pert." Now, I'm the last person to be listening to the damn stinky French; however, after reading that tiny tid bit, I now shock my boobs into a little cold water splash everytime I take a shower. I am just obsessed with keeping my nipples pointed straight and not at my toes! Is this a condition? a sickness? Why am I adamant about keeping my funbags from turning into hackie sacks? And if it IS indeed a sickness, what is called? Saggy Sweater Meat Syndrome? SSMS? Tumbling titty Anxiety? TTA? Yeah, I think that's it. Is there a pill for this? I'd like to let the girls run free now and then, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

What dumb post.
And the stupidity continues....


Miss-Informed said...

"To the left, to the left..." Adorable. Funny you threw in the fact of tooting when excited. Stay away from the beans I would say. Hilarious first blog as well. Sounds like you enjoyed the squid, mmm!

Riss said...

YES! I'm like an infection except without the pustules.

Cute story on the singing!

jali said...

You've been hot as hell since day uno, mamma!

Love the first post.

Happy anniversary. (I just farted in excitement for you)

I just won't watch Jack Bauer - I already have a TV man - Gregory House.

Kristi said...

You drew a picture of a tampon. In camo. And a machine gun.

I. love. you.