The Hills.....

....are alive with the sound OF IDIOTS...in the form of (gasp)...women.
Or should I say little girls?

If you don't already know, one my shameful addictions is reality T.V. and one shameful show that I'm double shamefully addicted to is The Hills. Click on the link to find out why its sad that I watch this show, because I'm too lazy to type out what it's about. But for you F-Listers like me, who are on the up and up.. here's my thoughts on the season premiere.


1. Lauren's summer consisted of fighting with her boyfriend at the beachhouse they rented for the summer and then breaking up with his hairy ass. Ummm. I SO feel like making "I Told You So" pillowcases for Lauren to go with her "I'm A Dumb Ass" comforter and her "I'm We Todd Did" nightshirt. While Whitney, the SMARTER chick who took her spot in Paris, did things like..oh I don't know...visit CoCo Chanel's house, attend Paris fashion shows, took a gander at the priceless art at the Louvre' (Traveler's note: when in France it is imperative that you pronounce it as LOO-VUR... with a country accent.. really pisses the French off.....always entertaining. Cuz' really what are they going to do? Not take another shower?...ba dum dum. Thank you.)

2. New character: SPENCER..who is apparently playing Heidi and Audrina against each other. Heidi likes Spencer, Spencer pretends to have a giant boner for Heidi but gets a chubby for Audrina on the side. He's taking Audrina out to the same restaurants he's taking Heidi to and giving her the same lines, one in particular that was quite a show stopper was this:

Spencer: "I couldn't be any happier right now.."
Heidi: "Oh why, because of that margarita?"
Spencer: Umm nooo, I'm the happiest guy because I'm out with Heidi Hagwag, drinking my favorite drink at my favorite restaurant" (insert lovesick puppy dog look)

Heidi then swoons at him like he quoted a fucking sonnet from Shakespeare whereas I would have vomited my nachos and guacamole onto his plate. Not only because that was the lamest line I've ever heard but also because..eww.. ...guacamole. Me no likey.
And to top it off: SHE stays at his house overnight and the next episode looks like she has a pregnancy scare.

Why oh WHY do some GIRLS out there make me ashamed to be a woman?? DAMN. How about making the lil fucker WORK for the Ill Na Na just a tad? You're just going to wrap it up in a box, put a big red Ho Bow on it and give it to him on the FIRST NIGHT?? I made my first boyfriend wait a YEAR with no guarantees that it would happen. (Oh yeah. Because the Midget Na Na IS THAT GOOD ladies and gents and seriously, if my moms found out, I would not be here with you fine folks today.....in fact 10 percent is the good midget nana and 90 percent would be my Robocop mom...oh no wait, at least 5 percent would fall under "relentless tease").

AND NOW...the girls, who were previously friends, aren't talking to each other over some asstank who, in my opinion, looks like a porn star Ricky Schroeder. They are completely oblivious that the idiot is taking advantage of them. Can estrogen turn a woman's brains into petrified shit when exposed to certain types of testosterone? I just don't get it...

3. ...well really there is no three except for the fact that even though I'm in perpetual eye rolling mode while I watch this show.. I will continue to watch it. To me, it's like Apple Martinis. I drink one and I almost gag..I drink another and it's still not that great...I'm totally blasted and licking my own feet by the fourth one and yet still...I go for the fifth. I hate apple martinis but I will drink the hell out of them. So ..yeah....what was my point? Apple Martinis. Love/Hate and so it goes with The Hills.

So I will choke another episode down next week and vomit my thoughts to you fine people. Honestly though, the show IS fun to watch...and really, if I can't sit on my pedestal and judge the rich people...well then I really wasted some good money on ebay buying that pedestal.

Ba dum dum.

Thank you.