The Interview

My blog: First off, thanks for joining us today, what with your "busy" schedule and all.

Me: I'm happy to be here but what's with the quotations on the word busy?

My blog: My, my, aren't we're starting off on a defensive foot? I meant exactly what I said.
"Busy."

Me: I'm not being defensive, but I told you that the only way I would sit down for this interview is if you don't get bitchy at me over ...over..um...

My blog: ......Abandoning me....go on...

Me: Okay. SEE? Right there. I thought you wanted to sit down and just have a nice chat, but I KNEW you were going to do this!

My blog: Excuse me miss, but how would YOU know anything?!? You haven't been HERE remember? I mean, shit.. look at this place! It smells of moth balls and Britney's cooch!

Me: (sigh) I don't even know why I bother. Seriously. What part of "BUSY" do you not understand??...and how would you know what Britney's cooch smells like anyways?

My blog: OOOOh yeah,"Miss Busy Woman" ...oooh yeah, lookit at me, I'm too busy to blog, wha wha wha...oh what's this, America's Next Top Model? Oh yay, I'm going to watch it twice and scream my ass of when Caridee wins..ooh busy busy busy." ...yeah, you're really busy alright.

and HELLO, everyone knows what Brits cooch smells like...K-Fed...which smells a lot like beer, cigarettes and belly button cheese. Quite pungent.

Me: Okay, first, much thanks for the descriptive details on the KFed funk. I appreciate it.
Look whaddya want me to do exactly? I have school, I have a daughter, I had to go to Missouri for thanksgiving...

My blog: Excuses! Excuses! YOU HAVE time to blog! I SAW YOU!!

Me: Saw me where?!?!?

My blog: (sniff, sniff) I.....(lip quiver) ....I saw you ...WRITING somewhere ELSE!!!!

Me: Alright, you've gone to the bad place. Where EXACTLY did you see me writing and what the hell were you doing spying on me anyways?? Not that I have to explain myself but I could have easily been doing homework. It WOULD be typical for you to jump to conclusions.

My blog: oh nooo, no no no no no Miss Mcslacker! Don't you turn this around on ME! Its YOUR fault this blog has gone to shit.
Your.
Fault.

Abandoner!!! Traitor!!!

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Me: Do you want me to come back?

My blog: Don't do me any favors bitch.

Me: Alright fine, then I'm going.

My blog: See? See how you are? You don't care! You NEVER cared!

Me: (sigh) Here we go.
....listen, I care. I really do CARE.

My blog: Do you ? do you really? I mean, lookit at me. I'm a mess without you. And you're a mess without me either. Admit it. Why else would you come and have a "nice chat" with me? You're looking for an excuse to come back.

Me: you're right.

My blog: so say it....

Me: say what?

My blog: Say, "I'm a complete ego maniac and have to talk about myself at all times, no matter wha..."

Me: You can stop right there because I'm not going to say that.

My blog: Fine.

Me: Fine.

So what now?

My blog: Say, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard"

Me: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

My blog: WHAT? I can't hear you...

Me: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS IN THE YARD! There? You happy?!?!?

My blog: now shake your ass while you spank the air...

Me: (boody thrusting, spanking air...)

My blog: Good.

Me: Now what?

My blog: Say, "I'm your bitch and I'm coming back even if I don't have shit to say.."

Me: You're my bitch....

My Blog: NO. YOU'RE my bitch..you know what..never mind? Don't come back.

whore.

Me: You're a whore.

My blog: Witty comeback. Brava!

Me: Look can't I just come back without having to humilate myself?

My blog: Ummm..last I checked this interview is currently being written and directed by you, so I'm pretty sure you can stop this wierd little conversation in your head at any time Sybil.