Friday, December 15, 2006

Don't Call It A Comback...just call it a slut and spit on its face...

Dear Pete,

Who are you and why are you in my life? Whilst I normally love all things Euro/Brit, you, my friend, are a glaring exception. If I was challenged to put forth everything I’m not particularly fond of that was begat from England, it would bare a striking resemblance to your greasy ass…with a hint of Prince Charles…and Camilla’s jowels…but I digress…. The glassed-out Mr. Bean eyeballs, your fucked up grill with the pleasing tint of “nicotine yellow,” the hair that appears to be coated with day old bar sweat and of course, your frozen chicken, pasty skin is a reason that I highly approve of interracial relationships. Aside from the fact that you’re a cracked out nut fuck, I’ve never once seen a PICTURE that looked like it would smell like rotten taint’ if you walked by it …..up until I came across yours that is.
Hurry up and OD already so I don’t have to see more pictures of you coming out of some sleazy bar at 3:00 am looking like that kid in second grade that I did not want to sit by because I could see his earwax from space.

Love,

Me.


Dear Angelina,

Can.

I.

Lick.

Your.

Face?




No?

Okay, just thought I’d ask. Call me if you change your mind.

Love, me

Dear Matthew,

Listen, I don’t give a rat’s ass if its winter! How dare you put clothes on? I mean, I did not spend dollars upon dollars on my “no shirt for Matthew” campaign only to have my biggest supporter opening up his closet the minute the air gets nippy. True men (with abs) don’t need shirts! Tough it up son! Nor do they need to dress in mismatched suits to shamelessly plug their new movie. You need not jump through hoops Mateo, if you stand on the corner sans shirt and write down ….wait..HAVE ME write down the name of your new movie on your abs with my tongue ..I mean....a Sharpie, ....it would garner much more positive attention.


Oh hell, who am I kidding?
I’d still hit it.


Love,

Me.

Dear America’s Next Top Model (or Tyra),

First, this season was the most frustrating season I’ve ever seen. Not only where the challenges getting a bit…..ESTUPIDO (ummm, a wobbly runway in a pool? What next Tyra? Tightrope walk over a croc infested swamp?? Bikini fashion show in Iraq? How about a Mt. Everest race in high heels?) but the judging sucked big hairy assballs (don’t ask me what assballs are folks, just use your imagination). FIRST, Jaeda and Dead Eye Eugena got WAY too many chances, whereas Brooke, A.J. and Meg fucked up once and were unfairly booted by the stay puff marshmallow that is Tyra Banks. I was about to pull out the race card but then I remembered that I only had those Chippendale nudie cards I got free from Las Vegas. Oh well. I also especially loved the words of “advice” doled out by the Ms. Banks herself.
“Oh Caridee, you must listen to your body, know your limits and understand when it’s had enough, if you were cold, get out of the pool”…
(later on at the judging panel…)
”Caridee, I don’t know if you have the stamina it takes to be a model. I used to model while frozen in a block of ice and I was fine. Who cares if your body was going into convulsions, a true model would be able to make near death experiences a beautiful thing..”

You redeemed yourself when at least ONE of my picks actually made the top three and won. (Caridee. Woot woot.) But the final straw was the “ANTM British Invasion” show you teased me with this week. I was so excited about getting another dose of ANTM, but sadly, I could not make it past a half hour of this BORING ass show. No Miss J? No Mr. J? No Nigel? The top model girls were ehhhh…(although I love when they get bitchy with each other in those accents. “Screw you” never sounded so sophisticated.) And hell, I even missed Tyra’s pork chop arms. So thanks ANTM, but no thanks on the British Invasion bit. (did they show up later in the show? someone tell me, because I'm about the erase from my tivo list) The show was about as bland as the food over there…(seriously, have some salt people...do they HAVE salt in England?..how about some barbeque sauce… Anybody?)

Love, Me.


HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND YO.

9 comments:

Softball Slut said...

Pete is NASTY Like Mr Doughtety if you're nasty

Angelina - OMG I want to have a baby with her so she can adopt it and then we raise it together cause she is in love with me.

Matt - Can we play naked bongos? I live in Austin!! I AM CLOSE BABY!!

HATED ANTM British. They were ugly and I couldnt understand a damn word they were saying the whole time until I put on captions

Anonymous said...

YES. Yes to everything you said, I agreed with everything. Just imagine that afte every stentence you wrote, I put my fist in the air and said WORD"

Anonymous said...

Except that, I don't mean to be rude but who knows what Angelina has on her face. She goes to a lot of crazy places. You might lick her and get African Sleeping Sickness on your tongue.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Holy crap! You're back. Yay.

Elaine said...

Riss: Gurl, she could take Zahara's AND Shiloh's poopy diapers and smear it on her face and yet STILL I would happily lick away.

She's that HAWT.

Anonymous said...

Pete - *shudder*
Angie - HOT! I would hit it - and I love my mens.
Matt - WTF is up with that outfit?? Take it off honey, take it off.
ANTM - didn't see it but I am intrigued. Is it really that bad? Makes me want to watch and find out!

Anonymous said...

Ooh, Lainey - you were having problems at my site cause you are still on the old blogger. Change over to the new blogger beta :)

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

That first guy looks like something Noel or Liam Gallagher may have shit out their ass after a Taco Bell binge.

Kristi said...

I'm with you on ANTM. Although I'm glad Caridee won over Mel(looks like a tranny)Rose and Eu(nice girl but also looks a little like a guy)gen(and isn't it time for a blondie anyway?) ia.

20 points if you can figure out what I just said there.