Thursday, October 19, 2006

It's a Fugly Friday Ya'll!!

Dear P. Doody,

So you spend your money on Cristal, bling blang, diamond watches, yachts and blah blah blah.. but here's an idea. What about that mouth P? Can you perchance budget in a surgery to fix all that open mouth breathing that you do? Because a heavy bottom lip and giving everyone a hot steam gingivitus facial when you talk to them doesn't go well with an Armani suit. And really Diddy? MUST you talk about your sex life in public? I know it was a shocking revelation to everyone that a guy with money banged a bunch of hot chicks. Truly, you are a pioneer. But really, I don't want to know about your giant open mouth steam cleaning some random girl's nanny hairs straight okay? I can only imagine what the room must smell like after you've had sex and your puffy breathin' goes overtime. Spam and moldy towels anyone?

Please. Close your piehole.

Then again, even when you do manage to close your mouth, it still looks like you've got Biggie's sausage shoved up under your gums.

Never mind. Just don't speak directly at me when we meet okay? My hair frizzes easily.

Love, Me

Dear Marc Anthony,

You know what's really good? Showers. You know what's better than showers? Cheeseburgers. You should try both of those one day.
You know what you don't need? Another box of Soul Glo Jerry Curl from Costco. Really. Stop. Your hair looks like it got in a fight with a tub of Vaseline and lost. It's starting to look flammable. Athough I'm sure its pretty convenient to just rub your head onto a squeaky door or help Jlo's butt slide through tight doorjambs, hallways and out of the toilet, the grease in your hair IS getting seriously excessive. And how about laying of the meth for a bit skeletor? Its getting harder and harder for me to tell you apart from a praying mantis. You know you need to lay off when the ol' Adam's apple is casting shadows on the sidewal and weighing you down my friend. I think they can see that thing from space.
It makes me wonder what JLo sees that I don't see. My superficial conclusion is that you HAVE to be packin'..which then makes me wonder what a Scrawny McTwiggerson like you looks like naked...and then a wierd visual of Nicole Ritchie straddling a boa constrictor pops into my head...then last night's pizza suddenly wants to make an appearance...then I stop thinking about it and go scrub myself hard...with borax.

Love, Me.

Dear Donatella,

When I stare upon the eyes of the grim reaper ..( so many thoughts come to mind. I start thinking of fraggle rock and wonder if they miss you over there. I also think of cheap leather handbags from Mexico and wonder if they overnight your excess skin to Tijuana after you get your face lift every week. You know, come to think of it, Juan SAID it was an authentic Versace purse, and by God, I think he might have been telling the truth!
I wonder about the hours of tanning that went into that leather shoe that I believe is suppose to be your face. I also made the mistake of wondering what you looked like first thing in the morning and had to fight the urge to put a sharp pencil in ear and give myself a lobotomy after my brain conjured up an image of a rabid golden retriever with a failing liver and jaundice.
I want to poke your upper lip, just to hear the hissing noise come out.
I feel sorry for Jessica Simpson, who's pretty much going the Donatella route and Pamela Anderson who's halfway there. (By "feel sorry" I really mean "anxiously awaiting the day with uncontrolled glee" ..but really, that goes without saying.)

Seriously, say no to collagen Donna dear (just buy those wax lips at the candy store.. same effect) and that white inner nose makeup you constantly powder your nose with.
I would recommend some sunscreen but that's like trying to polish a turd at this point isn't it? How about some salt, pepper, teriyaki sauce, hickory smoke and some maple.. because you're two seconds away from being beef jerky.

Love, Me.

Oh God. I need to stop. This is too much Fugly on a Friday!

wait for it..........wait for iiiittttt....WAIT FOR ITTTT!!!!!

Aaaaaaaah!...all is right in the world again.

Have a Great Weekend My Beautiful Bitches!


Anonymous said...

lmfao! seriously, it's like you are reading my thoughts and writing them down - and making them 10 times funnier while you're at it. thank you.

Miss-Informed said...

You really know how to pick out the uglies! Marc Anthony was a highlight, then to my utter amazement I scroll down and lo and behold there is Donatella gracing the page! She looks like a scary pitbull of some sort. Unfortunante to be so homely...Nix nay on the knife ay!

Kim said...

Is Donatella also the cat lady? Or are they two different people?

And yeah, Mark Anthony.... NASTIER! He's such a greasy $hit.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I thought your p.diddy bit was your best ever... until I read the Marc Anthony. Classic.

popfizz said...


money = bitches???

thats how its done????!?!?!

i thought chick fall for guys with quick wit and a thick pee-pee.

oh well.

p-diddy has all the fun.

NeverEnough said...

My GOD I've missed reading your shit!! This just made it all worth it! Funny as fuck Elaine!

hotdrwife said...

I went to a party a few months ago and one of the women there certainly could have given a run for the money on Donatella. She looked like she was permanently stuck in a leather-inducing wind tunnel.

Seriously. How do you NOT look in the mirror and scare yourself??

Softball Slut said...

thank you for Matt

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That hit on Mark Anthony was one sweet burn!

karaoke queen said...

Hmmm, someone needs to tell these people that Halloween is at the END of the month. The END of the month. They should put away the scary costumes until then.

Anonymous said...

Midget power! (right fist in the air)

Funny as hell.

I can't pick a favorite - they were all great!

Matthew's looking great again.