Friday, June 02, 2006

TGIFLF!!! (Thank God Its Fan Letter Friday!!)

Friday already?!?!? Can I get a WHA? WHA? You gotta love three day weekends! But lookit me babbbling on and on, let's get the letters rollin' shall we?

Dear Meg,

Wow. Where do I begin? Is this what happens when you suck down on some of Russell Crow's angry bearded Aussie man juice? Because that was about the same time that this incident with your "lips" occurred.. ...or at least sometime immediately afterwards yes? Or maybe this is what happens when you cheat on Dennis Quaid? Holy crap that's it! I hope to God that Dennis' new wife is taking notes. I mean, what would happen to her if she pulled a Meg? A festering, unhealable boil on her coochen? or maybe something more noticable, like a tail that she can wag? Because having a tail AND a coochen boil would not equal to the horror that is your lips Meg. Seriously. Its just wrong, considering you were America's sweetheart that could do no wrong..well, immediately after Sally Field of course.... you can't top the cuteness of Gidget, even if she is 100 years old. But I digress......because now, you're about as cute as toe fungus. All this time I thought Tom "Batshit Crazy" Cruise had all the powers but now I see that Dennis trumps his couch jumping abilities with his powers to turn lips into roast beef. Damn Meg. Karma and Mr. Quaid are such bitches aren't they?!

Love, Me.

edit: Just in case you guys didn't know what Meg USED to look like before she encountered the Wrath Of Quaid:
We Miss You Normal Lipped Meg!

Dear David,

I used to watch your magician of the street shit and was amazed and impressed by your seemingly Warlock-like powers. However, lately..."impressed" is not the word that comes to mind when I think of you standing somewhere and soiling yourself for a really long time, or being encased in glass with no food and soiling yourself for a really long time OR being in an aquarium soiling yourself....for a really long time. No, the word "impressed" does not come to mind.. a much more descriptive term comes to mind...(cough..Attention Hungry Manwhore Who Ran Out Of Card Tricks.. cough, cough!) For your next trick, why don't you do something more exciting? Maybe see how many Clorox Catpiss Cocktails you can drink?
"But wouldn't that kill me?" you ask?
Yes it would.

Love, me

Dear Asswipe That Got Anna Nicole Pregnant,

So what was it? Was it her new svelte, meth.. I mean, "TrimSpa" body? Was it the way she falls face first onto the sidewalk everytime she gets out of the car? Maybe its those new bubba gums that's she's been sportin' lately? was it the way she said.." vajayna feels sticky! hee hee!" or maybe that, before you, she was suckin down a wrinkly wee wee from 1905? (because you know, she LOVED that old bastard.. billions of dollars or not.. she loved her some liver spots..). OR maybe it a combination of all these attractive qualities that drew you to her like a fly to a lump of crap. Either which way, any reasonable man would have ran the other way had they felt themselves get hard over the car wreck that is Anna Nicole, but not you, oh nooo. You decided it would be a great idea to stick it to the woman with coleslaw for brains and hey, while you're pumpin away, why don't we keep the mush brain legacy alive and impregnate her?!
WAIT! Did Britney put you up to this? Because if anyone can kick her ass in the "worst mother in the world" contest it would be definately be this petri dish with legs.
Regardless, for this baby's mental well being I have taken immediate action. Angelina Jolie has also been notified and will be adopting said baby upon delivery. Just give Anna the placenta and tell her she had a girl, boy or a fuzzy bunny rabbit.. whatever. She won't know the difference. Thank me later.

Love, Me.

Dear Taxi and/or Banana,

I don't know why you're famous but I'm assuming you are, as there were papparazzi all over the place when you went out to "walk your dog." However, its glaringly obvious that you've never walked a dog in your life, and really, I didn't expect a taxi (or banana?) to know how to walk a dog. So why did you do it? and in transvestite hooker heels no less? The dog is clearly not having a great time either and you could easily fall and dent or bruise something in those shoes. Please write back and explain this fiasco to me. OH and don't forget to tell me why you're famous too. Someone told me that you weren't a taxi (or banana?) and that you were actually Mariah Carey, which would explain the whole "lookit me, I lost 1.5 pounds and I'm really just a normal person walking my dog" photo op situation.. but it still doesn't explain why either of your are famous. So write back soon. Explain.

Love, Me.

Have a great weekend everyone! (yes! It's the weekend again! God I love three-day weekends) people. Make sure to tune in on Monday because someone may or may not be going to another Madonna concert again. (Someone may or may not have completely lost their minds going to three of these..but I can tell you for a FACT that someone IS broke.) Just remember that Paypal is easy and charitable contributions are tax deductible. Email me.


Judy said...

Thanks for the weekly dose! I've been waiting for this all week...
Dude! Madonna is still in LA? Well, I hope you get to see her again. Have a great weekend!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Somebody knocked up ANS?

Leilouta said...

and I thought "" site was funny! You're funnier, and I love the way you write. It feels like you're talking to me personally.I also love the terms you to banana, taxi,dear asswipe that got Anna Nicole pregnant etc....

Shannon Bieger said...

OMG you need to put a rating system on your posts. This was one of your raunchiest yet = P

Anonymous said...

If you wanna make a point, why don't you use recent pictures?


Elaine said...

Judy: Yes, this is the last concert Madonna has in LA. You have a great weekend too!

LBB: Sadly, yes.

Leilouta: Thanks girl! Glad you got a laugh!

Shannon: Sorry, my raunch factor on this post was turned up a bit huh? next time.. PG13 OR R rating for sure! :D

Anonymous: What pictures aren't recent? OH and just for future reference, I have no point.


Elaine said...

oh anonymous.. are you a Mariah Carey fan, is that the picture you wre talking about? because sadly the picture of that cow IS recent. Last week.

Sorry bout' that!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...


thats awesome about the madonna deal.

THAT WAS MARIAH CAREY?!?! Oh man, she looks awful. I thought it was willie nelson or dog the bounty hunter in disguise.

jack said...

Ok Ok ... Nasty Ass Anna and that tub of lord will you Carey me I'm too fat to walk Mariah Carey deserved what you gave them but Sweet You got Mail Meg.

That was over the top. Just vicious of you.

Julie Jewels said...

Another gut buster Friday!!
Poor of my favorites and she made your FLF!

Miss-Informed said...

Meg Ryan's roast beef lips got me crackin' up! Poor girl! They transformed her sweet face into the Joker from Batman...ahhh, shucks!

karaoke queen said...

Ahhhhh, I've been waiting for these :) What the hell happened to Mariah????? And why does she look like a tube of mustard???

Erin said...

Elaine, you are so funny, I am now hooked on FLF!