Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Be still my heart?!?!?! A weekly thing? Maybe. I don't know. Just shut up and enjoy eh?

Dear Tyra,

Through sheer bad luck and evil forces from the unknown.. I was forced to watch your daytime show. You couldn't just sit back and enjoy the brilliance that is ANTM, oh nooooo, not you Tyra. You done thought you were the next Aaron Spelling.. only taller, with bigger boobs and not white......so behold, the crap that is The Tyra Banks show was born and the world shuddered. But I sat back, willing to give it a chance because A. I can't believe its still on and B. this episode happened to be a thinly veiled informercial about ANTM. So I was actually enjoying myself for a bit.. UNTIL, you proved to me once again why you are so NOT the next Oprah....(you're not even the next Ricki Lake come to think of it) Whilst Oprah builds new orphanages in Africa, you Tyra, oh dimbulb, tugged at our heartstrings by giving a girl with no eyebrows an EYEBROW surgery. .............................................................................................what?!
Seriously Tyra???? You couldn't come up with a better charity case than that????? Okay, if that's how it's going to be, check out this sob story:
"oooh Tyra (sniff, sniff, tearing up), I ....(gulp) ...am only 4'9!!!! (okay, 4'8.. but give a bitch an inch will ya???) [The audience gasps in unison] Yes! yes! It's true! I admit it. When I go to Target, I can't even pay for my items with my ATM without having to stand on my tiptoes to press the buuutttooonssssss on the ATM Thingggyyy!!!! (sobbing uncontrollably). And for the longest time....(sniff sniff)...I can't believe I'm admitting this on national television.. but .. I had to have my husband order for me at Pick Up Stix because I couldn't reach the counter!!! .....WAAAAH!! please Tyra, give me some shin extensions!!!!"

Love, Me.

Dear Britney,

I don't know whether to cry for you, laugh at you or throw you some change. I could have told you not to open thy legs up to a rebound. I could have told you that a guy who cannot pull up his pants and serenades you via "a rap song" is not exactly a good choice. I could have told you to get on the pill, have that fucker put on a condom AND pull out, lest his seed finds your garden...shit, I could have told you NOT to fuck that idiot at all and to just buy a vibrator! But no truer words were spoken when someone said: "You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you sure can't take the trailer park out of the girl." (your picture here)
You cheated on Justin Timberlake and immediately fell for a guy who LEFT HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND for you?? DING DING!!! MARRIAGE MA-TE-RI-AL!!! YEEEHA! Now every picture I see of your poor baby, he has this look of perpetual surprise on his face. He's surprised he was concieved and he's surprised that you're stupid enough to get PREGNANT AGAIN.
What is it? Is it his Caucasian corn rows? His chain smoking? The cute little pot belly that protrudes through his dirty wifebeater? Or his mad rappin' skillz?
Whatever it may be, it's time to leave the trailer park Britney. I know, I know, there's endless amounts of pork rinds and cigarettes to be had there, but it's just not good for you sweetie. Leave. Now. (don't forget to put your shoes on first...they go on your feet...there you gooooo..)

EDIT: Okay, seriously now, someone has to save this poor child from Britney's clutches. Why oh why is the baby FACING FORWARD in his child seat???!!!! OMG, I never knew stupidity of this caliber existed until Britney Spears decided to procreate! Somebody SPADE OR NEUTER HER NOW!
Love, Me

Dear Penelope:

I think it is imperative for you to start a blog. And not just any blog, because I really don't care about your "career," the current movie you're working on, the free shit you get from designers or how for reasons unknown to man, your accent gets worse and worse the longer you live in America....no one cares..(well except that last part. How do you do THAT?) I only care about your boyfriend. What's THAT LIKE?? How does his abs feel? What about his butt? When he kisses you, where does his hands go? Let us live vicariously through you oh Penelope, you lucky bitch. That's the least you could do after scoring such ass.
Please include descriptive details and lots of pictures.. preferably half nude to fully nude ones... of him coming out of the shower.. or walking around the house...or maybe when he's giving you some good lovin'. They have those little prop up cameras nowadays for cheap Penelope, he'd never notice.

Come on.

Love, Me

Dear Japanese people,

I love you guys.

Why yes, I will have a creamy ball.

Love, Me


Judy said...

I hope Tyra gets you those shin implants, then you can ride the roller coasters at Six Flags, yay!

Julie Jewels said...

I love your fan letters!!!

J. said...

Oh girl, you HAVE to do this regularly-like.
HAVE to. I said.
So there.

J. said...

And WTF are creamy balls?

Doesn't matter really, I'm PMS'ing and I want one regardless.

Oh, and I linked your ass.

CP said...

Okay, you SO have to keep the fan letter thing going on Tuesdays. I laugh so hard at the shit you come up with. The Britney thing nearly made me pee. You're the BOMB, babygirl!


Elaine said...

Judy: I'm still waiting for my shin implants...

Julie: Thanks!

J: I don't know what creamy balls are but I love that you linked my ass. that was nice.. felt nice too...

cp: You know I am making Tuesday Fan Letters a weekly thing because my pimp (you) said so!

Debi said...

Penelope is my hero. Tap that ass guh! Pass the creamy ball.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You're only 4'8"? Dude, that's the perfect size. By the time you get to junior high school I'm sure you'll be 5'2" or so. Just be patient.

NeverEnough said...

I'm with you on the Penelope request. I'd looove to see his creamy balls! Yuck, that sounds so gross. But I would...

Leilouta said...

I am planning on "linking your ass" too.You are too funny, and I love you :)

Some Random Girl said...

Britney is so skanky. Ick. What is she thinking?

Miss-Informed said...

You are so right about Oprah's legends ball, and yes, Tyra's show is retarded! Alas, Brittney is needing her some shoes! EWWW! Ugly feet- those dogs are barkin'! Penelope is one of the luckiest ladies in the world. I'd buy those videos! I agreed with you on everything! You are hilarious!

karaoke queen said...

If you like those creamy white balls I can send you some pretty funny pics from Japan :) LOL I've been here over a year and I still don't believe the stuff I see here!