Thursday, May 18, 2006

A Mish Mash O' Crap. ENJOY!


I think by now you ALL know what I'm talking about, so I won't explain. First, let me start off by thanking Shannon for the coolest photo collage she made for me. I entered it into a contest for Front Row Tickets, unfortunately, it was a no-go, but I definately think I was in the running with this:

click to enlarge..dontcha wish men were that easy??..oh wait, they are...

She's a scrappin' genius. I on the other hand, need to get Photoshop For Dummies because I just can't figure that bitch out. I WILL though damn it! I WILL learn Photoshop! Photoshop is my Everest.

Onto other news...

You know we have to start of with ANTM. It was an awesome episode because Jade was knocked out of the top three! DING DONG! The dimbulb's GONE!!! I was secretly hoping that Miss J. would stand up and jab her jugular with his pointy heeled Blahniks when she went into one of her long winded diatribes during judging again. and what about the "poem" she had at the end folks???... had I been one of the girls that came back to find that load of crap, I would have added my own two cents by wiping my ass with it. So I was all smiles for the rest of the episode
because really, I was happy with either girl winning. I was favoring Joanie a little but Danielle just had the catwalk down, she certainly has a presence and despite what the judges say, I think her accent is hilarious. What? You mean, we can't change it to "Covah Guurl?" Why not?????

I really think my original career choice of being a modeling agent was my calling. I haven't been watching ANTM long, but so far my genius midget eye has picked out two of the winners and the ones that haven't won, were at least at the top five. Its enough to make me entertain the
thought of getting into it again after Maddy starts going to school, but then of course, I remember the "people" I had to deal with. Hmm, let's think.. work at home in pajamas OR work with walking, talking, shallow pools of bile? Decisions. Decisions. I'm not talking about the models either.. I'm talking about the modeling agents. Sad little nerds who got the perfect job of barking orders at the pretty people who used to pick on them in high school. If you guys have ever seen 8th and Ocean on MTV, you'll see what I mean. So yeah. Nix that idea. I'll just play one on T.V.

I got nuttin' this Thursday so I lets pull out my muse for some inspiration.
(US Magazine biatch. Lifetime Subscription. Recognize.)

Nicole Ritchie says, "Yes, I'm too thin." (After getting her tailbone caught in a lawnchair.)

Chad Michael Murray was banned from his fiancee's prom. (what?!? Should those two words even go together in a sentence???) His new nickname? "Gepphedo....(phile)" ......[cue canned laughter]

On May 15, Oprah presented her Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball. Quoth Oprah: "I just wanted a night where we can fill each other up with bullshit, bask in how we're so great and so envied and then televise it nationwide...just in case there are people out there who don't already know." (Thanks Oprah...I'll have a creamy ball instead.)

....aaaannnddddd...I'm spent. There's a drought of good shit to write about apparently because, like me, US Magazine's got nuttin' too. But you know who never fails me? Japanese people!!! They're so polite.. even their toothbrushes have great manners:

Hmmm.. that would be a good little slogan to tattoo on Paris Hilton's ass. Ba dum dum. Thank you, thank you.. enjoy the veal, tip your waiter.. I'm on again at 7:00 and 12:00.......

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day!!!! Brad and I had a picnic at the beach and watched the fruit of our loins run about like a crazy woman holding a toy shovel, with a nose full of sand. Personally, I think nine months of morphing into a beach whale, squeezing out something that looks like a wet St. Bernard out of something the size of a strawberry, and wiping snotty noses, dirty butts and teary eyes deserves AT LEAST a week long celebration, but that's just me........


Debi said...

If I become a ledgend, I'm gonna have a ball and only invite losers. 'Cause it's one thing if you're an Oprah in a room full of Mya Angelos, but it's a whole different feeling if you're an Oprah in a room full of hookers and alcoholics.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I saw an Oprah episode where she was promoting her legend's ball. It was funny how she was all excited about Puff Daddy making an appearance. No one should ever forgive Diddy for bringing us Mace - the only other rapper more shit than he is.

Actually, I think Jermaine Dupuis is also gonne be there. But no word yet on Vanilla Ice. I guess he's busy.

Shannon Bieger said...

Yeah you would think that about mother's day huh? Psh, what a jip.

Glad you liked your collage. Anything I can do to get you one step closer to your idol....or one step closer to a restraining order issued by your idol's lawyers is the least I can do for a friend. Sorry it didn't win. Stupid video-making bitches with their fancy imacs.

And with that, I'd like to close this post with a poem I wrote using only drivel and the snapping of my fingers....

Elaine said...

Debi: Okaaaayyyy (head roll) Word.

idighootchandcootch: Damn your blogger name is long..anyways, OGOD Mace? A "reformed" rapper apparently.. but he still raps like he's got a mouth full of penis.

Shannon: YEAH! Damn those biatches with their Imacs and fancy schmancy programs. The bitch of it is, on her video, she was so close to the Coachella stage that she practically gave Madonna mouth to mouth. NOW she gets to be in front ROW. AGAIN. Does the midget who stood on her backpack with puke on her ankle get anything...noooooooo..

oh the injustice.

but we put forth a valiant effort. Good work soldier.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Madonna sure does like surrounding herself with ethnically diverse, sexually ambiguous men.

CP said...

And just remember...

"It's a brand new day".



IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I dont think there is too much that is "ambiguous" about Madonna's men/dancers.

CP said...

Um, Elaine?

What's this nonsense?

Our girl is being berated by the church again!

Damn, she's even a bad Jew now, not just a bad Catholic. Ha. Gotta love the original Diva!

Long live the Queen.


aaron said...

I'm luvin it! Were you surprised then bi who won ANTM? I read that gay govenor is going to be on Oprah, coinciding with his new book, hmmm what does it take to kick it with that bitch? Gay? Check. Govenor? Um no. IPOD? Damn it, I'm a loser.