GRAND RE-OPENING: Fan Letter Fridays!!!

Dear Kate,

I distinctly remembered that when you asked for me to teach you my mad midget ninja skillz, you promised that you would use those powers for GOOD! (IE: kick Paris Hilton in the face..and maybe a roundhouse to Star Jones..) Yet here, I see you're doing the patented Short Leg Soy Sauce Chop on paparrazzi! Kate, with great midget skillz comes great responsibility. The Short Leg Soy Sauce Chop looks graceful and highly erotic when done by a midget like myself; however, when done by a feeble, normal height-ed person, its just looks like you're doing a drunken rendition of the Riverdance. I'm happy to see that you stopped while you were ahead and did not move into the deadly Wonton Knee Bite. However, I'm still very disappointed in you Kate. Please come see me in my office.

Love, Me.


Dear Nicole,

It's okay to use Botox girl or hey, go ahead and go full gusto with an actual, surgical face lift. I won't be mad at ya...really. Using a hairclip to give yourself a face lift isn't a good idea. I mean, what if you happen to lose the hairclip or forget it at home? What happens then? I hate to have to use shock tactics such as these, but the hair clip face lift has horrifying side effects like this:

Unclip it WOMAN! UNCLIP it NOW!

Love, Me.



Dear Jodi,

Much like cornrows, baggy pants, Krumping, "iced grills," and using the terms "you go girl" and "fo shizzle", RAPPING, in general, USUALLY goes over very nicely with the African American crowd. In fact, its quite hip and cool when done by an African American. very seldom can Caucasians (or Asians for that matter) rap without sucking the very soul of the lyrics and reducing it into a disturbing limerick. Much worse when done by a woman over 40 during a graduation ceremony. Seriously. This clip is not for the faint of heart. Jodi, I need to see you in my office too. Follow Kate please.

Love, Me.



Dear Sean Preston,

Your poor mom loves you. I'm positive of it. Just because she almost dropped you and didn't spill a drop of her drink does NOT mean your mom doesn't love you. However; no one ever accused her of being a rocket scientist you know? She's not the brightest star in the sky. I know that, had you been able to talk, you could have told her, "Um, hello? Lady with the Cheetohs? I think the directions on the box said the car seat should be facing backward." or "I'm pretty sure I'm not suppose to be sitting on your lap when you drive. I know I was just born and all..but I'm pretty positive having the steering wheel in my face while you go 50 miles an hour is NOT a good idea...call me crazy...and hey, how come you're not wearing any shoes, AGAIN?"
But sadly Sean, I know you haven't mastered your verbal skills yet (your dad is having problems with it too) so in the meantime, hang in there and try to get the guy with the mustache to adopt you. People with mustaches are pretty reliable and look up to Tom Selleck. Who's pretty damn hot for a guy with a mustache...but yeah, that doesn't pertain to you.. never mind...
So, to recap.. guy with mustache is your saviour OR learn to walk quick and then head for the door.

Love, Me.

Dear Madonna,

My drycleaning bill for the pants I soiled on Tuesday comes to $6.00 dollars plus tax. I'll take a check or paypal..whatever. Meanwhile, can add on another $350.00 so I can see you again at the Staples Center? I think its only fair, since I paid for our last date.

Call me.

Love, Me


HAVE A GREAT THREE DAY WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and FYI: 300 plus people visited my last blog post, but only two cool ass people de-lurked themselves and gave me a congratulatory pat on the ass for getting close to my idol's crotch. (Thanks Karen and Kat In Da Hat). Jeesh, what's a bitch gotta do to get some luvin' around here??

Sniff.

I heart Mrs. Ritchie.