Friday, May 26, 2006

GRAND RE-OPENING: Fan Letter Fridays!!!

Dear Kate,

I distinctly remembered that when you asked for me to teach you my mad midget ninja skillz, you promised that you would use those powers for GOOD! (IE: kick Paris Hilton in the face..and maybe a roundhouse to Star Jones..) Yet here, I see you're doing the patented Short Leg Soy Sauce Chop on paparrazzi! Kate, with great midget skillz comes great responsibility. The Short Leg Soy Sauce Chop looks graceful and highly erotic when done by a midget like myself; however, when done by a feeble, normal height-ed person, its just looks like you're doing a drunken rendition of the Riverdance. I'm happy to see that you stopped while you were ahead and did not move into the deadly Wonton Knee Bite. However, I'm still very disappointed in you Kate. Please come see me in my office.

Love, Me.

Dear Nicole,

It's okay to use Botox girl or hey, go ahead and go full gusto with an actual, surgical face lift. I won't be mad at ya...really. Using a hairclip to give yourself a face lift isn't a good idea. I mean, what if you happen to lose the hairclip or forget it at home? What happens then? I hate to have to use shock tactics such as these, but the hair clip face lift has horrifying side effects like this:

Unclip it WOMAN! UNCLIP it NOW!

Love, Me.

Dear Jodi,

Much like cornrows, baggy pants, Krumping, "iced grills," and using the terms "you go girl" and "fo shizzle", RAPPING, in general, USUALLY goes over very nicely with the African American crowd. In fact, its quite hip and cool when done by an African American. very seldom can Caucasians (or Asians for that matter) rap without sucking the very soul of the lyrics and reducing it into a disturbing limerick. Much worse when done by a woman over 40 during a graduation ceremony. Seriously. This clip is not for the faint of heart. Jodi, I need to see you in my office too. Follow Kate please.

Love, Me.

Dear Sean Preston,

Your poor mom loves you. I'm positive of it. Just because she almost dropped you and didn't spill a drop of her drink does NOT mean your mom doesn't love you. However; no one ever accused her of being a rocket scientist you know? She's not the brightest star in the sky. I know that, had you been able to talk, you could have told her, "Um, hello? Lady with the Cheetohs? I think the directions on the box said the car seat should be facing backward." or "I'm pretty sure I'm not suppose to be sitting on your lap when you drive. I know I was just born and all..but I'm pretty positive having the steering wheel in my face while you go 50 miles an hour is NOT a good me crazy...and hey, how come you're not wearing any shoes, AGAIN?"
But sadly Sean, I know you haven't mastered your verbal skills yet (your dad is having problems with it too) so in the meantime, hang in there and try to get the guy with the mustache to adopt you. People with mustaches are pretty reliable and look up to Tom Selleck. Who's pretty damn hot for a guy with a mustache...but yeah, that doesn't pertain to you.. never mind...
So, to recap.. guy with mustache is your saviour OR learn to walk quick and then head for the door.

Love, Me.

Dear Madonna,

My drycleaning bill for the pants I soiled on Tuesday comes to $6.00 dollars plus tax. I'll take a check or paypal..whatever. Meanwhile, can add on another $350.00 so I can see you again at the Staples Center? I think its only fair, since I paid for our last date.

Call me.

Love, Me


Oh and FYI: 300 plus people visited my last blog post, but only two cool ass people de-lurked themselves and gave me a congratulatory pat on the ass for getting close to my idol's crotch. (Thanks Karen and Kat In Da Hat). Jeesh, what's a bitch gotta do to get some luvin' around here??


I heart Mrs. Ritchie.


Debi said...

Maybe Brittney can adopt Kate Moss and "accidently" break her boney ass. Love, your not-lurking fan.

Shannon Bieger said...

Hey! I commented! Twice. LOL!

I love fan letter friday. EW, was that Teri Hatcher? That's the scariest pic ever. And oh Britney.....when will it end? You can't chew gum and walk much less carry a baby and a bowl of.....what is that? Miso soup? Was she gonna drive her car, with baby in lap and sipping a bowl of miso??

Shannon Bieger said...

Oh and I think Jodi's rapping made me throw up a little. Was she rapping with a lisp??

Miss-Informed said...

Thank God it is Friday!...Fan Letter Friday! Once again, you have gave me a satisfying belly laugh. I heard about the Brittney thing from a friend and was delighted to see you had pic's and dialoge on the whole affair! (Oh, and Tom Selleck, he is a hottie!) Not so much for Teri Hatcher. Not so much...

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Jodie Foster. Rapping. OH. MA. GAWD.

Doesn't she have people to tell her "listen, banging K.Fed is a better choice for your career than rapping to Eminem".

CP said...

This is fucking hysterical, a'aight? This was your best fan letter yet.


karaoke queen said...

Poor Brit, but in recent news K-Fed is in the basement right where he belongs. Maybe him and Jodi can share a room down there. Y'know have some bad rappers anonymous meetings.

Kim said...

Teri Hatcher scares me. Big time. Yet all the guys I have asked think she's hot. WTF?

Julie Jewels said...

Oh no! Did I not comment to your Madonna post? So sorry!! =)

Love your Fan Letter Fridays!!
That picture of Teri Hatcher is scary! Of course the one of Nicole Kidman is too!
I can't believe Jodi Foster was rapping like that! Ewww...

Elaine said...

Julie: no you totally commented on my Madonna post.. I was just talking about the blog lurkers who got their Madonna eye candy and then just walked away...sniff.. :P

Shannon: britney was holding some kind of drink when she tripped with Sean. I thought it was a big gulp but it looked to me like a glass full of ice. Um Britney.. you're suppose to leave that at the restaurant...

Miss-Informed: Tom Selleck is one hunk of a mustache isnt he? And yeah, Teri Hatcher.. horrific.

Debi: I love your non lurkin' ass

idighootchandcootch: quoting or banging white rappers are both bad bad ideas...get some street cred and quote snoop dog and bang dr. dre. THEN maybe I can look you in the face...maybe...

cp: I bow to the princess for gracing my blog with her presence...

Karaoke Queen: Yeah, see evan a karaoke queen would not approve of Jodi's rap. Man! I got a queen and a princess stopping by my blog. I feel so..."royal" Can I be knighted at some point?

Kim: Teri Hatcher USED TO be hot back in the superman days.. but "USED TO" are the key words in that it looks as if Superman dropped her on her hot acid..

popfizz said...

somewhere, someplace, p-diddy is seeing dollar signs.

Leilouta said...

Elaine, thanks for standing up for me all the time. You always have the right thing to say.
Teri Hatcher looks scary. I liked her better with straight hair.
Do you watch the food channel? What do you think of Rachel Ray "30 minutes meal" ?I used to watch her a lot, but she is starting to tire me. I find her a little too hyper :)

Riss said...

Holy crap that was Teri Hatcher??

I'm... disturbed.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You know what I just noticed about you, Elaine? You love Madonna.

Beloved of El Elyon said...

Just so u know lainey its DivaJ doing a cross over...I have seen the face of evil...who knew Teri Hatcher has a 666 somewhere..I always thought the devil was a man...but that chick does a great trick! Goody Goody gum drops...I think child services should be at the hospital when Britney has the second midget and grab that one and Sean Preston and run! Also will u sign my petition for the sterilization of Britney Spears?!

Some Random Girl said...

seriously, WTF was Jody Foster thinking? Did she think that was good? Is that as creative as she can get? Eminem. What EVER!