The Secret World of Good Green and Bad Green

Green is a color, the perception of which is evoked by light having a spectrum dominated by energy with a wavelength of roughly 520–570 nanometres (I'm going to assume that in the color world, Green is really well hung!) The word green can be used to describe the color of plants or can be used as an expression or slang. But little is known or can be found about the battle of the good and bad greens.

The quiet war between good greens and bad greens has gone on since Adam picked his first booger. When greens are little babies, they are forced to choose between being a good green or a bad green. The ongoing green war between being fresh and clean or rotted and vile still goes on in front of us everyday. Let me introduce you to the main players of both armies.

GOOD GREEN: Corporal Key Lime Pie.


Made from the most honorable of greens (a lime), this good green has been known to satisfy millions of tastes buds. The impressive combination of sweet and sour with the light and airy texture is enough to make you sit back with each bite to savor the flavor harmony humping your mouth. Key Lime is a green of high stature and quality that can turn your tongue into its groupie.

BAD GREEN: Head Commander Green Meat.


A truly disgusting specimen that not only attacks you visually, but in most cases, it also attacks right up through your smellin' holes. It zips by your nose hair as though they weren't there and kicks your gag reflexes right in the balls. Stay classy green meat.

GOOD GREEN: Super Warlock Cannabis.


Misjudged by many and secretly loved by almost everyone (AFTER they meet him.) This green is stoic, calm, peace loving and has been known to bestow its joy to everyone he encounters. Cannabis loves up everyone's Autonomic Nervous System, making it feel special and pretty. That in turn, expands the individual's breath, relaxes their body and oxygenates their blood, leaving them to feel cleansed, happy and peaceful. Unfortunately, there has been an old rumor following the Cannabis family for years that they are a green of the bad variety. This vile untruth has limited Super Warlock Cannabis to doing their magic with only a handful of people. (And by the way, Super Warlock Cannabis and Corporal Key Lime Pie totally hooked up.Oooh! Gossip!! We're bad!)

BAD GREEN: High Wizard Bile.

Ill mannered and bad tempered, this seemingly harmless liquid can pack quite a disgusting punch. A lazy son of a bitch that's usually quiet and does its job, it takes great pleasure having a night out right when you feel like it's time to turn in. After you've puked the entire contents of a liquor store out your mouth and all you want is a cold glass of water to wash the alcohol, rotting food flavor it left, bile comes in at the very end to kick you while you're down. It comes alone, with no other flavors to mask it's bitterness. Bile is a strong, bad green force that can take down the strongest of men just by showing up.

GOOD GREEN: Master General Green Hills of Ireland.


Majestic and impressive, the Green Hills of Ireland are so exquisite that a whole country mainly represents itself to the color green because of it's grandeur. Simply put, these hills are alive with the sounds and feelings of awesome. A beauty so powerful, you clutch your pearls in disbelief.

BAD GREEN: Ninja Sensei Money.


The most suave of all the bad greens, a master of disguise. Everyone has met him and everyone knows that, despite how many doors he can open and how many things he can purchase, he has the power to ruin lives, cause wars, envy and hate among people who aren't aware or choose not to be aware of his skills. He is used for both good and bad, but in the end, this is the kindling of choice to feed the fire of evil.

So there you have it, the green front lines. Imaginary non-informational nonsense brought on by fatigue, hunger and being slightly constipated. Reading this post was a lot like being front row to a Gallagher show isn't it? It seems like it should be enjoyable and hey, everyone's laughing so something's funny right? However, in the end, you walk away with sticky hair, a couple of watermelon seeds up your nose and the feeling of being slightly ripped off.

I Gets My Read On Yo.

Things called books.

I'm pretty damn sure I blogged about my favorite books before but damn, my blog topics are on EMPTY right now. I got nothin. I'm working and occasionally sleeping, I make room for bowel movements and such, I play with the munchkin during the day and with viking hubby at night. Nothing exciting.

Plus, that last post drained all of my energy. Apologies to all for exposing you to that.
Me + Boredom + Webcam = Topless dancing!
Just kidding. You'd have to add vodka to that equation to get that. But thanks for giving me the idea Hootch.

Anyways, back to the subject..books. The first in portable entertainment, never needs batteries and if you get a NEW book, it smells so delicious. (I sniff books dude. There is no rehab for book sniffing so I'm on my own. I blame Scholastic for this. I remember their books had this glossy goodness about them. AHHHH. What I'd give for a brand new copy of Clifford The Big Red Dog right now. Okay. I'll stop.)

Ok, this list of books are those that in one way or another affected me, I'll re-read or just plain smelled good....

Some old book...
A tattered old used book I bought at a library fair in Kansas when I was but a wee F.O.B. at the tender age of 7. I forgot the title but it was a biography on Abraham Lincoln. The reason I bought the book? It had an illustrated picture of what was supposed to be a young Abe Lincoln., wearing overalls, chewin' on a straw, leaning on a pitchfork or something. I thought it looked very American so I bought it, plus it was cheap. That book helped me tremendously with my English and I do remember liking the book a lot because coming from another country, reading about people who grew up in the country in the U.S. was so fascinating.

Are You There God It's Me Margaret?
Yes, yes, blah blah, she's going through changes, becoming a woman and what not and it was a really nice book to have when you're that age and going through the same thing. But the one thing I remember most about this book was when Margaret got her first sanitary pad, complete with A BELT and HOOKS. I remember wondering WTF? Why does she need a BELT with her pad?

Ain't THAT a bitch?? As if bleeding/cramping/crying for four to five days wasn't enough, ya gotta deal with harnesses?? If I had to deal with this, I would have ended up getting in a tangled mess or choking someone with it. God Bless the man/woman who invented adhesives.

Of Mice And Men:
"No, no, don't do dat! George will know I done a bad thing and won't let me tend to da rabbits!"

CRACK.

Awesome.


She's Come Undone.
I broke the rules. I rebelled. I bought this book purely for its cover.



And I got a treat when it turned out to be really really good. And smelled delicious.

Case For A Creator:
Because before I read this book, I always wondered why science and religion were at odds with one another. I personally thought that maybe science was just an in depth explanation of what God did. Whereas religion takes a more spiritual approach to God to appeal to our soul. But essentially, it's the same topic, different name. For example if you ask a Scientist what energy is, he would probably tell you that it is the fundamental substance of everything in the universe, it can't be created or destroyed, etc. If you ask a religious person what God is, they would probably tell you that it is a fundamental substance of everything in the universe that can't be created or destroyed...POTATO-POHTATOE.
(And seriously, if you pass the dutchie on the left hand side, we can have a wonderful discussion about this and then devour a box of Twinkies afterwards. Good times.)
The author of this book basically took that thought of mine and wrote a whole book on it, therefore solidifying the fact that I'm a genius. (or just high) A former atheist, he interviewed a bunch of scientists on the idea of God and his existence and it is surprising what they say. A GREAT book. And for those who can't imagine reading through a bunch of scientific explanations, I think there's a DVD on this too.( FYI: That's about as close as I get to discussing religion on this blog btw so don't bombard me with comments about religion or God or Mary or baby Jesus because I DON'T CARE. I have my own views on it, you probably have yours and in my opinion, we're all probably arguing the same thing. So do unto others and don't go killing anyone. Capiche? Let's leave it at that.)

Johnny Got His Gun.
Dude...he was basically a concious slab of beef. Talk about a bad fucking day.

The Boy Who Would Be King:
An Elvis book that I could actually stomach. A book written by his cousin, most of it focuses on his life before he got famous and how extremely poor his family was, the death of his twin brother at birth, his guilt for being the one that lived, his momma's boy issues, his momma's issues, his daddy's issues, etc. etc. But I like it mostly because, again, a lot of the book had to do with the everyday lives of poor country folks in the South. This book introduced me to what sharecropping was, moonshining, bucking hay, drinking out of jelly jars, putting gravy on everything, cooking with bacon grease. FANTASTIC.
I'm telling you..hillbillies (rednecks) fascinate me.

The Notebook:
I read this WAAAAAY before the movie even came out. Actually, it was one of those books that came in the mail because I didn't send my "Do Not Send My Featured Book Selection" slip in time to the monthly book club. So I was kind of forced to read it and before you know it, I was wiping snot on my sleeve. The only book ever that got my waterworks started. The letter the guy wrote at the end just left me a blubbering mess. Sap.

The DaVinci Code:
A fun book that really didn't deserve all the bad press it got from the religious groups for supposedly misinterpreting religious text that might mislead people blah blah, yackity schmackity (seriously, if a person is going to change their entire belief system based on reading a fictional book then they weren't that devoted (or smart) to begin with - but whatever, there I go again NOT discussing religion)
This was just a good ol' crime solving book. Always a good read. I was impressed by the movie because you know the deal, the movie is never as good as the book, but the movie was pretty much the same as the book. HOWEVER I prefer the book because then I don't have to stare at Tom Hank's mullet for two hours. That was just horrifying.


On our next episode of I Gets My Read On Yo:
BAD,HORRIBLE, OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I READ THE WHOLE THING list of Books that I wasted a few days of my life on. (some of them even smelled great but it was all a FARCE!)