Memorable Strangers

Hey girl in Las Vegas I saw two years ago. Remember when I was talking to you while we were waiting in line by the restroom at Club Pure? Remember when the guy you hooked up with started making out with your drunk ass in the middle of our conversation? I turned away of course when it was clear that your goal wasn't really to kiss but to swallow each other's tongues whole. However, moments later, a guttural groan in your direction forced me to look and remember what I saw?
Is that? Could it be? is that his hand.....??? up your......??? and ....do you have your leg.....over his shoulder?????

OH and let's definitely not forget that prior to being interrupted by the tongue swallower, you were telling me how much fun you were having at your BACHELORETTE PARTY? ?! I'm pretty sure fiddle me fingers wasn't the groom, either that or he lost his ring when he.....



never mind.


Hey annoying gay guy at that one modeling agency I interviewed with a couple years ago. Remember me? You know I have to tell you it takes a lot for a fag hag to turn on her people but you had me at hello. No eye contact, nose up, a too tight, sleeveless black, slightly shimmery shirt that put a whole new meaning to the term "don we now our GAY apparel" and an overall snooty attitude that you had, as if I should be "privileged" to even breath in the same air as you. I actually looked around and made sure that I was indeed going for an interview at a modeling agency and NOT Microsoft because clearly you thought you were Bill Gates...only with plucked eyebrows and bit of rouge to "compliment" your orange-like tanning bed skin tone. The straw that broke the hag's back? Upon relaying to me the job position duties, you were quick to note that you can be a bit "brusk" to your "help" when it gets busy or someone ruffles your feather boa. Again, I looked around to make sure that I wasn't accidentally applying to be JLO's nanny because you were basically telling me, in your pretentious, bedazzled way of course, that verbal assaults from you is part of the job and damn it I should be so lucky to be at the receiving end of that event.
But thank you, thank you for that wonderfully animated shocked look on your face and small yet audible gasp that I received when you offered me the job and I said, "Um, nah, that's cool. I"ll pass. Have a good day!"
I still remember skipping out of your office.
I remember and I smile.
and I still kick myself that I didn't have a cell phone with a camera on it.

Hey jackass who put a roofie in my drink. You sly puppy you. Funny how you were right there to help my friends hold me up when I basically turned into a limp noodle after drinking half of my drink. I was scared you asshole, I was scared because I KNEW I wasn't drunk yet somehow my limbs wouldn't follow directions. And here I thought you were a knight in shining armor, helping me into the back seat of my friend's car and then offering to ride along in the back with me so you can "help" my friends walk me back to my dorm.
Remember what you did then motherfucker??? You tried to get to the midget gold without asking! And as much as I wanted to punch your face in, I still couldn't get my arms to cooperate and I could barely muster up a voice to alert my friends that you were a sorry ass pervert who was so desperate he had to paralyze a chick to get any action.
If you don't remember that, I KNOW you remember my friends M and J who thank god happened to turn around and saw what you were trying to do. Remember them? The girls who pulled the car over, jumped out, pulled your dumb ass out from the back, kicked you in the nuts so hard I'm pretty sure you're not spreading your demon seed anymore and left you in the middle of the freeway at 2:00 am? Remember those girls??? Yeah, those are my friends.
They're awesome.
Get a blow up doll you freak.


I have a ton more, but those are the three memorable strangers that pop up in my head almost immediately.
What stranger will you always remember?

Everyday Horrors All Around You.....

Bindy Irwin: I feel bad feeling the way I do about Bindy. Especially when her dad died, I REALLY wanted to be happy with the fact that she was handling her dad's death so.......ecstatically. And therein lies my problem. She was practically doing a press junket after her dad's death, cart wheels on Ellen and hula hooping on Oprah. I mean shit girl, tone it down and shed a tear or two for dear ol' dad before rolling out the keg and hanging the pinata .
Sorry Steve, (RIP) but your daughter seriously needs to lay off them pixie sticks.



John McCain: All right, this has nothing to do with politics or republicans vs. democrats, I'm merely here to point out the fact that John McCain's looks like a turtle who's lost his shell. I blame it on that wrinkly head of his and how his skin looks all thin and transparentey...like it could rip open at any moment and reveal the alien inside. Creeeeeepy creeperson.



Hilary Clinton: On the other party token, this bitch looks like she would eat her young with a side of kittens. No wonder Bill didn't want none of that, she can probably lock her jaws.



Carrot Top: If I have to explain why Carrot Top is creepy then you're creepy.


The Hollywood/Orange County Ladies: Those who frequent the botox center on a daily basis with their orange tans, Ken Paves extensions, silicon babies and their excess skin ponytails wrapped up tight behind their ears, talkin' bout how 75 is the new 40? You know the ones....



People who talk in the third person: Unless you're kidding ...and even then it's a thin line....talking in third person during a regular ol' conversation creeps me out. When "Greg's" talking in the third person I feel the need to first, ask for permission to talk to "Greg" so that I can let "Greg" know that talking in the third person ranks right up there with wearing sunglasses indoors and popping your collar.




Jermaine Dupree: Jermaine Dupree by himself, not so creepy, but hearing Janet Jackson's new album and her PLETHORA of dirty sex songs makes me picture Jermaine Dupree in situations that no human being should be picturing. So it's not Jermaine per se, it's Janet's TMI songs that are creepy. Keep that gnome lovin' to yourself Janet, some people gotta eat around here!



Moms who dress like their daughters and party with their daughters. Two words...Linda Hogan. Classy no? Listen, I'm all about having fun with your daughters, but I firmly believe that no mom should be hittin' up the club with their daughter, wearing outfits from Forever 21 and taking buttery nipple shots together. Sorry. Call me old fashioned, but Linda needs to get some adult company, go have some wine and put some clothes back on. She was aiming for sexy but missed and hit sad instead.



I could go on and on...
Who/What creeps you out?