Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Memorable Strangers

Hey girl in Las Vegas I saw two years ago. Remember when I was talking to you while we were waiting in line by the restroom at Club Pure? Remember when the guy you hooked up with started making out with your drunk ass in the middle of our conversation? I turned away of course when it was clear that your goal wasn't really to kiss but to swallow each other's tongues whole. However, moments later, a guttural groan in your direction forced me to look and remember what I saw?
Is that? Could it be? is that his hand.....??? up your......??? and you have your leg.....over his shoulder?????

OH and let's definitely not forget that prior to being interrupted by the tongue swallower, you were telling me how much fun you were having at your BACHELORETTE PARTY? ?! I'm pretty sure fiddle me fingers wasn't the groom, either that or he lost his ring when he.....

never mind.

Hey annoying gay guy at that one modeling agency I interviewed with a couple years ago. Remember me? You know I have to tell you it takes a lot for a fag hag to turn on her people but you had me at hello. No eye contact, nose up, a too tight, sleeveless black, slightly shimmery shirt that put a whole new meaning to the term "don we now our GAY apparel" and an overall snooty attitude that you had, as if I should be "privileged" to even breath in the same air as you. I actually looked around and made sure that I was indeed going for an interview at a modeling agency and NOT Microsoft because clearly you thought you were Bill Gates...only with plucked eyebrows and bit of rouge to "compliment" your orange-like tanning bed skin tone. The straw that broke the hag's back? Upon relaying to me the job position duties, you were quick to note that you can be a bit "brusk" to your "help" when it gets busy or someone ruffles your feather boa. Again, I looked around to make sure that I wasn't accidentally applying to be JLO's nanny because you were basically telling me, in your pretentious, bedazzled way of course, that verbal assaults from you is part of the job and damn it I should be so lucky to be at the receiving end of that event.
But thank you, thank you for that wonderfully animated shocked look on your face and small yet audible gasp that I received when you offered me the job and I said, "Um, nah, that's cool. I"ll pass. Have a good day!"
I still remember skipping out of your office.
I remember and I smile.
and I still kick myself that I didn't have a cell phone with a camera on it.

Hey jackass who put a roofie in my drink. You sly puppy you. Funny how you were right there to help my friends hold me up when I basically turned into a limp noodle after drinking half of my drink. I was scared you asshole, I was scared because I KNEW I wasn't drunk yet somehow my limbs wouldn't follow directions. And here I thought you were a knight in shining armor, helping me into the back seat of my friend's car and then offering to ride along in the back with me so you can "help" my friends walk me back to my dorm.
Remember what you did then motherfucker??? You tried to get to the midget gold without asking! And as much as I wanted to punch your face in, I still couldn't get my arms to cooperate and I could barely muster up a voice to alert my friends that you were a sorry ass pervert who was so desperate he had to paralyze a chick to get any action.
If you don't remember that, I KNOW you remember my friends M and J who thank god happened to turn around and saw what you were trying to do. Remember them? The girls who pulled the car over, jumped out, pulled your dumb ass out from the back, kicked you in the nuts so hard I'm pretty sure you're not spreading your demon seed anymore and left you in the middle of the freeway at 2:00 am? Remember those girls??? Yeah, those are my friends.
They're awesome.
Get a blow up doll you freak.

I have a ton more, but those are the three memorable strangers that pop up in my head almost immediately.
What stranger will you always remember?


Anonymous said...

Whoa. That roofie shit is scary as hell! My god. I'm glad you're okay and that you have great friends.

My memorable stranger was this Irish guy who stopped on the Grand Central Parkway in New York at about midnight in the middle of winter to help me change a tire. He had no gloves and no hat and he wouldn't take a dime from me. He followed me off the highway to make sure I wa okay. I love you Irish guy!

Caroline said...

That story about the drunk-ass girl in Las Vegas?!?!? Urgh... boiling my eyes now ... d'you think I can scrub them with hand sanitizer???? GROSS.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

What fucking assholes.

Tug said...

thank GOD you have great friends!!

My stranger...Christmas party in Vegas, so we rented a room at the MGM. My gf's & I got new fun jammies from one of us, and they dared me to wear mine downstairs in the casino, so yeah. I did. Saw a cowboy in a crisp white shirt across the room that made me gasp... a bit later, he came up to me - just as my friend was really in pain with blistered feet & I was taking her to the bar to find a seat. Stranger said he could be my seat...and I chose to help my friend. I'd do it again, but...

Joseph said...

Priceless tales of drugs and debauchery, as always. I don't really have time to write out the lyrics from Beautiful Stranger, but as you know them by heart, you may enter them here....

Love, Joey

Miss-Informed said...

Sounds like they took Ushers new song too seriously, "Makin' love in this Club..."
***Classy folks, real classy!

SHADOW said...

Oh my gosh, that 3rd story was nuts as all hell. Taking drinks from people is a serious risk! Something I will never trust ANYONE to do. Thank God you had smart friends to come to your defense. What a sick creepy asshole!

Yo Momma said...

shadow: no I didn't take the drink from him. I had ordered it myself, and I saw him nearby when I did it, I have a feeling he might have slipped it in when I put my drink down to fix my shoe..(my heel was breaking off, so I had to borrow some tape from the bartender...yes I totally rolled ghetto like that)..but yeah, after that I never let my drink out of my sight!!!! It was a bad night all around that's for sure.