Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Pee On The Bed or Brave The Scary Bathroom? My Midnight Dilemma

My first post for GB:2 Blog On. This week's subject: MIDNIGHT.
(yes, I've signed up for another weekly blog subject thingy, I'm doing two now. shut up.)

When the midnight hour comes around and I find myself still awake I have a slight panic attack.

The first thought is ...shit, I have to go to bed, the little one is going to get up early and I'm going to be a zombie the whole day! Must. Go. To. Bed!

Then the second thought is....crap, I'm not sleepy. And double crap, now I'm too busy thinking about trying to sleep and getting myself all worked up to even THINK about being sleepy.

Third thought is...hmm, maybe I'll go into the living room and watch Ice Loves Coco, because Coco's enormous, out of this world ass makes me think of overstuffed pillows and overstuffed pillows make me sleepy. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do that!

Then as I get up out of bed I's kind of quiet. Hmm, it's kind of dark too, especially in the hallway. Remember that one part in the movie where something walked across the hallway....

And then in an instant, I'm wide awake scanning for shadows in the hallway.

Midnight and my imagination is not a good combination (oooh I'm a poet and I don't know..ok ..ok...I'll stop.).

I think I might have somehow overloaded my brain with creepy content back in the day. For as long as I can remember, I've always loved scary books, movies, I loved Twilight Zone, M. Night Shamabanana's movies (well the first three...) I remember I couldn't WAIT to watch the Blair Witch Project when it first came out (you can imagine how pissed I was when the scariest thing in the movie is the giant snot lined nostril that fills the screen for a couple minutes), I read every Stephen King and Clive Barker book I could get my hands on. Paranormal subjects were right up my alley too. I have been interested in U.F.O.s for as long as I can remember and I'm a sucker for ghost stories. In short, I just loved the thrill of scaring my own pants right off.

Now that I'm older, I'm pretty sure I've had my fill because if I catch myself awake at midnight, it is almost guaranteed that my thoughts will pull up some scary thing I had seen or read from my overflowing scary shit file and bombard my brain with it. This isn't particularly fun if at that same time that I'm scaring the bejeesus out of myself, I also have to go to the bathroom.

If this happens my fourth thought is...I wonder if I can hold this until 5:00 a.m.?

And now I'm wide awake, full of terror and urine at midnight. Not fun.

Usually I just put my big girl panties on (IE: turn on every light as I run from the bedroom to the bathroom.) and do the deed as fast as humanly possible all the while thinking of rainbows, puppies and Joyce Dewitt (because who doesn't smile when they think of kooky Janet Wood?) to keep from convincing myself that the girl from The Ring is in my bathtub waiting to jump out at me.

['s why I have turned into the biggest giant pile of chicken shit....Exhibit A: I was going to put a picture of that girl RIGHT. HERE. but when I googled the was way to0 creepy to save on my computer. So I said screw it, you know what that girl looks like right? She's kind of damp? Long stringy hair? In serious need of a shower and some moisturizer? Always in a bad mood? Let's just post one of Joyce Dewitt instead!]

Damn. I think this is even scarier....

So yeah, midnight. If you don't find me asleep, you'll find me wide awake on the toilet clutching the toilet brush like it was Thor's hammer, ready to swing it maniacally at the laundry basket for looking at me funny.

And yet for some reason I still really really want to see Paranormal Activity. I'm pretty sure after seeing that movie, investing in a bedpan probably wouldn't be a bad idea.


Paula Martin said...

So funny, Elaine. I'm sure we've all felt like that at some point. Now that I live alone, I don't read scary books or watch scary movies any more, because I know I'd never sleep if I did.

Brenda Stevens said...

OH NO NOT A BEDPAN!! lol you are HYSTERICAL .. love this

Jo said...

LOL..seriously...laughing out loud alone in my office! Wonderful post and some advice here: Sing all the way to the bathroom at midnight. All creepy types are petrified of a female singing.
I may have made that up, but let's just say that it's a fact.

Joyce Lansky said...

Cute post. I think you'll be safe if you get out of bed.


Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I am so afraid of the dark, it's not even funny. Growing up, at the end of our hallway (with my bedroom on the left, hung a picture of the Monalisa. Her eyes would follow me into my room every night. I got sick and tired of it, cut out two oval pieces of binder paper and stuck them right on her eyes...The last house we lived at in Carmel Valley, creeked every night upstairs at 9:30 pm. One night, a bat got through a hole from the ceiling in a large bedroom upstairs. My husband and son fought the bat off with the only thing available near by...a toy Star Wars light saber. No lie. Wish I had it on video. (Meanwhile, I sheltered myself and my two babies in a secret room in that same bedroom). I sent out an S.O.S. via my cell phone. lol

Angela Parson Myers said...

I write stories about the scary stuff I dream up at midnight. : - )

Anonymous said...

"...full of terror and urine..."

I always love your blogs. Always.

Erica said...

Thank you SO MUCH for not posting a picture of the girl from the Ring. She scares me. That is the LAST horror flick I saw because I can not bear to ever see another one after that scared the living daylights out of me.

Langley said...

This is hilarious! Glad you're in the group. I've gotta agree with you, that pic of JD is scarier than the girl from The Ring. And my 'midnight' post is about Stephen King, my fave.

Mojo Writin' said...

*chuckle* I'm gonna have fun reading your stuff, clearly! Welcome to the nuthouse... I mean group ;)