Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Irreconcilable Differences - The Celebrity Marriage Epidemic

GBE 2 challenge this week is a picture prompt.

So of course, today class, let's all sit down and talk about marriage. To be specific, Hollywood marriages. Because who cares about us peasants and our sorry little two-cent unions when there are demigods and demigoddesses doing weddings bigger and better than our bag lunch bargain huntin' couponin asses can ever dream about! When it comes to weddings - celebrities are WINNING! - said like a tweaked out Charlie Sheen - (redundant?) Some celebrities even have weddings that take days in remote locations where they play dress-up Aladdin style with their poor, unwilling guests before they FINALLY put everyone out of their misery and say I do. (I'm looking at you Katy Perry....)

But when it comes to marriages...(you know the thing that happens AFTER the big party is over with and the fireworks display has blew it's last smiley face explosion?? - which by the way, never fails to make me one of those annoying people that go, 'woowww' during a fireworks show.) Celebrities are doing this not so well and it seems that the culprit is always irreconcilable differences.

Here's just a few recent celebrity break ups that were taken down by this mysterious celebrity divorce epidemic called 'irreconcilable differences.' Maybe, if we look for clues in each situation, we can figure out what this is and how to stop it.

* Marc Anthony/JLo - allegedly that little Skeletor was sticking his lil chicken bone boner into other girls and showing JLo that he had the power of Grayskull by telling her and her ass to stop being fabulous. You can't stop the power of her ass Skeletor. It is much greater than you...(seriously, JLo's ass has got what? 10 pounds on Marc Anthony...at least?)

* Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Shriver - allegedly he was sticking his twig (but no berries because you know... steroids eat balls.) into the fanny of thine nanny! For shame Conan!

* Christina Aguilera and that unfortunate looking, but I'm sure he's really nice guy with a big wang, dude she was married to (too lazy to look up his name) - allegedly Christina was the one that ended the relationship because she found someone with a better face. Just kidding. I don't really know the real reason but I can't imagine why that reason wouldn't be close to the top of her list.

* Eva Longoria and Tony Parker - allegedly Tony Parker was parking his lil' Tony into other people's parking spaces. Hello Eva, he's in the NBA! The complete opposite of marriage material. I believe NBA really stands for N.ever say no to B.oobs and A.ss. ( Boo. Hiss. Yeah that was me reaching for the joke, just kick me down a chuckle for my hard work all right?).

* Sandra Bullock and the white trash Nazi devil - allegedly the devil wanted to make his dick even hotter by sticking it into Myspace whores selling, cheap tattoos, good times and gonorrhea. His mission was accomplished, but not after the angel that is Sandra Bullock found out and bid the devil goodbye.

* Leanne Rimes divorced her gay husband to be with Eddie Cibrian. Maybe because she got tired of always being 'the top' in the relationship?

* Eddie Cibrian divorced his wife to be with Leanne Rimes. Maybe because Leanne offered something his wife didn't; protruding shoulder blade handle bars to hang on to when they're having sex.

So judging from those situations, I can only conclude that irreconcilable differences means famous people are total sluts. I think the only way we can avoid another celebrity divorce is to institute the Clooney/Brangelina Act whereas for every celebrity that feels the need to marry each other must inform the proper authorities immediately and a committed gay couple will step into their place and take the nuptials instead. Therefore avoiding disaster prone celebrity couples from getting married and allowing a legitimate loving couple to marry the PERSON they love.

(don't ask me about celebrity gay couples.. we'll have to write an addendum for them later...)


The Host said...

This cracked me up. Thanks for the giggles!

Paula Martin said...

On the reverse side, there are also the 'celebrity' marriages which have survived - Charlie Sheen's father, my favourite actor Martin Sheen will celebrate his Golden Wedding Anniversary later this year. Pity Charlie was incapable of following his pop's example.

LadyHAHA said...

@Paula true. but seems like celebrity marriages that last are few and far between nowadays.

Dances With Vodka said...

HAHAHA!! This is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

What Sandra Bullock ever saw in Jesse James is beyond me. Abducted by aliens and forced to marry is the only thing I can come up with...kinda like what must have happened to Katie Holmes.

Joyce Lansky said...

It just goes to prove, celebrities should just live together instead of getting married. It would avoid a lot of divorce red tape in the near future.