Saturday, March 12, 2011

And The Next Contestant For America's Biggest Loser Is.....

I don't know if you know this. But I love food. How I'm not a 500 pound ball with arms and legs is really beyond me because I love love, if it was a person I'd give it oral, LOVE FOOD. Specifically, JUNK FOOD. If there is something fried, glazed, chocolate covered, made of ice and cream, OR all of the above thrown into a big bowl, I am DOWN for that party.

Someone asked me the other day what junk food I would choose if it was the only junk food I could eat for the rest of my life.

I jumped back as if a gooey snot had just been spat my way, disgusted at thought of actually having to CHOOSE just one because what is the beauty of junk food if not for its VARIETY (DING! thas' the Focus52 prompt. Say hello.) I can't imagine eating birthday cake ice cream for all of my days and never making out with a Reeses' peanut butter cup. And how can I make out with a Reeses' peanut butter cup if I can't shove a chili burger the size of my face into face?!?! There's no answer that's a win/win - eating one delicious treat and not partaking in another is a creative kind of hell that I don't ever want to realize.

HOWEVER, if I could have a different junk food flown into the island every other week (why I wouldn't hop on that plane and just get off the island is a flaw in the plot that we're not going to focus on right now.) Here's my Top Five MUST.GET junk food list list (in no particular order because it was hard enough narrowing it down to five, picking a favorite over the other would be like Sophie's Choice!)

1. Chocolate Malted Crunch Ice Cream.
The first time my love affair began with chocolate malted ice cream was when I was nine years old. My mom bought me a cone from Thrifty's (which was like Wal-Green's grandpa). I believe chocolate malted crunch ice cream was one of my last choices because I had tasted everything else and the color was an unimpressive beige-ish, which was probably why I chose it last. But I became chocolate malted crunch's bitch after the first lick and pretty soon, that was the only flavor I ever ordered. The chocolate malt is sweet foreplay and the vanilla crunch balls are the final thrust taking you to ice cream ecstasy. Simply put, it is sex on a cone.

2.Reeses Peanut Butter cups.
The person that invented this has been given the key to every city right? Tell me they won a Nobel Prize or at least got Knighted and made the emperor of some island. Because whoever invented these deserves all that and a few hand jobs from Gisele Bunchamunch AND Tom Brady. Peanut butter, chocolate shaped into a cup = Genius.

3. Slim Jims.
On paper, random meat products swept from the floor of the slaughter house, spices and a injection of fat rolled into a stick most definitely doesn't sound like a great snack but alas, it is. Whenever I chew on a Slim Jim I am as disgusted with myself as I am at that weird greasy film that squeezes out whenever you take a bite out of it. But I can't help it. It's a salty, spicy, fake meaty goodness that's just perfection, attacking every one of your taste buds with awesomeness. It's convenient and the most delicious questionable food item I've ever tasted.

4. Fried ANYTHING.
If you batter it and fry it, chances are, it's going in my face. I'm not a big fan of vegetables but if someone figured out a way to fry spinach, I'd be the first in line to dip that bad boy into some blue cheese. Fish, chicken, meat, squid, shrimp, ice cream, potatoes, carrots, or your mom; if it's fried and greasy, I'll probably be the first one there with a plate and a bib.

5. Salt and Vinegar potato chips.
Its crispy, it's salty and it smells and tastes like fermented feet. GIMME! GIMME!!!!

CONFESSION: I'm on a diet right now and I miss my friends up there. No matter what the Focus52 prompt was - this was going to be a post about junk food. It could have been 'rainbows' and I would've immediately thought SKITTLES! .... SPRINKLED ON RAINBOW SHERBET ICE CREAM! .....FRIED AND DRIZZLED IN RASPBERRY SAUCE!!!!!


Send ice cream cake. Stat.


Anonymous said...

Oh, yes. Yes. YES!

Sorry. That happens when someone talks cheeseburger-ice cream-chocolate-chili dogs to me.

You had me at fried.

Jan said...

I giggled through every single word of this :)
"But I became chocolate malted crunch's bitch." I want some now.

Shelly said...

You can deep fry spinach and it IS delicious. I worked for a French chef who used to make this for me. You don't batter it- you take fresh spinach leaves and drop 'em into hot slippery oil, a few seconds later they come out super light and crispy. He would sprinkle a little sea salt on them. They melt in your mouth- SUPER YUM! And of course the frying kills any of that pesky nutritional value the spinach may have had.