Saturday, February 12, 2011

Love is in the air and it smells of bronzer and dill pickles...

It has been a while since I've given a love confession that was sure to confuse the masses. In fact, the last time I confessed a love that was as strong and strange as the love that I'm about to confess today, I believe it was about this man. The man who screeched love out of his giant Xenu blowhole and stomped his petite size 5s on Oprah's couch with abandon. (I wish I could say I tried to look for the post link I'm referring to but I can't, because I didn't because I'm too lazy. Buy my book instead, it's in there.)

And yes, before you ask, I would still hit that small, sweaty sack of crazy if given the chance. My glow in the dark strap-on is shined and lubed, ready for such an event. You can never be too prepared as TOM IS MAGIC and will show up under your bed at a moment's notice, demanding your servitude and serve him you shall! (Dressed up like David Beckham and singing sweet songs by Will Smith in his delicate ears. I hope you're taking notes).

What could possibly match the love badge I hold for Tom?

A delicate petunia that goes by the name of Snooki.

Who knew that a petite, pickle sucking orange ball of dough would sweep me off my feet? At first glance, she seems to exude orange grease out her pores and looks as if she may have a strange yeasty smell to her. Quite frankly, at first glance, Snooki was quite unappetizing. But as the show went on, wisdom began to spew forth from her mouth like a popped champagne and it wasn't long before I realized that Snooks was a messiah drag.

Snooki not only addressed the problem of divorce but she also solved it by uttering one simple sentence...

"Old people, they lose their sex life and that's not a fun time... that's why people always get divorced."

She reminded us that in order for humankind to live in harmony, we must shed our false pretenses, communicate clearly and say exactly what you mean!

"Stop caring and fuck me!"

Her pure and complete honesty is so bright, that us mere mortals have to stand back and squint at its beauty.

"My vagina's out."

"Honestly, like who hides in a bush? Only me. I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, I will hide in a bush. I do fucked up shit, I don't even know what's wrong with me."

"Every time I get really excited, like if we go to a club, I have to poop my pants. If we go to a party, I have to poop my pants, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop my pants."

"A crow comes and it starts quacking at us ... or not quacking, what does a crow do?

But the Messiah is not perfect, there are some cracks in what is an otherwise beautiful bronze vase and yes, at times, her despair does indeed leak out of those cracks.

"I hate the ocean, it's all whale sperm. Everybody Google it, because that's why the water is salty, from the fuckin' whale sperm."

"I feel like a pilgrim from the fucking '20s washing this shit in the sink."

Despite those cracks, I think it's clear to see why I have fallen in love (or in desperate worship) with the Snooks. She is knowledge, honesty, grace, and elegance wrapped in sausage casing. A warm soup of sympathy with a sprinkle of class, served in a urinal. I dare you not to bow in humility to our new messiah when she pours her love to you every Thursday (Jersday!) like a giant can of Prego.

"I remember I masturbated all day once and the next day I couldn't even move."

Yes. I am in love Snooki. A fellow pint sized oompa loompa who happens to be the most inspirational thing to mankind since Spam.

And yes, like Snooki, that last sentence barely made any sense.


Anonymous said...

I've been running back and forth every day to see if more of your wisdom had been posted. Hooray! Another gem from the LaineTrain.

Jan said...

"my vagina's out" ROFL!!!
She cracks me up, in a strange twisty way.

Anonymous said...

Finally, somebody had to say it! Thanks for the wonderful post!