Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Lindsey And Donatella doing a great impression of my parent's leather couch.

So my take on the Lindsey Lohan thing is basically, wake me up when the E True Hollywood Story happens, particularly at the part where they show her snorting cocaine with a vacuum attachment.

It’s really hard for me to pay attention to a slow moving train derailment even if it does leave crack rock trails and incoherent twitter rants in its wake. Yawn. Snore. At least Britney Spears embraced her train wreck and made it action packed! (She’s a true performer that Britney...)

This morning, whilst perusing my favorite celebrity blogs, I came upon this picture and I immediately felt like my eyes were covered in fire ants and I was doused in alcohol and sweaty desperation. This picture gave me the cotton mouths in a serious way. I wanted to take all those free moisturizer sample packets in my magazines and squirt it at these two walking Halloween masks.

Did Lindsey volunteer for some kind of fucked up Donatella Versace apprenticeship program where the goal is to look like 15 miles of bad road with potholes, stand next to Donatella and make her look like a spring peach? I would have laughed at such an idea but this picture made me think twice. Don’t get me wrong, Donatella definitely doesn’t come close to looking like a spring peach. I don’t think she’s been ‘springy fresh’ since the 1700s. But she usually looks like that overly cooked chicken you see in the grocery store that’s been spinning inside the roaster for like a day and a half, with its crunchy skin all hanging off.

However, in this picture next to Lindsey, she’s taken on a very youthful, “sun bleached, dried up kitchen sponge” look don’t you think? Who knew Lindsey’s meth wrinkles would be quite complimentary on Donatella?

But even though I make fun, I still hope Lindsey pulls through. Remember when she appeared to be talented and well fed? The poor child is 23 going on 63 with a face that’s slowly looking like Octomom’s flappy lips (not the giant wax lips on her face either). This is why we say NO to drugs kids; particularly taking an eight ball of cocaine with a vodka chaser for breakfast.

As for Donatella, I’m not even worried about her because we all know zombies defy the test of time.


Joseph said...

Ahhh, my love Donatella. If only I could live on Lake Cuomo in your 80 room villa, stroking your long golden locks of power. The things I would do for you. Le sigh.

Karen MEG said...

Geez, Lindsay looks bad. You're right, she even makes Donatella look good in this shot! I miss her with bangs, though, don't you?

Sorry I haven't been around much, it looks great around here!

CP said...

Lindsey looks like Donatella's twin sister in this picture. Ugh. That child has a lot of mileage on her. Very sad.

And yet, I can't look away!


Karen said...

Lindsey looks bad because her hair is blond. Not a good colour on her.

Lizzle said...

What I wonder about Lindsay is whether or not that's her real hair or extensions... I mean if its her real hair all the way through, then she'd probably be better off pulling a Britney and shaving it all off, because that rat's nest on her head is BEAT. And if it's a weave, it looks like it came from the Kim Zolciak or Paris Hilton collection of fine hair extension products. Yowza. And is she still bumping vaginas with anything that moves, or is she still pining for SamRo? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Oh yeah, and I'm back!

Anonymous said...

You are the funniest writer I know!