Sunday, September 27, 2009

Short, Sweet and Often...and no, I'm not talking about my Circus Peanuts Diet.

Um hi, remember me? Yeah, I don't either. I'm not going to make any blog declarations anymore, because it seems like whatever goal I set for myself, my brain will do the exact opposite. I love how in the last post I was going for a modest one to two posts a week and I went over a MONTH without posting! So yeah, maybe I'll declare that from now on I'm going to blog sporadically and write whenever the hell I feel like it because that's what I've been doing anyway, I'm going to just embrace my talent for inconsistency and you should too. Clearly I excel at it.

Anyways, enough about that because I imagine the only people left reading this are me and a random sicko who accidentally got here by googling popular key words that seem to lead to my blog: midget and underwear. No joke. I owe those two words a fancy dinner and a hand job with all the random hits I get from them. I'm sure most of the accidental visitors leave my blog in a huff and secretly cuss me out for A. not having the underwear they were looking for? B. for not really being a midget and C. for not having a picture of a midget in their underwear.

And to that last category of people, I apologize. Here's a picture of my colleague Bridgette the midget to make your visit here somewhat worthwhile...

And yes I DID say colleague because we shared trade secrets and become BFFs on the set of a wildly popular movie called "Tiptoes." I'm sure you've heard of it, but just as a reminder, I had three pivotal scenes in that movie - one was the back of my head; a performance so moving and scene stealing that I practically won an Oscar for 'Best Movie Extra's Back of Head Walk By." Unfortunately I lost out to "Dead Spartan Number 4" from the movie 300. We were neck and neck though.

Please don't act all weird now that you know my celebrity past. I put my ball gag on one strap at a time just like you do. So relax. And yes, I will personally autograph your beloved DVD copy of "Tiptoes"..... if you send me a dollar. Sorry, blame the economy. And Kanye.

I'm keeping this post short and sweet because I really do want to blog more than once every 6 months, so this is me not blowing my blog wad. But as a special favor for me, I ask my three readers that you pray for the death of all things rattlesnake! A baby rattlesnake bit our doggy this past weekend. Thankfully, we caught it in time, rushed him to the vet and he's doing fine. This took a hit to our wallets like you wouldn't believe because apparently the only people more crooked and conniving than the mafia are veterinarians.

Our option upon getting to the hospital with our poor doggy was cough up the dough for their specialized treatment or your beloved doggie dies. The most ridiculous of charges was a fee for "administering the shots"...the medicine in the shot was a whole other price bracket entirely, let's not get into THAT, but it was 65 dollars just to ADMINISTER it. As in just the act of poking and pushing the needle into our dog was costing us 65 dollars. WTF? We're all in the wrong business people.

Although to be fair they did give us an 'budget friendly' option of putting him to sleep for $100.00. What thoughtful saints they are.

Thankfully, my wonderful awesome friends, Debi and Drew, stepped up to the plate right away and helped us in our time of need as soon as they heard what happened to our dog. We didn't even ask, they're just friends who go above and beyond the call of duty because it comes naturally to them. So thanks guys, seriously. If it wasn't completely inappropriate, I would hire some strippers to give both of you a lap dance with a little dry humping on the side. But the combination of stripper glitter and sweaty politician smell takes at least two bottles of Tide with bleach to get out. Maybe we'll skip that and just take them to dinner and a drag show next time they're in town.

So remember, your homework today kids is 'death to all things rattlesnake' and 'let more midget movies come my way.'

Sorry, I had to stick that last part in because I think I'm due for a comeback.

and I kinda miss Bridgette the Midget.


Joseph said...

Key fact that she neglects to mention: that rattlesnake bit her sweet puppy INSIDE THEIR HOUSE! She be rockin' the cuuuuntry, y'all! Bring your armored boots when you visit. In the immortal words of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost: "Molly, you in danger, girl!"

SHADOW said...

Gurl, where the hell have you been? And why did you have me googling 'Tiptoes'? Damnz you! I found a IMDB profile for it. If you seriously where in that movie expect my DVD copy in the mail and a paypal notification of a $1 payment. Just saying...

And hey, don't get so hard on yourself about the blogging thing. You can always fall back on doing what everyone else does. Post pictures of your kid(s) once every few days with some random caption. It totally makes everyone oblivious of the lack of real posts. Plus we all love to coo and awww at the cute lil spawn of a midget and viking.

Yo Momma said...

Joey: we figured out how it got in and have fixed the problem. (a giant hole in the wall of our laundry room) so you don't have to wear waders into our house now. Even though I have a feeling the next time you pick me up, you'll be beeping for me from your car parked on the paved road! LOL!

Shadow: Yes girl. I'm a big star. I was in Tiptoes. I'll look forward to your dollar and DVD. ;p

Ashton Lamont said...

that's my mum that is.