Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dear Joe Simpson, Quit Creeping Around My Legs! (Jeopardy Answer: Things Jessica Simpson would say.)

A funny thing happened to me when I went to go see the red-headed messiah and comedy idol, Kathy Griffin, this weekend with my gays.

I got R.L.S.

What's R.L.S. you say? Restless Leg Syndrome.

Yeah. I know. What the fuckity fuck? Leave it up to me to get random shit at the most inopportune time. I'm surprised I didn't get a whooping cough on top of it. Anyways, come closer, hold my hand and walk down short term memory lane with me won't you?

If you don't know what restless leg syndrome is, let me explain. It's this super creepy crawly feeling that you get in your legs and you're just unable to keep them still. There's this urge to MOVE. If you have gotten restless leg syndrome, then you know the feeling that I'm talking about. (or if you're Jessica Simpson, you know the kind of creepy that I'm talking about, right Joe Simpson?) I don't know much about it, but I've gotten it on and off throughout my life. I even saw a commercial for a magic pill that would get rid of R.L.S. in exchange for wonderful side effects like growing a giant fuzzy mole in the middle of your forehead, powerful bowel movements and sporadic turrets syndrome.

My restless leg attack was so bad this past Saturday, I would not have hesitated taking a bucketful of those pills. Apparently waking up 5:45 a.m., going fishing all day, stressing out over my dog, drinking two very strong Jack and Cokes (thanks John!), and eating way too much Chinese food was the secret ingredient to a full blown restless leg attack.

So there I was, fifth row at one of the most hilarious shows I've ever seen, trying to enjoy my girl Kathy and I could not, for the life of me, sit still. To top it off, they were taping it for Bravo which is going to air sometime in November, so I couldn't get up and walk it off. AND as if that wasn't bad enough, wouldn't you know it, with only a half hour left of the show, all of a sudden had to go to the bathroom really bad. If my tweaky fidgeting wasn't noticeable before, it was definitely noticeable now.

And I guess that's why I'm writing this post, if you watch it this November and the camera happens to pan on a Filipino girl who's crackin' out like Whitney Houston in her seat; um, that's just overly tired me suffering from R.L.S., full of piss, booze and Chinese food.

I told you I was due for a comeback.

3 comments:

Joseph said...

The Fidgety Midget... Coming to a screen near you: NOVEMBER 2009

SHADOW said...

LMAO Joseph!

Cynnie said...

i get that sometimes...it sucks ass

joe simpson is so fucking creepy ..
blah blah ..