I Come To You A Year Older with Stories of Strange Creatures and Beheadings..

Yes I know! I've been blog constipated for months now, pushing out little hard turd posts a pathetic twice, three times a month. For this I truly apologize to the few readers who STILL come back. (thank you for your patience and patronage by the way) My daughter is headed back to school on Monday so that should at least up my blog posts from two/three a month (sigh) to once a week? Hopefully? No promises because you all obviously know what happens to my "I swear I'll blog more" promises. (big deep exasperated SIGH).

Since we last gathered around my sputtering blog fire, a few things have happened. My birthday has come and gone. (August 12th, please mark it on your calendar as a national holiday if you haven't already. And feel free to click on the Amazon wish list button on your right to give me a belated birthday gift so I can forgive you for forgetting my 21ST BIRTHDAY. - don't question me).

Go on. I'll wait.

The viking hubby asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I asked him if he could please babyshit ( <---- typo but I'm leaving it because I'm lowbrow like that.) while I took off for the weekend with main gay Joey to visit our friend Debi and her husband Drew in Morro Bay, which is this sleepy little fisherman's town in the central coast of California. Viking hubby happily accepted as that meant he didn't have to go to the store and do hard things like "get a card" and "get a present."

If left to his own devices, I would have a gun collection that rivals his. TRUTH: When we first got married, I once got a huge stuffed gorilla, a box of chocolates AND A GUN for Valentine's day. His reasoning? So we could go shooting TOGETHER (aww) at the range with my very own gun. (I never did know what the giant gorilla was for but I imagine it was a stand in for him when he goes out fishing all day). He IS romantic people.. just in a very soldier of fortune kind of way. But I know viking hubby's limits now and I abide by them.

So I had a fabulous birthday weekend in Morro Bay eating, laughing, sleeping in, taking naps, kayaking, - everything a vacation should be with good friends. I won't go into details because my vacation is part of my summer vacation episode of I'm Not Samantha Brown that is currently in the works.

In other news? I've been experiencing a whole new way of life up here in my new hilltop home and by 'experiencing' - I mean screaming at the top of my lungs at the funky creatures that insist on visiting us. Or they could've been sent by the bees and lizards to kill us for murdering their kind once we moved in.

For example, please oh baby Jesus in heaven, what in holy peroxide is this???


It was shaped like a giant ant with what can only be described as bleach blonde David Bowie locks all over its body. I guess I caught it as it was getting back from the salon, because I saw NO roots. This bug is way ahead of Britney Spears already.

And one time, I attempted to take a stick that had gotten stuck on my flip flop when it said, "oh hell no bitch!" and CRAWLED AWAY.

Let me recap for you what I just said in case you didn't fully grasp the creep factor of this incident.

THE STICK.

WALKED.

AWAY.


I won't even tell you how much crap ran down my pants when that happened because it would just be embarassing and would cause you to look at me in an even more unflattering light than you already do.

One bottle of hand sanitzer and a couple of soiled panties later, we found a visitor hitching a ride on our floating temperature gage in the pool. This visitor's first name was Rattle last name Snake.

That's right, you heard correct. A baby rattle snake decided to take a dip into our pool. This is truly when viking hubby's countrified blood starts pumping in excitement. Before I could even take a picture, he had pushed the floating gage to the edge of the pool with a stick and when Mr. Rattlesnake stuck his head up to the edge of the pool to get out, he was then treated to a beheading by viking hubby with said stick. I had to convince viking hubby to throw it away and not make meal and a belt out of it. I apologize for not taking a picture but I have to tell you that it takes all my might to go within two feet of a bug so really, unless I had one of those paparazzi camera with the telescopic lens, a drawing is the best I could do:

(click on below images to make it larger)

Seriously - who needs a camera when you have my lifelike paint sketches? It really does transport you to the moment doesn't it?

So anyways, that's it for now - we'll see if other strange creatures make an appearance here at Casa De VikingMidget Ranch, (dragonflies with mohawks? humming birds with fake eyelashes?, spiders scooting around in a lowered impala??) and I'll make sure to report these findings to you.

Thank you in advance for my birthday presents.

(If anything my new talent for subtle gift begging warrants at least a small gift of circus peanuts or smelly stickers.) ;-)