Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Dear Circus: Why So Circusy?

I got a Ramen noodle up my ass today (they don't digest well sometimes) and I decided to take the munchkin to the circus before the weekend crowd came. The price was a poor man's pleasure of 12 bucks per ticket. Sweet. Especially since the munchkin would practically drop a hard turd in her pants whenever she saw a commercial for the circus, I knew for sure she would be excited to go.

I bought our tickets which was indeed 12 bucks but I should have known better than to think I would get away with a bargain. We got inside and the munchkin wanted some popcorn. Okay - popcorn, that can't be that bad right, popped corn kernels in a cardboard box? How much could that possibly be? Four bucks tops right?

I kept digging around in the box looking for gold nuggets, a small car or free maid service - something that would explain the exorbitant price. I can't tell you how much I wanted to give the popcorn man a thousand paper cuts with the cash I begrudgingly gave him. And they TOTALLY got me after that because they put roughly two cups of salt in it so of COURSE we would have to buy lemonade lest our tongues shrivel into jerky. The lemonade they had came in a lovely 'collectible' squeezee cup thingy at the "bargain price" of 9 DOLLARS. I think I snarled at the lemonade guy and nipped at his fingers when he came for my money.

The munchkin was very excited to be at the circus for about an hour and then she was over it. And I have to say I don't blame her. Since when did the circus get so A.D.D.? Isn't there suppose to be the center ring where all the circus happiness happens? This was not the case at the circus we went to tonight. There was crap going on all OVER the place - at the same time! The center ring, the side ring, the ceiling, the basement, under my seat. Oh lookit the horses over there doing the running man, but oh check out the zebras over here smoking cigarettes and oh lookit that foreign Chinese girl walking on a tightrope with her tongue, what about that guy juggling parapalegic midgets! DAMN! I got whiplash trying to look at everything all at once. I imagine this is what it must look like in Paula Abdul's brain.

The worst of part of it was the ringmaster and all the performers who had speaking parts were LIP SYNCING. Seriously? A Paula Abdul theme with a Milli Vanilli performance? No one could understand a word they said. You could tell they were getting pissed off when they would ask for some audience participation and got none because they all sounded like they were chewing on Dirk Diggler's peen.

Ring Master: Ladies and Gentlemen are you ready for the show?
What we actually heard: Shammies and gelatin, are few dilly in the snow?

Top that off with horrible community theater acting complete with cheesy overly gestured gesturing bordering on jazz hands, a stupid 'side plot' of some green clown trying to 'ruin the show' - the ongoing storyline was stupid and about as pointless as having a plot in porn (not that I've ever watched - I've just, you know, heard about it and what not ...) I was looking for the vendor selling fast forward buttons so we could just hurry up and get to the good shit.

The only time I was truly entertained was when the tigers came out. I was wishing so hard that one of the tigers would swipe the trainer guy that I think I popped a blood vessel. I didn't want him to get mauled or anything but a little maiming and a loss limb or two would've brought me right back into the show! Don't judge. The man was wearing a gold corset with tight sparkly cream leggings and was totally a German Tony Little. (pre-recorded, unintelligible yelling....with a heavy German accent.). He practically had a sign on his back that said "Tiger Food." Oh how I wished and wished. Screw you Oprah, The Secret doesn't work for evil! I should have known.

I also remembered why I don't like watching the circus. The animals. Elephants, tigers and zebras should be running around, indiscriminately shitting all over the jungle and sleeping in the shade. It just feels wrong when you bedazzle their anuses and make them do a ballerina twirls.

OH! And the irony of it all?


The entire circus experience was unnatural and surreal. It was too .........dare I say....CIRCUS-Y!

That's right. I'm complaining about the circus for being what it is. Just agree with me and lets not argue about it anymore.


Joseph said...

Oh honey....where EXACTLY can one get their anus bedazzeled? Thinking about something special for my next date. And weren't you and I going for our bleaching appoinment too?

Anonymous said...

Aaaaaand this? Right here? Is why I never give up on you, no matter how long you keep me waiting for a new post.

Sherry said...

Don't be shy about watching porn
:-) we all know you do...