Monday, July 20, 2009

The Bank Fathered My New Gray Hair #35.

But gray hair makes you look distinguised right??? So all this gray hair is a good thing!

Wait, I think you have to have a penis for that adjective to apply....

Oh well, aging hag it is. I curse you vagina.

On with the story...

The other day while I was checking the balance on my bank account online - and by 'checking my balance' I really mean, 'crying at the $5.00 left over when all our bills our paid.' However, instead of the paltry crumbs of cash left in the wake of our bills, it appeared that we didn't even have crumbs, we had a black hole! We were in the red!

I cried out. (I turn very Latin when I get angry.)

I had deposited a check on Monday that should have covered everything and then some! Upon further investigation of my transaction, I realized the check I deposited on Monday was never recorded and/or put through! How could this be? I had used their deposit box inside the bank which was basically the same as going to the teller, as in the checks were processed and deposited that day.... well all except for my check apparently. I guess I'm just lucky like that.

I called the branch and some douche bag who was about as useful as a fingerless lesbian claimed that no such deposit was made and was I sure that I went into THEIR branch? oh and what day did you go? Are you sure? Are you sure you aren't really a 80 year old woman with early onset of Alzheimer's? Are you sure the mensies aren't putting you in a crazed state ma'am? Clearly the last of your brain cells have lost their way and made it into your tampon because SURELY our bank could not possibly lose/misplace a check.

It was at this time that I went beyond Latin and turned into east L.A. chola on his ass, complete with sharpee eyebrows and the nickname 'Baby Puta.'

are you fukin tellin' me you lost my check eh? You stupid pendejo, Imma go over there and fuckin' kick your ass eh.'

Despite my threats to run him over with my Impala, he still couldn't find my check. I hung up on him, called my boss, informed him of the situation and he went to the bank and re-deposited my paycheck himself thank goodness. But upon checking my account again the next day, I saw that my bank had charged me $66.00 dollars worth of overdraft charges since checks had cleared against my account when there was still no money in it because THEY HAD LOST MY PAYCHECK!

I emailed the corporate offices about the situation, thinking they were the only ones that could refund an overdraft fee. But they gave me some bullshit email about it taking them 24 to 48 hours to 'review' my email and 'research' the situation so I called the branch that had lost my check again to see what they could do. We eventually resolved the problem and they found the check. As it turns out, it was kind of my bad and kind of their bad, the pen I was writing with was low on ink and they couldn't read my account number. My name in the system is my maiden name slash my married name and the name on my check was just my married name so they couldn't pull it up via my name either.

HOWEVER, the clueless skid mark I had spoke to the first time should have found that check and resolved the problem immediately. So they happily refunded the $66.00 dollars they had charged me with no arguments. I didn't go Latino, chola or even rabid hyena on anyone this time around, which was a relief.

On the corporate side, they sent me an email that stated they had 'researched' my situation, they saw that my check did go through two days later and that the overdraft charges were correct as they had to cover the checks that had gone through the day before the deposit. I told them that I was in awe of their 'stellar' research skills and suggested a future career with the CIA. (I wasn't sarcastic at all I swear..) I explained to them that the situation had been resolved with the local branch so thanks but I'm good. But I also felt the need to explain to them that the deposit that they saw was my boss redepositing the check that had been misplaced and that the overdraft charges that I was contesting would not have incurred had my check gone through on the day that I deposited it.

Does that make sense to you guys? I didn't think it was that confusing. I even gave them a break down that looked like this:

Monday: deposited paycheck.
Tuesday: paycheck didn't go through. So checks cleared and overdraft charges happened which WOULDN'T have happened if my paycheck went THROUGH on Monday - the day I deposited my paycheck.
Wednesday: Boss redeposited my paycheck.

The end right?

Oh no. They emailed me back, still NOT understanding the situation, and EXPLAINED TO ME WHAT OVERDRAFT CHARGES WERE and why they provide this valuable overdraft protection to their customers. Um yeah, I KNOW what it means as I've taken advantage of this "valuable overdraft protection" more than once - I could give a Learning Annex seminar on how to take advantage of their 'valuable overdraft protection' when you're short on cash.

At this point I'm convinced these online bank tellers are being outsourced from a ditch full of meth addicts. Were they even reading my emails? Just to check, I emailed them back and explained to them in detail what the term 'illiterate jackasses' meant and that I have provided this 'valuable' information at no charge to them. (See how nice I am?)

I'm still waiting for a response.....


Beth said...

Okay, so I know that I really should be commenting about the story as a whole, but this is sticking with me:

"useful as a fingerless lesbian"

Honestly, there is chocolate milk all over the screen of my new laptop now. Wait! Did I say chocolate milk? I meant water. Cool, clear water--the stuff that fat-asses who can't fit into their jeans should be drinking. Chocolate milk? No way was I drinking that.

Anyway, a little warning next time, okay? I don't want to ruin this new baby with choco, um, water.

Blues said...

I'm with Beth. The fingerless lesbian part got read aloud to everyone in the room (just my husband and I cause we're losers and have no friends).

Oh I love coming over here for a laugh.

Sherry Hipple Photography said...

I hate when you have to go into elaborate detail to people who are so stupid they still don't get the situation.
I'll tell my husband about the fingerless lesbian.
And I like you going all chola on someone, ese.

CP said...

Okay. I love you. You know that. But, chola or not...I ain't skeered of yer little midget ass. I am totally stealing this line:

"...useful as a fingerless lesbian"

and pretending that I came up with it. Consider yourself notified.