Thursday, July 09, 2009

My Neighbors Are Creepy.


Remember when I said I had no neighbors? Well I spoke too soon. I do have neighbors. A lot of them actually. Like the beige, M&M sized, spider whose residence is located right in front of our backdoor. I discovered our neighbor the first morning when I walked right into his creation and got a face full of spider house. My screeching and clawing at my face and hair didn't make a very good first impression I'm sure. In fact, we started off on the wrong foot. I totally blame myself for this. I attempted to get rid of my neighbor by spraying Raid spider spray killer on him. He said, bitch please, rolled his eight eyes on me, dabbed it on his eight underarms and thanked me for the free cologne. We ended up compromising, I'd 'let' him live as long as he relocated to one of the bushes in the backyard. I even provided transportation for my neighbor via a broom held as far away from me as my short stubby arms would go.

Tragically, we've already had an altercation with one neighbor, Mr. Holy Shit is That a Lizard or One of My Dog's Turds? Or Mr. Hstlomdt for short. I think he was Czechoslovakian. Anyways, he must have took a wrong turn at Albuquerque because I walked in on him using our restroom facilities and appearing to be very confused. Again, I made a horrible first impression by throwing my flip flops on him. He ran under the sink and that's where I lost him. I hoped Mr. Hstolmdt would find his way outside again and not talk shit about us to the other lizards in the neighborhood. I didn't want to get a reputation for being a snobby neighbor, you know how it is. I kept checking the bathroom and the sink for the next hour or two in hopes that I would see him so I could apologize and send him on his way. But I didn't see him anywhere so I figured he had fixed his GPS and made his way back home.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. My theory for Mr. Hslomdt's death is that he made the big mistake of asking our dog for directions. How was Mr. Hslomdt suppose to know that my dog is the little retard Lenny of the family? I'm sure my dog just wanted to love him, squeeze him and make Mr. Hslomdt his very own before he broke his neck. Tragic I tell you. I won't go into details on what condition I found him in but I will say that we conducted a very beautiful memorial, Jennifer Hudson came and sang via my Ipod and his tail performed a short dance before stopping abruptly. We then flushed him down the toilet in a very beautiful casket made of three ply toilet paper.

R.I.P. Mr. Holy Shit is That A Lizard or One of My Dog's Turds?

My other neighbors, thank goodness have been very respectful in keeping their distance and scurrying away whenever they see us. Shy types I suppose. I've met most of them, like the flurry of bees by the hillside who seem to want to join us in the pool whenever we go out there around noon. Unfortunately, and maybe this is a culture thing, they just don't understand the meaning of personal space as they fly right by our faces when we're swimming. I hope they don't think badly of us when we splash and try to drown them. And I'm so embarassed because I couldn't help but stare at one neighbor who was caramel colored, had six legs, was slightly furry and resembled a cross between a spider and a roach. I had no idea what it was and really I should have just asked instead of stared. I mean, of all people, I certainly have nothing against biracial (bi-insectal?) children.

All in all, even though its been a rough two weeks neighborwise, I think everything has settled down and hopefully they're all starting to get used to the boundaries I've set. (Raid, bug spray, bee repellants, etc.). Although the other day I saw a disturbing amount of lizards by our car, a 'gang' of them if you will. I'm pretty sure they were trying to let air out of one of the tires. I think Mr. Hstlomdt family might be looking for a little revenge.

(Gulp)

5 comments:

Joseph said...

FYI: Where there be lizards, there be snakes. You be country now, girl. Country. Watch yer back.

Tug said...

I can handle spiders unless they're big & hairy...then they're sprayed with hair spray (freezes them) and live under a bowl until someone visits & takes them out...I don't care if it's the middle of my living room floor.

Reptiles? Ewww...I'd move. seriously.

Much luck!

Blues said...

Girl, where in the hell did you move? The effin jungle?

My neighbors are gigantic roaches, although they are seasonal, only come in for the summer. But they are really fucking rude and just barge right in whenever they want. I'm totally sick of always being like, "dude sorry, I'm kinda trying to take a piss right now, it's really not a good time."

Oh, I fucking hate my neighbors. I gotta get out of this neighborhood...the riff-raff, i tell ya.

Softball Slut said...

Try using hairspray. At least their hair looks good while you are running and screaming at them away from them?

CP said...

Ew. Crawly things. So not welcome in my neighborhood. Blah.