Friday, March 06, 2009

Feeling Dirty Down Under. Used and abused by the Barrier Reef.

Australia decided to screw all the other candidates and offered me the job because I was so spectacularly fabulous they were BESIDE themselves! No one else compares they shrieked! Come oh short one, please work for us they begged! However, I respectfully declined because I think my skills are very much needed in Missouri.

I don't think I need to tell you that I'm making jokes through my tears.

First let me just say THANK YOU to everyone who voted for me, and for those who voted for me and then made themselves my campaign managers and passed it on. Thank you! Thank you! I felt so loved. I wanted to snuggle up under the covers with all of you but knowing the lot that reads me, that's just asking for a dutch oven.. but hey, it's the thought that counts.

Anyways...they chose the top 50 candidates this Monday and yours truly did not make the cut. Why? Because I'm not a t.v. journalist, a scientist, a charity fundraiser, an adventurer (IE: trust fund babies) or someone who's wrestled camels in Yemin and balanced on a dolphin's fin in Cabo San Lucas. In other words, I don't already have an awesome job so therefore I don't qualify for a chance to have yet another awesome job. And so it goes. Sigh.

Okay, I'm not bitter, really I'm not. After watching the videos of the 50 candidates, I KNOW why I wasn't picked. I was HIGHLY under qualified. HOWthefuckityfuckEVER. Why o' why perpetrate that this 'job' was up for grabs for "ANYONE." Those poor saps in Alaska were given a false sense of hope that maybe they could finally stop chomping on whale blubber and get a taste of the good (warm) life. And a poor little midget with one foot into Misery thought that maybe, just maybe, she could stay by the ocean just a little longer. Well actually, I know why, they wanted the press, they wanted me (and every other under qualified candidate) to tell you to go to their site in the guise of "voting for me." Oh the million hits they got! Tee hee. Oh yeah, laugh it up Australia, you done fooled me. You done made me feel durty down under. You held up the dream as bait, made me see "signs" and I bit.

In my opinion, if they truly are looking for people to come visit the Barrier Reef in Australia, I think they are making a big mistake in hiring a person who no one can relate to - well except other t.v. journalists, trust fund babies, scientists, and marine biologists, who are probably going to visit Australia ANYWAYS. So what's the point? I thought they were looking for an average ol' Joe (or Jane) to tell other average ol' Joe's and Jane's that Australia was the place to be. Put a familiar face to someplace unfamiliar right? Can I get a amen?

OR maybe, just maybe...there's a small chance that my video could have just sucked.
Naaaah. THAT can't be it. (psst ..I'm way too proud and self centered to admit that..shhhh.)

Again, I'm not bitter (I swear if I keep saying over and over again it'll be true) because out of the experience a 'new idea' popped into my head. With the help of my Flip digital camera and my stellar movie maker skillz, (by stellar I really mean click on stuff until I get it..) I'm making my own damn travel show. About San Diego. I'm leaving anyways - so this gives me a chance to really go out to different parts of San Diego and appreciate my surroundings before I am thrown into the middle of America where the only way I can view the ocean is through Google Earth.

And hell, I might continue my show in Missouri! - who doesn't want to see a Filipino midget slip and slide in cow poo at PJ's dairy farm? Wouldn't it be so funny if my little Youtube series got more hits than Australia's fancy schmancy oooh lookit me I'm a marine biologist who's built orphanages underwater and now I'm Australia's marketing bitch blog?

Ahhh there I go dreaming big again. Someone really needs to stage an intervention with my brain's grandtabulous ideas and dreams.

Stay tuned. I'm taping my first episode tomorrow in La Jolla, California. I'm going to a Japanese restaurant with my main gay Joey and oh the precious moments we will have! We shall talk about the food, get loopy on the drinks, observe (talk shit) to the La Jolla 'richy" scene and walk into stores where they will see us for the peasants that we are and get kicked out on our paycheck to paycheck livin asses!

Oh yeah, I'm really doing it.

Austraizzle, can suck on my nutsizzle.

But again, I'm not bitter.


J. said...

Campaign Manager - Can I put that on my resume?
Well shit girl, I was looking forward to my free plane ticket to Australia. WTH am I gonna do now?

And I just have to say, although it sucks you're moving, I can't wait to read your entries once you do. I'll make sure I have my Depends on. :)

Melly said...

Well, since I'm not a fan of the ocean, I'd much rather watch your series about Missouri!!

Who wants to live with the sharks anyway? F that crazap!

Yo Momma said...

you guys would enjoy my misery in misery!!! lol!

mel - does your fear of sharks stem from the same fear of blood thirsty MExicans that were sure to kill us foreigners once we crossed the border? ;p

deb-or-ah said...

Missouri is good! You gave it your all and that is the best anyone can ask for. Anxiously awaiting the pictures of middle America poo!

Caroline said...

Oh, girl ... I'm so sorry. I could see the writing on the wall when I went to their site and everyone in the "most watched" part of the site was wearing a bikini, a full set of safari gear, big white teeth, or all three. Those that have, get, or so it seems. Screw 'em! Besides, Misery sounds like, um, fun?

Tug said...

That just sucks the big one that they didn't choose you - stupidasses.

Can't wait to see your San Diego travel guide, and ok, even Missouri.

Jean said...

Can't wait to watch your new show! Amen!

SHADOW said...

Ah sucks! They can go suck salt! I think they made a huge mistake in they way they are choosing a winner.

Boo hoo on them.

So yeah, like when is your travel series coming out on the tube land? :-)

Karen MEG said...

They do not know what they passed would have been awesome.

So now I look forward to your own show on San Diego ... somewhere I've always wanted to visit. And I'm sure you'll find interesting stuff in Missouri too....

Cynnie said...

yeah, I noticed some of the other contestants were mighty fancy..
give us a show in missouri..
and you can come to Amarillo Tx and cry with me :)