Wednesday, February 25, 2009

FACT: A Body In Motion Tends to Really Hate You While You're Doing It.

(Brain): Is someone chasing us?

(eyeballs): Not that we can see. Then again I think the homepage of Facebook has been burned into our retinas, compromising our ability to see clearly, so don't take our word for it.

(Brain): Can someone inform her that we're not being chased?

(Me): We've been through this before guys, I'm running now remember?

(Brain): oh so this is like a regular thing?! For no reason. We're just running....all the way over there...and back? And no one is chasing us? I'm confused.

(Shins): Sonuvabitch. Can you inform her that Ms. Thang is no longer in high schooland her legs are the size of lil' smokies. We've got to do overtime when she runs!

(Me): Believe me I know, I can feel both of you burning in contempt.

(Legs): You know I think she's got nice stems for a short girl.

(Me): Me too - thank you Legs.

(Shins): Yeah, sexy lil' smokies.

(Me): Shut up. We have to do this...we have to run...

(Ass): Why don't we just call it out like it is! It's ME okay! She's trying to get rid of me!! (sniffs)

(Me): oh ass, don't cry. It's not you, it's just all the extra friends that surround you.

(Ass): Don't try to be nice to me now that everyone's listening ....

(Lungs): Is...it... possible...for you...to...argue...(pant pant) ...with yourself...while...sitting down...at ...that...lovely Denny's ....over there....see? They have.....pancakes....in there...go...let's run ...there!

(Brain, Eyeballs, Shins, Stomach, Arms, Fingers, Toes, Hair, Ass): YEAH! Let's EAT!!!


(Me): No one wants a Grand Slam more than I do guys but come on, if I keep eating like that I'm going to have my own gravitational pull.

(Ass): You're talking about me again aren't you? Admit it. I heard you cursing about me in the dressing room at Target. It's not my fault you couldn't fit into those jeans!

(Me): well..actually, yeah it was. I was having a hard time getting past you to put it on.

(Ass): Shut up! You're trying to kill me is what you're doing. How the hell was I suppose to breath in those!? Who needs jeans!? What's wrong with your sweats for chrissakes!?

(Stomach): It's not just you ass - I haven't seen the light of day since her daughter was born. Remember all the good times we had together in Palm Springs, Lake Havasu, or anytime it was hot. I don't even remember what the sun feels like anymore!! I saw you eyeballing a one piece this past summer! Are you ashamed of me!?!?

(Me): This is exactly the reason why we cannot run to the Denny's.

(Stomach): Ooh you know what they have at Denny's - the Rooti Tooti Fresh and Fruity.

(Mouth): Omg! Let's go NOW.

(Brain): That's IHOP genius.

(Mouth): Whatever! Let's go to IHOP then!

(Me): No! On top of possibly looking like an exercise ball, do you know how all this fattening crap will screw with my health? I mean, hello, heart disease is only a couple In & Out Burgers away.

(Mouth): If you speak ill of In & Out one more time I swear I will make you swallow your own tongue!

(Heart): And please, don't be bringing me into this shit, I'm fine. I say eat all you want, I can take it!

(Me): That's really admirable but you're not going to be saying that when I'm hauling my 2 ton ass off the couch and you have to work over time just so I can get to the kitchen to have another glass of gravy.

(Mouth): mmmmm - gravy.

(Ass): There you go again talking shit about me. I have feelings too you know.

(Me): This is good for all of us okay? I know it sucks but you know the alternative sucks more.

(Brain): What's the alternative?

(Me): Well remember that lady at Wal-Mart that was in a flower moo moo who smelled of moldy towels, taking up half the aisle as she perused their vast selection of Pop Tarts?

(Brain): RUN GOOD WOMAN RUN!!!

9 comments:

Beth said...

Damn, now I'm running too.

franki said...

oh this was fucking brilliant. i've missed you.

Tami T said...

Thanks Elaine, I'll remember this conversation during my run this weekend.

elisa said...

you're a genius. don't tell anyone i said that.

Tug said...

L.O.L. I don't get the whole "running" thing unless there are bases. Never will...and yes, my body shows it.

In N Out. *SIGH* I miss those...I have a friend in Phoenix that sends them to me (with beer - BEST.FRIEND.EVER) on my birthday.

Caroline said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I was just contemplating doing some exercise - then I had a brownie and the idea passed.

panda_eyed said...

Brilliant! Love this post! I'm putting the chocolate down now! Thanks for the motivation :)

SHADOW said...

(Heart): And please, don't be bringing me into this shit, I'm fine. I say eat all you want, I can take it!


BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!! OMG DYING!!!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE it!!!! I totally feel you...well, all my body parts agree with your body parts anywayz...good for you to keep going!

Keep up the sense of humor...it gets you through all the sprints I know you are doing (you are sprinting, right...don't make me run your ass ragged when I get back!)!

Sandi