Monday, November 03, 2008

October = Ike Turner. And this post = longest post in history. Sit down. Stay awhile.

Ike is to Tina as October was to me.

In other words, October bitch slapped me hard ...closed fist and everything. The good news is I left that asshole October, got a restraining order and my therapy is tomorrow night. (MA.DON.NA!!!!!!)
More on that later....

First thing's first, I started off my busy month at the end of September actually, doing my duties as an oh so holy ordained reverend and marrying off one of my bestest friends.

A flip flop wedding is, in my opinion, the best wedding there is by the way.

It was a nice warm up to my other best friend's wedding that I was due to officiate as well. And just when I started to feel like the most reverendy reverend who's ever reverended. October started to push me and call me nasty names.

The first weekend was my friend's bachelorette party, which ended up being an awesome slumber party with the girls and at least one of us mistaking the screen door as 'fog' outside and running into it face first. (Hi A!) Good times, good times. No half nekkid policeman came to the door to conduct any body inspections though because Brandie's not the kind of chick who would enjoy watching a male stripper.
The type of girl who would be into that sort of thing put her dollar bills discreetly back into my purse.

But then October felt bad for pushing me and the next weekend I was off on a cruise with one of my good friends, who I've known since elementary school, and her sister. Again, more good times was had by all. As the pictures below capture...

An emergency run through drill tried to thwart our efforts to feast upon the free buffet. It failed.

Our cruise begins with a bang as we encounter drunk chunk trying to fornicate onstage with the calypso band leader. She failed; however, I think the band leader had to change into clean pants midway through his set.

We decided we had to get in on whatever drunk chunk was drinking. But at $5.00 a pop, I ended up drinking one margarita that didn't get me drunk but did give me a wonky eye and Mel got confused and ordered a soda.

The guy who took this picture apparently had the same amount of drinks as drunk chunk because he swore up and down this picture was in focus. On a good note, we finally capture the term 'beer goggles' on film.

So we all decided to take it up the stern. And by 'it' I mean another picture. Probably not the brightest idea to do it at night as we could have easily taken this picture in our room and had the same effect with better lighting.

The next day we arrived at Ensenada, Mexico. We decided to take a bus to La Bufadora - this amazing gyser with shops nearby - and we were encountered by bus singer dude who insisted on taking pictures with 'the Barbies' and "Lucy Liu" - um, can you guess who was "Lucy Liu?"

I guess amazing in Spanish translates into 'meh' in English, because the brochures showed this huge Dirk Diggler like spout :
But all we got was this Ryan Seacrest hiss spittle that barely made it past the rocks:

This woman sportin' Boo pigtails was a more amazing, awe inspiring site to behold:

If you think that's great, you should have seen the mini skirt she was sporting. I was actually debating on whether it was a mini skirt or underwear with ruffles on it. Who can say? Alls I know is I love her.

But we were good sports and made a photo-op out of it anyways. See the tourist asses in the background? It really captures the moment does it not?

We shopped like we had two cents to our name because quite honestly, we only had three cents to our name. And we scored 'Prada' bags (or as we lovingly call them: Prado) for a bargain price. Check out Shannon with her designer imposter:

Then it was back on the boat for some more free food and watching drunk people who could afford drinks - or who would sober up quickly by the end of the weekend when they got their bill. Either was a blast.

Drunk chunk makes another wobbly appearance at the karaoke bar! Hells yeah! At this point, we were all big fans.

And of course, no cruise would be complete without a bunch of drunken guys having a bromance and hitting on everything that moved. The guy in the white shirt was so drunk that we thought he might have been a little 'special' - in a helmet wearing, short bus kind of way.

That's not to say that we weren't tempted to hit on a few people on the boat......

Mel was clearly grabbing the pirate's ass. See how fake his smile is and how uncomfortable he looks???

Oh giant pumpkin, if only you loved me back.

These boys were fun but a little too young to hit on. Plus the aging prom queen in the red creeped us out. True story: One of the boys sang 'Hey There Delilah" to her..I guess...and she proceeded to get down on her knees on the dance floor, cry and blow kisses at him. If the cruise was our cake, then she was our icing.
See video of her royal hot mess here.

We were way too intimidated to hit on this hot piece.

Thank you Jesus! He answered my prayers for a hot stripper....kind of.

Each of us also did one thing that we wanted to do before the trip was over.

Shannon attended the country line dancing lessons....

And then yelled obscenities at her sister for ditching her mid-lesson.

Mel said screw line dancing, she was going to brave the giant water twisty slide. She was all gung ho before she realized how cold it was....

But she rocked down that slide anyways...

And of course, staying true to my Lucy Liu roots, I opted to sing a little karaoke with a few back up singers to boot. Please note the girl to the right had NO mike. That's how bomb ass we were..(I sang Bills, Bills, Bills, we were the Wal-Mart version of Destiny's Child. Hollah.)

Karaoke and booze brings forth new BFFs from out of no where!
Sadly, the fun had to end and I had to get back to real life. This picture captures how we all felt about coming back from the cruise...

Actually, that was our reaction to the hairy chest contest they were having on the liiidooo deck. But still, close enough. Because upon returning on Monday, October finally balled up his fists and began his ground and pound on my poor little body.

I had to immediately get the house gussied up (ie: CLEAN) for my house guests and prepare to get holy again because I was back on the reverend shift that coming Saturday!

Even though I was beat up, all went well with the wedding, and my reverend powers were unmatched.

Pronouncing them man and wife before I was officially drunk with power...
Hmm, wha? Levitate the DJ you say? It shall be done!!
Did I also mention my house guest Mary (a good ol' college bud) and her five year old daughter were staying with me that week too? So we hit the beach, the harbor and we took the girls to Lego land on their last day here...

The munchkin makes every photo op into a high fashion editorial. Please excuse her.

Finally, the next and FINAL weekend of October there was Halloween .....

Politically correct bi-racial Cinderella shows us how princessing is done.

And viking hubby as Dog The Bounty Hunter showing us how facial hair should NOT be done. Although that mullet is kind of sexy.

I finally came to my senses, bandaged up my wounds, and bid October a farewell. It was hard you know, because we had some good times, and really, you all don't know him like I know him...he could be very sweet when he wanted to be. But it's for the best ...because around the corner and one sleep away was November.

And November had a much bigger the form of MADONNA!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. It will be a vlog on my next post. Every little minute of my endless mission to be near Madge's vadges will be documented via video.

Me and madge, together again? Front row? It shall be done!!!


Elizabeth Grace said...

Lots of cool pics,but I'm not over the guy in the bib overalls. Are they lavender?

Elaine said...

liz: yes, they were like a lavender, pastel-y purple. regardless. he was rocking that outfit. complete with purple crocs

Shannon Bieger said...

HA HA HA! Your captions are so much funnier because you say what I dare not say. But one question, where oh where is the video of the aging prom queen?!!

Tug said...

Prado! LOVE that movie. seriously. And thank you. Thank you for not cropping out the white jeans-wearing tourist asses.

The munchkin is presh, as always...and the mullet totally rocks on the Viking hubby.

Now the guy in lavender bibs & crocs...yeah. Glad to be single. ;-) If ever I do get married again, I'm so doing it in SOCAL, and you'll be the marrying midget. (marrier? I'll be in flip flops at the ocean, you can call yourself whatever you want, & I'll make my groom buy drinks.

Tug said...


forgot that.

Lizzle said...

I realize that the photos really just captured highlights, as opposed to the month in total, but I gotta say, you might be comparing October to Ike Turner, but I think it looked pretty f-ing fabulous!

Lizzle said...

(Not nearly as fabulous or adorable as your little princess though.)

Oh, and you could never be confused for Lucy Liu! You're way more awesome and you don't have a ridiculous case of the wonk eye when alcohol is not involved!

J. said...

And again, you crack me up.
Looks like a blast was had by all.
I'm moving into your house.