Wednesday, October 08, 2008

One girl and a cup. Of juice and/or water. The end.

I'm fasting right now and I know this laptop is going to look like a chicken fried steak come 12:30 or so. Actually it's my second day of fasting, which isn't as bad as the first day. Yesterday I was seriously ready to eat my own. The munchkin started looking like a little stay puff marshmallow that I wanted to take a bite out of. Well, I always want to take a bite out of her so I guess I can't blame the fasting on that.
You're probably asking, oh midgety, why the fast?
Why? Because I feel that if there are hungry people on this earth, then why should I have the luxury of eating?? The question should be why aren't YOU fasting you selfish selfish squirrel!!

Okay, not really.

I wish I was that profound and giving but unfortunately this is all for selfish reasons. I fast maybe once or twice a year when I feel like the ol midget mobile needs an oil change. Nothing too major sets it off, if I feel a little sluggish, my skin and hair feels all grossaroo no matter what I do (oooh rhyming!) or in general I know I've been eating like shit, I fast. I drink only liquids for about two to three days - water, this vitamin drink, V8,- specifically the Fusion kind that taste like fruit, because if you know me but at all, a tall glass of tomatoes, mushed up broccoli and other veggies is not my idea of a good time. The fast sucks, but I really do feel better afterwards, like I'm all blank canvassy and can resume to eating my usual diet of pork rinds and circus peanuts. Oh and I lost weight too. Good times.

It may or may not be a good idea since I'm just getting over a cough but I'm doing it anyways. So there! How about them apples??!?!
Mmmm. Apples.

Okay, moving along, I'm trying really hard to avoid political talk, wah wah I can't pay my bills song, and the please give me more money dance on this blog, because that's boring and whiny and we're all doing that song and dance. Although, if you happen to have extra cash laying around, I will most definitely dance for you. Don't paypal me just yet, just to let you know I'm limited to dancing of the square variety, that little two foot hop hop that the New Kids do when they sing The Right Stuff, (and now that song is in your head...NOW! bwahaha!) and of course, dropping it like it's warm.
I can't drop it like it's hot. My ass doesn't have that kind of coordination and let's be honest, my ass isn't going to drop it like it's hot since I'm so close to the ground anyways. It's looking at me lke, bitch we gotta head start, what's the rush?

No seriously, what am I talking about right now?? I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, I didn't realize circus peanut withdrawals would be this bad.

Dear Mommy Nature,

What in sticky sweaty cleavages is going on right now?!?! Are you aware that it is October? It should not be 90 degrees outside! My finger prints melted on my steering wheel yesterday. I am sans finger prints! Which normally would be an opportune time to rob Krispy Kremes, but I can't. You know why? It's TOO HOT! Please put in a phone call to Fall and tell him his ass his late.

Thank you.
Filipino Banana Pudding

mmmmm, banana pudding.

I'm off to gnaw on my calves now (where's that seasoning salt??).
OH and don't forget to check out this video....put in your order now because you know Michael Jackson is flooding up the phone lines as soon as he sees this shiz!


Tug said...

That baby is just all kinds of wrong - dolls should NOT have rising peen.

Apples are mostly water, aren't they?

Doo do do doo do (heh, I said doo do)...the right stuff!

Bluestreak said...

This post had me laughing hysterically. Mostly because I feel this way just between meals, I could never handle fasting.

SHADOW said...

Aww your fasting? You can do it! I know you are going to reward yourself after the fast with a nice bowl of ice cream drowned in a pool of malt vinegar. :-)

I am also starting my 2nd MC next week.

Shannon Bieger said...

You're fasting before the cruise? You nut! Just don't gnaw on the kitty.

Lizzle said...

That baby is just all kinds of wrong.


As for the fast, I have a few friends who do this from time to time... They say it works for them too. Personally, I just eat crap, and hit the gym a little harder when I feel super gross... Although I don't currently have a gym membership... HMMMM...

I guess anorexia is the cheapest diet of all!

Yo Momma said...

tug: that rising peen is just indecent. I mean seriously. What are those british people thinking?

bluestreak: It is really the first day that sucks balls. The second day, your stomach just gives up and stops asking. HAHA! Still though..everything on t.v. looks DELISHSIOUS!!

shadow: Oooh ice cream and malt vinegar?!?! That might be the new midget dessert right there!

shannon: that way I won't feel bad when I eat all the food in the entire ship.

lizzle: I'm actually not fasting to lose weight. I'm fasting to clean out the gunk in my system.... the weight loss is just kind of a added bonus! LOL!

Franki said...

if i don't get me one of those dolls, i will probably die. what an icebreaker at the local bars!