Wednesday, October 15, 2008

If Cleanliness is next to Godliness - then I'm in Purgatory.


Is it just me or does everyone's house appear to be cleaner than mine no matter how hard I try to get everything spic and span??? It seems the minute I clean it, bam, it's dirty in 3.5 seconds.
The reason for my rant is because my friend Mary and her daughter are staying with me later this month for my friend Brandie's wedding. So I wanted to get my daughter's room ready for them and use this as an excuse to clean our bedroom.

Okay, let me explain our bedroom. Our bedroom has basically become the go-to for anything we don't know where to put or crap we mean to put somewhere else once we can get the other something else that goes with it..(pictures need frames, paintings need things on the back so I can hang them, ball gag needs a strap, etc.) Even though everything is organized and put away (stacked) - it's still a pretty cluttered ass room and not exactly the dominatrix dunge ... I mean, LOVE NEST ... we wanted it to be. So with a guest coming and staying a few days, I figured this would be a perfect opportunity to get our act together.

So my plan was to start downstairs and work my way upstairs to the bedrooms. I though downstairs would be a breeze, the kitchen and the living room are usually always somewhat clean, it would take some light sweeping, vacuuming, dusting and some organizing to make it look presentable then I could really get down to the task at hand: our bedroom. After I got done cleaning downstairs...or so I thought....I took a little break and decided to get a icy cold beverage. I opened the fridge and thought, 'hmm, the inside of the fridge is looking kind of dingy, I better clean that too.' So icy beverage forgotten, I then start wiping the inside of my fridge down. It started getting hot so I climbed up on a chair to turn on the ceiling fan. (you read right...CLIMBED UP ON A CHAIR...like a 4 year old. Sad.) And while I was up there, I realized...'man this ceiling fan is dusty.' So down I climb to get my cleaning utensils and proceed to clean the ceiling fan. While I was up there - my new, normal height view allowed me to get a good panoramic view of my floor. 'How could I have missed those crumbs over there!' and 'damn is that a spider web on the corner of the ceiling?' 'Isn't there someplace better we can put the dog's giant bag of food?' 'Crap, there's a butt load of dog food around his bowl!' (um, 3 pieces of dried dog food to be exact..but the oxygen level was thin up on that chair so things started going double).

Needless to say I didn't get to the upstairs bedrooms that day, but of course, as soon as the munchkin and the viking hubby tornado get home. They managed to put a dent into my three hours worth of cleaning in five minutes.
Viking hubby makes sandwich, crumbs left on the counter along with a knife that has been bukkaked in mayo. Fabulous!
Munchkin decides she's way grown up, gets her own Capri Sun, pokes it the wrong way and oh lookee there, strawberry banana rain drops on my clean floor. Darling!

(Side note...Dear Capri Sun, can you kill the jack ass that thought putting an angled straw hole into a SOFT pouch was a good idea for a kid's drink? I swear, if I run into that genius on the street, I'm going to give him a new straw hole.)

After running around behind viking and munchkin with a sponge, a mouthful of nag, and frustration pulsating from that vein on my head, I gave up.
Screw it. What was I even thinking trying to clean a week before the guest arrives anyways? I've postponed the flight of the bumblebee cleaning until next Tuesday - the day before they arrive - and meanwhile, to avoid getting an anxiety attack over it, I've tried to 'maintain' the level of mess downstairs to a code yellow.

Which finally leads me to my original question, ....how do other people do it? I go into their houses and everything is spic and span and smells of sweet vanilla extract all the live long day. Are they like me? Is their house usually in mid to full on shambles until a guest arrives? Can I get a maid to work for me in exchange for my awesome cooking? (Toast) I don't know, give me some cleaning tips or give me a spank on the ass and tell me you're also on the same "Facade of Cleanliness" boat as I am.

Or just give me a spank on the ass and clean my house.

6 comments:

Franki said...

that's what you get for standing on a chair missy.

Bluestreak said...

I guess clean people are just constantly cleaning and it, like, runs their life.

I´m not that way. My house is a mess.

P.S. I gave you an award on my blog. Please don´t kill me.

Lizzle said...

If only all of those voices in your head could carry their fair share of the cleaning duties too!

I bet that crazy Irish/Scottish/Jamaican/Whatever, Ann could wield a mean mop and bucket!

And Boy George clearly lives in your head too... He's excellent at taking out the trash and at dusting.

Tug said...

People shove stuff in closets, vacuum, use a swiffer for countertops & spray good smelly stuff or light candles. Not that I'd know or anything.

*ahem*

I totally agree with you on the capri sun thing - I'm about to throw some out of my fridge before the grandkids come back. It's RED. It DOESN'T come out.

ame i. said...

More people than you would guess have perfected the "Stash and Dash". Be very careful when visiting NBC's (natural born cleaners). NEVER open closets, cabinets, or drawers. It could take hours for the rescuers to save you from the avalanche.
My husband once had to help me out of my walk-in closet due to the stashorific pile in there. It was our 3rd date. He married me anyway!
While hubs and I were out of town overnight a couple of weekends ago, The Parents (mine) and my kids kicked this house's ass. Oh, the pressure I put on myself to keep it the way they left it. I don't quite manage to, but I presure myself regardless because I thrive on The Guilt.

Caroline said...

Yeah. Went back to work full time. Got a cleaning lady. The End.