The Olympics are here and for me the Olympics means WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS!!! And badminton too because it's a sport that requires you to hit a shuttlecock with all your might and that my friends is always a good thing.
But I have a love/hate relationship with gymnastics. While I root for my short freakishly muscular sistahs, most of the time I'm yelling at them through the t.v. like I'm Bela Karoly's love child because history has gone to prove that the U.S. women's gymnastics team are choke artists to the extreme.
Excluding the Magnificent 7 of course, who won gold. Thank you Kerri Strug, who may sound like she's huffin' helium - but she was a bad ass nonetheless. Never mind the one legged landing that won the U.S. the gold. I shat in my pants every time she was on the beam and did this:
Kerri would hold this DIAGONAL pose like she could stay there all day!!!! Or Kim Zmeskal, who choked at the Olympic trials and didn't make the team HOWEVER, she was a world champion who did crap like this....
If she needed to, she could pick her nose with her toe from that angle.
Kim and Kerri - 4'8 of pure muscle and grunt...you know who else is 4'8 at 32 years old????
damn, I coulda been a contender. Just sayin.....
I have no midget powerhouse to cheer for this time around. There's not one on that team that Kerri or Kim couldn't beat in a cage fight with one leg tied around their head. (flexible!)
Anyways, point being - the U.S. women choked and got silver last night and my throat is hoarse for yelling Romanian obscenities at them. Romanian because you know in Romania their gymnasts try not to choke at the Olympics of all places.....or the government takes their family and the dog. Can we do something like that here in the U.S. for the gymnasts? Maybe a little fear will beat the choke outta them. We don't have to take the whole family...maybe just the deaf grandma who farts loudly at family events...(I kid! I kid! - but seriously we all have one of those right??) We still have the individual competition but my hopes aren't high. I mean, shit, if you're going to stunt your body, replace your growing bosom with a man's chest, sound like minnie mouse, wear camel toe inducing leotards and miss your period (that might not be too bad..) the least you can do is WIN!!!!
I was a FOOL to think gymnastics could take over the excitement of intense shuttlecock swatting! (I'm still talking about badminton by the way and NOT that party in West Hollywood you went to last Saturday that you don't remember too much about but inexplicably made your butt hurt the next day...)
Or maybe we can just gather up a few underage girls and have them form the U.S. Olympic Team next year (um...CHINA! - tsk tsk tsk...they have the most disciplined group of preschooler gymnasts I ever did see...)
But you know who had an even worse day than the U.S> women's gymnastics team?
THIS GUY: (Warning: THIS IS GRAPHIC like 70s porn...only with less armpit hair.)