Monday, December 31, 2007

Keeping Resolutions is like, so last year. Totally.

At first I thought I should post something about resolutions and how to keep it, but who the hell am I trying to kid here? I'm not exactly an expert on keeping resolutions. (Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury please turn your attention over to Exhibit A: the last ten pounds I've been trying to get rid of since the munchkin was a babe.)
However, I am an expert at NOT keeping resolutions. So I'm sticking to what I know. Take notes as the master resolution breaker is about to speak.

1. Set unattainable goals.
Anything goes on rule number one. You want to find a job where you can sit at home all day and just collect the checks in the mail? Go for it! Is this the year you're going to be a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie? Reach for the stars my friend! Kick Kate Middleton's ass to a bloody pulp, marry Prince William for yourself and become a princess? But of course your highness! Anything goes because we all know it's never going to happen and at the end of each year, you can always blame your failures on the fact that you set unattainable goals. It is a win/win situation!

2. Make last minute resolutions.
Nothing guarantees a broken resolution like the ones made at 11:30 p.m. after your fifth glass of Long Island ice tea. 9 times out of 10, you won't remember them and they'll be effectively broken at the stroke of midnight when you scream out happy New Year, french kiss your own hand and pass out in one of the bathroom stalls.
If you accomplish this, you are on your way to becoming a master resolution breaker daniel son.

3. Be half ass in your commitment to change.
Commit to going on a diet on January 1st but don’t' change your grocery list. Of course you can still have that bag of Funyuns. Just eat half the bag instead of the whole thing silly. What's that? A bag of Reese's peanut butter cups are for sale for a dollar! Only a fool would pass that up! You know what? Why don’t you just start your diet next Monday? Do this throughout the year and not only will you not lose weight, but you might add on a few more if you're lucky.

4. Always have a chock full of excuses ready to fire at a moment's notice.
An easy way to break a resolution is to always have a good excuse. For example, the tried and true, " too busy to work out," excuse never fails… (even though somehow you find the time to watch all five episodes of The Hills that you have recorded on your DVR.). And really how can you keep your "be nicer" resolution when that asshole just cut you off and took your parking space? He only has himself to blame when you key his car later.

5. Talk the talk but please don't walk the walk.
A lot of talking and boasting about how this time you're going to stick to your resolutions not only gives everyone the illusion that you're doing it, but if you talk about it enough, you'll actually believe that you're actually doing something as well. (actually that's a lot of actuallys...) Being completely delusional buys you time until the next year rolls around and then you can make new resolutions to talk about. Being delusional also makes you want to eat economy sized bags of Cheetohs on a daily basis, go commando under a short skirt, shave your head and perform at the VMAs while completely high on Vicodin and Starbucks frappucinos,
but we'll talk about Britney later…

So there you have it, five surefire ways to break all your resolutions before the second week of January.

You're welcome.

But reader be warned! Read and follow the rules EXACTLY because if you accidentally do the opposite, you might (gasp) actually keep your resolutions and feel a sense of accomplishment or something at the end of 2008.

Happy New Years everyone and here's wishing 2008 to be double the awesome that 2007 was! (Or if you had a shitty 2007…get over it, at least you made it to 2008! Count your blessings, go have a drink and cheer up you ungrateful biznatch). Have fun and be safe! Especially to the poeple going out and braving the crowds tonight. Keep the party in check because you don't want to start New Year's day sitting in a drunk tank with Olga "The Fister" winking at you from the corner of the cell.


The Gilles Family said...

LOL You freakin' rock! Thanks for making failure so much FUN! :)

Happy New Year!

Madonna said...

I've often done the opposite - made meaningless, easy to follow resolutions - so that I feel good about keeping them...

For example: I will not smoke five packs a day. Hey, no problem. I've never smoked five packs on any day in my life. A pack, a pack and a half? Sure. Five? Not even close. Therefore, I fulfill my resolution... :P

Happy New Year to you too!

SHADOW said...

Oh snap!
Ha ha! This was great, and your sarcasm really drove your point home.

For me, I am sooo over resolutions.

Kristi said...

Let's fail TOGETHER!

jali said...

Love the non-committment. I'm on it!

Tug said...

DAMN. Now I wish I'd made resolutions.

Count your blessings, go have a drink and cheer up you ungrateful biznatch

yes'm. Got wine now, thankyouverymuch. ;-) Is Olga still in the cell? Do I have time??