Monday, October 29, 2007

Howler Monkeys and Clay Aiken...a Real Halloween Story.

When I turned 12, I remember my friend Jenessa telling me that I was one year away from 13 and then I would be a teenager. I bet you don't remember that Jen but I do because I was like."Oh yea thir-TEEN. No shit." - Hey! I wasn't slow, I was just bit punchy that's all....

Of course when I finally turned 13, nothing spectacular happened - well none of the good shit anyways, my boobs remained small and would remain that way until my junior year, I didn't grow a couple inches like I wanted (little did I know that the last inch was pretty much squeezed out of me in 6th grade) and I didn't have a ready-made boyfriend that looked like Donnie Wahlberg. 13 was a whole lot of notadamn thing, that much I remember.

I don't remember morphing into a howler monkey with blue eyeshadow:

oh wait, wrong picture. ...

MUCH better.

This is what Joey and I had to put up with when we stood in line for the Haunted Hay Ride. This little abomination of a child who had a mouth so incredibly huge you could've parked an entire Hummer in there and from the the looks of her, I think that mouth is bound to see a lot of Hummers....but since she was in between Hummers that night, she decided to put her giant pie hole to use by pushing her and her friend in front of the line, all the while yelling, "we'll be right there mom!"

There was no "mom" beckoning them to come to the front of the line, the little hooker was trying to cut in front of us. She came close to our group, but I think she saw that I was on to her scheme, (I'm guessing that my loud hissing and tongue wagging tipped her off) and she was easily stopped by sidestepping into the pathway she was clearing for herself and giving her a full uncensored view of my midget ass that clearly wasn't going to take any of her shit. (ha!..there's a joke there SOMEWHERE, but it's too early and I can't seem to find it.)

This was just one of the many little incidents that we observed at the teen hormone fest that was the Del Mar Scream Zone, but by far the most annoying. Other things observed that make me worry about our future was...

* talking at loud decibels at friends who are within slapping range. (so tempting) Is there something going on with the genetic pool that is causing these poor kids to be born with the hearing of a 70 year old man? Because of this, we were treated to several conversations of interesting teen hot topics (in stereo) like....

"Oh my god is that Jayel with Traylor? (apparently- no one is named Bob or Jennifer anymore, teenagers all have names that can easily be transitioned into a future career in porn.) She likes to wear Gucci but you can tell it's totally fake and I mean, like, omigod, what good is it if it doesn't fit right??? Her ass is ginormous in those jeans by the way did anyone else notice that?"

"Yeah! Yeah! And like, I'm like, no way. and she's like, yes, that's so right, I just texted him and then he texted back like LOL and I was like ROFL, and he was like, it wasn't even that funny and I was all, damn how rude and he's like BRB. Just like stop texting me then and then he was like I'm deleting you off myspace and I was like, you were never on my top friends list anyways bitch. (insert shrill little yelp here....that is apparently how teenage girls laugh these days.)

"Oh dude did you see that girl's ass? Jeesh, I'd totally break me off a piece of that."

Okay, to be fair that last quote could have easily been a 30 year old man....or just... a man of any age range really. So that one doesn't really count.

Also, it seems that fake boobs are the graduation/senior class gift of choice by today's parents. Nothing says "We love you for who you are but this will make it easier for everyone else to love you," like a pair of silicone magic.
There are little to no "jocks" anymore it seems. The entire population of teenage males either look like they got made over by Queer Eye (plucked, exfoliated and smelling like kiwi strawberry aftershave....which is kind of hot if it weren't for the camel toe they were sportin' from their tight tight little girl jeans) or some simply looked like they were part of the Halloween haunt staff with their black jeans, black shirt, dog collar and smeared eyeliner. Where did the gym smelly, broad shouldered, white t-shirt, dirty jean wearin' jock go? I miss those guys. What's a thirty (plus one) woman gotta do to get some jailbait eye candy nowadays!?! (I kid! I kid!)

To top it off, the longest line of which we suffered through howler monkeys and conversations that effectively killed our brain cells faster than smoking a gallon bag of pot (oooooh. where?), was also the stupidest and least scariest ride. The haunted hay ride took you through an "abandoned haunted military base." They weren't kidding when they said "abandoned." There were about five guys working the joint and the scare factor kind of went out the window when you saw them having a cigarette break with each other before the next group got to them. At least we got some entertainment from the our sexually frustrated, lesbian Clay Aiken (is that an oxymoron?) tour guide. There were some teenage lesbians in line who decided to sit right next to Clay Aiken and make out for half the ride. Clay Aiken was clearly perturbed that she wasn't in on this action and took out her sexual frustration on the riders who DARED turn on their cell phones.
"PEOPLE! You are suppose to turn YOUR CELL PHONES OFF!!!! If I have to tell you AGAIN that I want some kitty kat then I'm going to sit next to you the entire ride even though I really want to sit in between the two hot chicks making out in front of me. NOW TURN OFF YOUR PHONE!!!!"

The rest of the night was pretty fun though, the lines went by fast, the other two haunted houses were far scarier than the hay ride, I dragged poor Joey around and used him as a shield while I shrieked in terror...(Joey loved every minute of it)...and I got to feel like a teenager for a moment when I realized I had forgotten my I.D. and took a secret sip of an alcoholic beverage from Joey's drink, nervously looking around for security. But it was only for a moment thank goodness. Even though I really don't think I was nearly as annoying as howler monkey girl, I'm pretty sure even I would have slapped my teenage self ..if not for being annoying, for being stupid enough to buy a New Kids On The Block giant button for 2.95 a pop at Spencers!
Damn those dreamy beantown boys!!!

(I sold it on ebay for the same price though so I guess I can't complain.)


Tug said...

Have you heard the song "Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"?'s one of my new faves.

SHADOW said...

OMG what a night! I'm surprised you are still in one piece (mentally and physically).

Your cool, and I like you... but PLEASE request my permission first before you use very unflattering images of myself on your blog, mmmkay? Thanks.


jali said...

You got that teenage shit down! You crack me up, mamma! I love that you busted that chick from jumping the line.

CP said...

Good for you on the line bust up. I had some little bitch try to pull that crap on me during Halloween Horror Night. I scared the crap out of her with my ginormous big mouth screaming at her like a lunatic. I think she peed and ran away.