Thursday, October 25, 2007

Breaking News: Gay Man Finds Use For Boobies, Tonight at 11.


Okay, let's lighten things up a little on this blog...

Two weeks ago I went to one of those Haunted house/walk things with my gaymaster/main gay Joey. (You may remember Joey as my partner in crime for my Madonna concert excursions)

At first I thought it was ever so sweet of Joey to invite me along, but I soon found out that I was merely a tool in Joey's diabolical plan. You see, Joey had already sized me up a as a good candidate to take along for the haunted walk extravaganza because I fit the criteria of what minimum waged guys dressed in a two dollar costume, wielding a plastic chain saw would chase. The criteria being A. a female and B. packing enough sweater meat for the all to tempting "bounce" when running and the allure of possibly getting a nip slip.

I didn't hold it against Joey because I began to see where he was coming from as a gay man who likes to be scurred. Straight guys only go to these with their girlfriend for the same reason the employees like to chase their girlfriends, (boing boing goes the boobies!) AND the fact that they can be the big strong man with the big strong arm that their girlfriends can use to smash hide their funbags upon. A gay man who genuinely likes to be scared has no upper hand in this situation whatsoever. They're simply not equipped with the proper tools that would make a pimply faced 17 year old "thespian of the gothic variety" over exert himself in trying to scare you. Well, unless they too were gay, but it's kind of hard to spot the one actor wearing the Gucci zombie costume with the gold encrusted Lacroix meat cleaver in the dark. And there's not nearly enough of them.

Enter the fag hag, (ahem) who is a gay man's best friend, especially for situations like this.
A gay man can invite said fag hag to a haunted walk, make her wear revealing clothing (we will wear anything a gay man tells us, haven't you been watching Tim Gunn's Guide To Style??!), release her to the lions and ride in the wake of her scare. Which is exactly what Joey did and I for one didn't mind. Although I told him the midge funbags have long ago retired the "lookit at THESE bad boys low cut blouses," but they still made Joey's cut because I take such good care of my girls and he appreciates the devotion.

We actually make a great team because a long time ago, I used to go to these haunted walks with abandon. Knotts Scary Farm was a yearly Halloween tradition for me and my high school boyfriend. I loved it. However, after upgrading to my husband, all of a sudden NONE of the blood soaked, hockey mask wearing, "I really want to be a Broadway actor but I'm doing this just for the money," employees wanted to chase me anymore! Could it be because I'm hanging on to a giant, tattooed, bald headed man who doesn't like crowds and makes it perfectly clear he doesn't like to be touched? (a low growl with a bit of snarling..just in case you were wondering)
Yes.
Yes it could.

And so I stopped going to these things all together until I got my job as Joey's hag. I'm a good employee and I love the benefits. And really, everybody wins. Joey and I get our scare on while my husband is grateful and filled with joy that he will no longer be tempted to assault a minor who makes a grab at his wife.

Teamwork is a wonderful thing.

On our next episode: My haunted walk experience, why I hate being in line with teenagers and why everyone should just fall into a deep QUIET sleep between the ages of 13 and 17.

I know, I know, I sound old but why do I feel the need to kick so many of them in the face? Okay, that's it for now. Just come back next time and you'll see what I be talkin' bout.

6 comments:

Tug said...

I need a fag so I can be his hag...

Damn. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth.ever.

Lizzle said...

First things first, I will tell you the same thing that my gay husband told me. "You are NOT a fag hag. You are FAR too fabulous to be a fag hag, and your self esteem is too high to qualify for the term to be applicable. You, madam, are a FLAME DAME!"

And secondly, I look forward to hearing about how much you loathe being in line with the teens... Magnify that loathing by a thousand, and you get my general feelings when dealing with most of my mentoring kids... I only do it because they pay me, but for as much as I have to restrain myself from choking them, the pay isn't nearly good enough!

The Sports Mama said...

With my oldest son in high school, I often end up with multiple teenagers in my house or my car. I completely believe that if one of them died, all we'd have to do to beat the murder charge would be to stick each member of the jury in a room with at least several different teenagers, with at least two of them being giggling girls, with no other adults present to offer any support....

Yep. Justifiable cause. Every time.

SHADOW said...

Being a fag hag is a great job with the best benefits... even Dental. Although I can't specify what I mean by that....


*staying tuned for the teenage bitchery*

The Gilles Family said...

OK, did you hear about the guy who talked his wife into going into the hunted house in Vegas, and then when they were inside, he STRANGLED HER?!?! Since she was screaming, no one noticed really. She finally got away, and now the douchebag is in jail. Not so funny, but sorta funny. :) I'm glad you're safe from the fires. Seriously! VERY GLAD!

jali said...

I'm auditioning for a fag hag role in Dallas (hopefully) - if my favorite and lovliest gay man in the blogosphere comes down to meet us. I saw that you might try to come - yay!!!!!

Midgets are way cool!