* After our potato funk explosion that happened a couple weeks ago, we had an infestation of fruit flies. Even after we gave the kitchen a chemical bath, they were still flying around. I googled information on how to get rid of them (put out a dish of Dawn soap, put some apple cider vinegar in a jar, heat up milk and sugar and put in a shallow bowl, and many other variations of the same idea.) and nothing worked. I was beginning to think we had extra smart fruit flies. But no, they're stupid, they just really needed a pick me up because I finally got rid of them by innocently leaving a cup of coffee on the counter. They flew in, had a caffeine high and drowned. And even with all their dead fly friends gasping for their last breath, there was still a line of flies waiting to partake in my vanilla latte.
Fly one: (((gurgle)))) help, ...((((gurgle))) I think I'm drowning but damn, I feel like I can swim all day.
Fly two: Damn, that looks good.
Fly one: no! Don't do it! no....
Fly two: Just one little sip, I promise I won't fall i....oh shit....
Fly three: Damn, that looks good.
* So after being a mom for oh..roughly about four years.. I think I'm doing an okay job even though I can still say I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't try to give out a lot of "advice" on kids unless I'm asked, and even then it's only a suggestion. I think we all find our own rhythm and what works for one mom probably won't work for another. (and I only have ONE child so that's like still being on the Junior Varsity team.) That being said I DO have one piece of advice for moms that I stand by. If at all possible DO NOT play any baby sing along make animal noises, row row row your boat, Laurie Berkner type music for your kids but AT ALL!!!
I know. It is extreme and I actually like a lot of Laurie Berkner's songs, but this advice is strictly for your sanity. Trust me on this. When they get to around 3 or 4, they're going to want to hear their favorite songs over and over again. So you better be damn sure that you teach your kids to listen to what YOU LIKE. They have no say when they're that small so take your parental power and run with it. Because now, when the munchkin says she wants to hear her favorite song again, I have no problem with playing it because at the moment her song of the month is Ike and Tina Turner's "Proud Mary."
Unfortunately, when we sing, I have to be Ike.
You can't win them all folks.
* My daughter has her own playlist on my Ipod such a music snob is she.
* The viking hubby just traded in our F150 for a F350 for "practical" reasons of course.."gotta have something to pull the boat honey and our truck right now doesn't have enough tork, schmork, diddly engine V10, exhaust, creme pie, automatic, goulash, infinity..." (this is what I hear when he talks "cars"..oddly enough it is the same thing I hear when he talks "fishing"). Someone said that guys buy big trucks as a form of (ahem) compensation. In my husband's case however it is a form of representation.
ZING! High five!
*****ANTM talk Alert*******
(so if you don't watch ANTM then ...what the hell is wrong with you??? Go watch a ANTM marathon and you'll see that ANTM is the show that's the television equivalent of a Krispy Kremes, no nutritional value but deliciously tasty. )
* I can't play Fantasy ANTM correctly. You're suppose to strategically pick girls who are going to rack up the most points in each upcoming episode, but I just can't bring myself to put girls I don't like on my roster. The other week I had Ebony thinking she'd cause drama because on the first episode she was startin' shit with all the girls but nope, Therapist Tyra beat her down in the audition and she done turned Helen Keller on me all of a sudden. THEN sucked at her photo shoot making her one of the bottom two. Minus six points for me.
So screw it, I'm picking my top three and sticking to it. Although I'm still up in the air about my third one...Saliesha could easily be replaced by Ann or the Twiggy Hunter Victoria (damn what's with her hatin' on the Twiglets every panel?) or not quite plus sized, every girl sized model Sarah, she has an amazing face....we'll see.
*Dear guy who always drives in the middle of our street,
I realize that there are no painted lines on our little street and sure, that can be confusing to a "wearing sunglasses at night" douche berry like you howthefuckever last I checked we weren't in Europe either so get on the right side of the road assmunch.
Oh and that three-hair comb over you got goins on isn't hiding the fact that you're bald. You don't gotta lie man. I can see my reflection from here.
Because abs are nice on a Monday.
and so is this chick Megan Fox:
See? Eye candy for everyone!
I'm such a giver.