Messages To Myself.....

DO NOT shove a bag of potatoes in the cupboard where they are not in full view. Weeks later, when you have Cloroxed your entire house in a desperate attempt to get rid of a horrible fish smell that Kurt Cobain might have been familiar with when he was married to Courtney Love. (THAT explains the suicide!) Viking hubby will eventually find the forgotten taters and dry heave uncontrollably when he sees that they are but a shell of their former selves. (they began to liquefy!)

REMEMBER to reenact viking hubby's dry heave incident at every social gathering you attend.


DO NOT inch away slowly from individuals who like Bon Jovi.
Instead, feel pity that their momma obviously dropped them on their head when they were but a wee child.

REFRAIN from kicking the little snot nosed brat that calls your daughter "stupid ca ca head" in Preschool. Instead, be proud that your daughter's response to his horribly uncreative insults are: "And what's your point?"

(taking a moment to laugh at that memory. That lil scamp.)

DO NOT give the dog away to the pound because he scooted his shit stained arse around the kitchen trying to get a hair that HE ATE out of his poop shoot. Instead, marvel at the fact that his random skid marks on the floor looked like a side profile of Jerry Seinfeld.

REMEMBER that you are 4'8. ONE cup of coffee will do ya. Two cups of coffee gives you the urgent poops and three cups of coffee for a midget is equivalent to taking a speedball.

MAKE a couple million dollars so you can cross it off your list already. Jeesh.

FIGURE out what circuits are firing incorrectly in your head that causes you to have a secret crush on Hulk Hogan despite the receding mullet hair and fu man chu.

Um. Totally hot. But you didn't hear it from me....