Friday, September 21, 2007

Fried Bologna Sandwiches...

Before I continue with my tales of white trash and wiggly stubs, please take a gander at my sidebar (to the left, to the left...).

That my friend is FANTASY America's Next Top Model. Much like Fantasy Football but WAAAAAAYYYY more interesting. Various points can be earned if one of the models on your team cries during an episode, reads a Tyra mail, trips or stumbles on the catwalk, regards modeling as their "dream" or the biggie...if they win a challenge (6 whole points!) You can change your team around after every episode. So join into the sickness of ANTM and play along with me why dontcha???

Okay, now that I've solidified the fact that I'm literally one click away from becoming a Dungeons and Dragons nerd, on with the story.....

OH and also, I didn't mean for the last post to be a "cliffhanger" or anything exciting like that..I just didn't have time to finish the story that's all. So don't expect anything huge or shocking for the ending, like me touching the stub because that only happened in my dreams....okay, on with the story...

We last left our one legged hero right after she shocked her audience by unscrewing her fake leg and jumping into the pool. She floated around for a bit then struggled to make it back to the edge so she could climb out. I was worried that she might go under because if she did, there wasn't a crane lifeguard readily available to haul her ass out. But she eventually made it and hefted herself and her now wet stub out of the pool.
Let me take this moment and explain her stub because you're probably thinking it's this nice, clean, surgeon cut of a stub.

Um no.

I'm pretty sure that after she got shot with the 12 gauge she put some duct tape on her stub, put her other leg in the deep freeze (that's perfectly good meat for beef jerky ya'll) and used the magic of Southern Comfort to ease her pain. The reason I say this is because the stub looked like....

well, it kind of formed into a little...

You know what? Times like these require PAINT. SO looked like this:

You're welcome.

Please click on image to enlarge and fully appreciate my life like creation.

It looked like a wet deformed udder. That's the best description I can think of.

She jelly jiggled over to a nearby table, sat down and, much to my disappointment, screwed her fake leg on, putting her deformed udder and all its glory back into hiding.
None of the girls that came after her could top that. There was an abundance of Fupas, back boobies, breasts that could be thrown over ones shoulders, missing teefus, etc. but unfortunately, no one else had a surprise missing limb from a freak accident with a Wal-Mart shopping cart.


They had an intermission so the girls could dry up and it looked as if our one legged queen was going to get edged out by hacky sack hooters which was unfortunate. (The loss AND that chicks boobs...I think she stepped on one of her nipples during the catwalk.) So B and I headed back into our room before they announced the winner. We had fallen so in love with stubby by the end of the show that I don't think either of us could have emotionally handled her loss.

I'd like to think that stubby pulled an upset and won the coveted Miss White Trash crown that day and is now sitting in the comfort of her trailer, wearing her crown, eating some pork rinds and lovingly massaging her udder while watching her ex-boyfriend on Cops.

And with this thought. I am satisfied.



Lizzle said...

The paint picture really made the post so much better... but for the sake of scale could you please estimate the dimensions of the thigh region? I mean are we talking mere tree trunk thigh, probably not, but what ARE we talking? Give us an idea of the dimensions, aside from just calling her a whale with a deformed cow udder where the lower portion of her leg should've been. Thanks!

Elaine said...

Lizzle: My paint skillz only go so far and as far as her dimensions go I'm the only Asian person who can't do math so your best bet would be to print out the picture that I drew and make it the new wallpaper in your bedroom.

That's how big she was. save on computer ink..think Kelly Osborne AFTER she's eaten Rosie O'Donnell whole.

Miss-Informed said...

You have just officially made my day! You are the sole reason I get back on this "blogger" every so often. This post reminded me why it is SO frickin' worth it!
Thanks for the laugh!

Tug said...

think Kelly Osborne AFTER she's eaten Rosie O'Donnell whole

O.M.G. I don't know whether to laugh or puke.

Is Miss White Trash eating pork rinds, or the jerky she homemade?


Lizzle said...

My darling midget, Elaine,

I know that paint is limited in it's scope, and that you probably did not want to cast a look which required you to linger too much on certain areas, but here's the thing... Kelly Osbourne after having eaten Rosie O. whole, I get a certain picture. And I believe you... However, having several clients who are of this particularly large and trashy variety, I find it odd that in your paint sketch that her thighs don't touch... I know plenty of folks who are not orca-like in scale, and yet still have the thigh-area chub rub... Yet this bathing beauty doesn't... This is probably what threw me.

Elaine said...

Lizzle: Oy I forgot that you have hands on experience with land Orcas and I figured that I was doing the one legged wonder justice by making her thighs a little skinnier than it was but it was necessary to showcase her stump. Had I mushed her thighs together the essence of her stump would have been lost.

But now Lizzle, you have inspired me to draw again....stay tuned.

tinakala said...

Yuck. Yuck yuck.

Webmiztris said...

ha! I love your illustration. it really helped the story a lot as evidenced by my dry!