Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Messages To Myself.....


DO NOT shove a bag of potatoes in the cupboard where they are not in full view. Weeks later, when you have Cloroxed your entire house in a desperate attempt to get rid of a horrible fish smell that Kurt Cobain might have been familiar with when he was married to Courtney Love. (THAT explains the suicide!) Viking hubby will eventually find the forgotten taters and dry heave uncontrollably when he sees that they are but a shell of their former selves. (they began to liquefy!)

REMEMBER to reenact viking hubby's dry heave incident at every social gathering you attend.


DO NOT inch away slowly from individuals who like Bon Jovi.
Instead, feel pity that their momma obviously dropped them on their head when they were but a wee child.

REFRAIN from kicking the little snot nosed brat that calls your daughter "stupid ca ca head" in Preschool. Instead, be proud that your daughter's response to his horribly uncreative insults are: "And what's your point?"

(taking a moment to laugh at that memory. That lil scamp.)

DO NOT give the dog away to the pound because he scooted his shit stained arse around the kitchen trying to get a hair that HE ATE out of his poop shoot. Instead, marvel at the fact that his random skid marks on the floor looked like a side profile of Jerry Seinfeld.

REMEMBER that you are 4'8. ONE cup of coffee will do ya. Two cups of coffee gives you the urgent poops and three cups of coffee for a midget is equivalent to taking a speedball.

MAKE a couple million dollars so you can cross it off your list already. Jeesh.

FIGURE out what circuits are firing incorrectly in your head that causes you to have a secret crush on Hulk Hogan despite the receding mullet hair and fu man chu.

Um. Totally hot. But you didn't hear it from me....

9 comments:

Tug said...

Your daughter cracks me up - love it!

How can you NOT like Bon Jovi?? damn girl...but Hulk? um...now I'M backing away slowly...

;-)

Webmiztris said...

I used to LOVE Bon Jovi when I was in 5th grade. Now I'm trying to figure out when exactly it was that they became a country band. Because their new stuff sounds AWFULLY country to me. With emphasis on the AWFUL part.

Elaine said...

tug: I don't know..something about Bon Jovi rubs me the wrong way? Maybe its that feathered haircut he's been sporting for 10 years.
Oh and yeah, hulk hogan? That's not any better huh? I swear I was a beer guzzlin', Nascar lovin' redneck chick in my former life. That's my only explanation for that weird attraction. Or my love for polar bears. Either way. It is disturbing

webmiztris: Well at LEAST when you were in 5th grade Bon Jovi was still pretty cool..nowadays they corner the market on metrosexual soft rock.
blech. Emphasis on ECH!!

San said...

Gotta love my niece!!!! Smart ass like her mommy and auntie San!!! =0)

Lizzle said...

I used to bartend in a karaoke bar... I have nothing but hate in my heart for Bon Jovi.

The hulkster used to be our neighbor when my dad lived in Florida. He is quite odd looking in person... always VERY shiny.

Tug said...

Yo, Hulk lover - you've been 'awarded'.....

hee.

karen said...

When you make that million, clue me would ya? I been waiting forever.

We have a cat who will make a beeline for the most expensive item in our house (the oriental rug)(and how stupid is it to have a rug worth more than all your furniture laying on the FLOOR)and scoot scoot scoot all over it with a blissful look on her face...till I run at her screaming uncontrollably. I'm really a very sick person. Oy

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

4'8"? Hulk Hogan would bottom-out in you.

Madonna said...

Hulk Hogan? Wow, that's so 1984...

Then again, like I have any room to talk after my latest post.

I'd share my notes to myself with everyone, but I don't want to scare people...