Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Where Have All The Spartans Gone?

I FINALLY saw 300 since it just came out on DVD. (People with kids don't go to movies, that's why Netflix was invented.)
My friend Debi couldn't stop blubbering about it and when she got it on DVD she made sure to tote it along with her when she came by to visit. I already had a favorable view of 300 because the previews showed men in briefs and a cape with a six pack getting their fight on. DING DING!!! Sounds like an Oscar to me my friends!
When I finally saw the movie, it lived up to all my expectations except for the fact that the 300 sets of pecs and abs were seriously distracting me from the plot of the story. I had to catch myself a couple times going..."huh? wha? ...oh sorry. my mouth was open again? I left a puddle on the carpet you say? Good heavens. Apologies all around. Now what are they fighting for again?"

In a world where we are currently surrounded by "men" who get mani/pedis, facials, go to therapy, keep journals, wear eyeliner, have hands softer than mine and are VEGAN (oy. sorry Shadow), 300 was like jumping into a nice cool pool of testosterone when you've been sweating it out in the estrogen sauna.

For example, just a couple of minutes into the movie, do you know what happened to the fool messenger when he dared speak ill to the king Leonidas' wife?

First he says: "Bitch Please."

Then he kicked his ass down the hole.

I don't know what the hell is at the bottom of that hole ...maybe shards of sharp glass, Paris Hilton's dirty underwear or maybe it just takes you straight to Arizona. (ha! Debi would appreciate that dig since she lives in Satan's taint). Either way, there's chivalry, fighting, swords, grunting ...and not a Banana Republic collared shirt or khaki pants in sight! I immediately fell in love with this movie after a couple of minutes.

I obviously highly recommended you watch this movie. If not for the abs/pecs (you REALLY need another reason?) for the cool cinematography,(I loved how the whole movie looked "dreamlike")and the whole "Rocky" underdog defies the odds type of plot. (Again..I'm a fan of these movies because midgets need that kind of reassurance. Why yes laine, if RUDY can do it, then by god all 4 foot 8 inches of you can do it too!) And damn if it didn't have some great memorable quotes...a few of my favorites were:

Messenger: A thousand nations of the Persian empire descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun!
Stelios: Then we will fight in the shade.
(Oucha. That line was practically foreplay for me..)

and my FAVORITE..the reason the messenger pretty much got his ass kicked:
Messenger: Who does this woman think she is that she can speak among men?
Queen Gorgo: Because only Spartan women give birth to real men.

YEah! See? Even the Spartan women strapped on a pair.

So before you watch Sleepless In Seattle for the hundredth time, take a moment and partake in the refreshing pool of men that is 300.

EDIT: Here's the trailer to wet your appetite...


Webmiztris said...

i haven't seen this yet. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to see it at all, but I think you convinced me. :)

tinakala said...

I was supposed to go to the local opening night but I had to be somewhere else. I still haven`t seen the movie, but I think even the trailer can seriously get the mood.

Lizzle said...

How funny that we posted our glowing reviews of 300 on the same day.

As I already noted in my review, I spent the evening talking to my television like the crazy lady at the bus station... But there really were times when I felt that issuing my verbal approval was warranted. And they will likely continue to be warranted when I repeatedly watch 300 again, and then of course, there will be verbal approval while I'm having naughty dreams... Or when I eventually make Gerard Butler my own! (In which case, even the neighbors will hear my approval!)

karen said...

Oy. I like a man with gorgeous pecs and abs in a mean mask...yowzer! I'll admit to be a tad overdosed on the boys who are prettier, better groomed, wear more makeup, and carry man purses. How lovely to have someone besides Clive Owen to fall back on...ggrrrroowwwlllllll.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

i saw this movie a while back and i definitely enjoyed it that time. but at this moment of time, i have to say i enjoy your review of it more so than the movie itself!

SHADOW said...

LOL! A little shout out in a post for moi? I feel so honored! Even if you were picking fun at my diet!

But it's true. I am not attracted to those smoothie drinking self absorbed guys that look like their hair took more product and time to do then mine. I like the dirty rough necks. The ones who don't shower for a day or two so they have that manly stench and make the homeless clothing really work for then. HOT!

I totally forgot about this movie though. I knew I wanted to see it when the trailer aired but it's officially stamped with the Elaine stamp of approval so I will watch it or fear your wrath.

Riss said...

I had trouble following this movie. It was like "Okay so the guy with the hot abs is talking to the other guy with hot abs and they're pointing at another guy with hot abs and here comes 10 more. What just happened?"

Madonna said...

Where have all the Spartans gone? I think Madge destroyed them in her quest to take over the world.

After all, (Michigan) Wolverines don't think very much of (Michigan State) Spartans...