Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Neighbors Can Kiss My Lady Spots


I'm sure most of you saw the open letter to my neighbor bemoaning the fact that she basically shrieks at her children at an ungodly decibel at an ungodly hour. She must have visited my blog, because shortly after writing that post, the 'morning wake shriek' has been few and far between.

Good right?
Wrong.

Now that the shrieking is gone, I am now convinced that my new neighbors are in some kind of wierd contest to be the next Sanford And Son. By that I mean that since they've moved in, I have seen a large foldable bed, a dresser drawer, toys, chairs, blankets and pillows strewn about in their front yard. At first I thought..okay, they just moved in, maybe they're just organizing stuff.
UM no.
A month and a half later, their crap has had some offspring and it looks like it's still multiplying. For THREE DAYS they had a FULL SIZED tent pitched up in their front lawn. (on TOP of the crap already on their lawn) At this point, I had to be the bitch and informed HOA that they were infringing on "common area" laws. I'm sorry but I just cannot go next door and tell a grown ass woman and a grown ass man to pick their shit up. I am NOT their momma. I could ignore it but they're literally a NEXT DOOR..like I could stick my hand out of my window and knock on their door NEXT DOOR NEXT DOOR. So, ultimately, I had to have HOA be their momma. I figured I pay enough HOA fees that I can TELL HOA to play momma and maybe even play a little beach boys on the ukulele. The point is...fuck HOA fees. Okay, that's a totally different subject altogether.
Moving along..
So the tent went down a day or two after that, the bed disappeared, only one chair remained and a cooler. Whatever. I wasn't too bothered by that. So we went out early on Sunday to pick up my daughter from her uncle's house and when we came back we saw not only a TENT pitched up AGAIN..this time it was in the middle of the pathway that we use to GET to our condo! There was double the toys/trikes, more pillows and blankets and I'm pretty sure I saw a chicken running around. Our entire front area looked like an open market in Calcutta. But, it was a weekend, I was tired, so I decided to just look the other way and clamp my hand over the viking hubby's mouth (it was hard. I had to get a chair and everything.) since viking Hubby is not so good about keeping his constructive criticism at a low volume. He thinks subtlety and tact is the store brand version of Bartles and James. Has no idea what those words mean.

So it's been hard, trying to be patient with my neighbors and trying to be patient with HOA's slow response team all the while keeping viking hubby's muzzle on.

The next morning, I look out the window and thank god, the stupid tent was gone..but there were still toys all over the place and .....
what the?

is that a?
A...a...
A DIRTY TIRE?
IN MY FRONT LAWN?!?!?!?

If only you could have seen how fast my little legs propelled me down my stairs and out the door. I hooked that dirty tire in one arm and threw it into their window!

Okay, so honestly, that's what I PLANNED on doing inside my head.

But what really happened was that I tried to pick the tire up with one hand, realized it was heavy, used both hands, realized it was super dirty and ew...is that going to leave a stain? So I ended up rolling it over to their front lawn.
But like, in a huff and with an attitude, like "uh uh..oh no you deeunt!" type of swagger. I also stood there for a while, hands on my hips and posed like the captain on the Captain Morgan's bottle with a smug sense of satisfaction.

That was yesterday.

The tire is STILL on their front lawn.

I'm thinking about putting a Chia Head in the middle of the tire and making it the focal point of their lawn.

Because when life gives you dirty tires, turn it into landscaping I alway say.

That being said. CAN SOMEONE GIVE US A HOUSE?
Come on. Give us a house. Anyone?
Will this convince you?



I'm NOT picky but I have to let you know that the girl above would prefer a beach house. So if you have an extra one handy........

8 comments:

tinakala said...

Shit. I´d totally throw their stuff in their window. I´ve done that too. And smeared their dog crap on their door. I´m afraid it`s the only thing that works. That or moving.

coryandfarah said...

Hi Elaine. How frustrating this must be for you guys. Every time that we get into the elevator at our place and see new graffiti of some stupid-ass smiley face that one of our neighbors feels the need to write or etch into the stainless steel panels every other week, we feel the same sense of frustration, and believe me, Farah is just like you in that she has to hold tight the trap of her hubby... We thought that only we had to deal with this type of neighbor and that it had something to do with "you can't take Santa Ana out of Santa Ana" but apparently it has little to do with location. There are trashy, low-class, inconsiderate, vandalizing bastards everywhere. And what else can you do? I think that going through the HOA is the safest and best bet but it sounds like it's not going to be the fastest way to alleviate your growing problem. I just don't get how people can live this way and be so inconsiderate of others... Hang in there and good luck!

Kristi said...

OMGosh. Bring your babygirl and come live at my house. Please. She's so pwecious.

I'm in Idaho. See ya here, mkay?

Miss-Informed said...

If I was Oprah I would hook you up with a dream home but alas, I am not.
I would freak out if a neighbor was doing that crap to me. People are so inconsiderate what with their dirty tires strewn around!

Webmiztris said...

I'd be super pissed too. Can't you burn their house down or something? ;)

Lizzle said...

With a cheese-tastic grin like that, You all can move here! I'd say you could live with me, but I'm an apartment dweller, and I didn't name your family on my original lease... Damn, sorry about that!

But damn your kiddo is a cutie pie!

SHADOW said...

Remind me never, ever to get on your bad side! You would put my ass on blast!

All hail the fury of crazy Elaine!

*bows down and gives homage*

Madonna said...

I am convinced that at some point in the last 20 years, an invasion force from the planet Badneighbortron set down on Earth, with the goal of ruining the planet.

If it isn't the loud, obnoxious ones, it's the wannabe Fred Sanfords. If it's not the wannabe Fred Sanfords, it's the ones who don't care about overtaking YOUR yard or blocking your driveway or using your parking spot.

And the worst of them all: The all of the aboves.

You handled the tire with more restraint than I would've - I would've shined it up real nice, turned it around sideways and shoved it up somebody's candy ass!

I hope the day comes when we can send all these assholes back to their home planet. Until then, I hope you make life miserable for your neighbors from hell, The Sanfords, and get something done.