Friday, July 20, 2007

FLF: Like A Booger I Can't Flick Off My Finger

Yeah, FLF is still here. I never got the time this week to work on my nifty idea that I mentioned last week. So FLF is here to stay for now. I always threaten to leave FLF behind, but it gives me that pouty face and I go running back.


Let's get this pahtee stahted......

Dear Giant Dill Pickle Tara,

I obviously made a mistake and overestimated your level of intelligence. I merely patted you on the back and congratulated you when you said you were going to get your botched boobs fixed. Silly me. Clearly, I should have been holding your hand and directed you over to a decent plastic surgeon instead of leaving you to your own devices. I should have at least told you that Craigslist probably isn’t a good place to find a reputable surgeon. It’s a lot like getting a “reputable masseuse” on Craigslist but at least with those guys, you get a happy ending. It appears your surgeon ran out of saline bags and opted for produce instead. The one on the left clearly looks like a mango and the other one is a toss up between a giant grapefruit or a honey dew melon, either way, it doesn’t look like its safe for consumption anymore.
Or maybe the surgeon was trying to be make your boobs cutting edge and multifunctional by installing a GPS tracking system in there. It would’ve been an ingenious idea, except for the fact that it appears to be broken. One boob wants to go straight and the other boob clearly wants you to go to hell.

My sincerest apologies Tara. I hope you can forgive me, but even if you don’t, can you please tell that old man face on your stomach to stop mean muggin’ me. I’m getting scared.

Love, Me.

Dear Readers,

I’m NOT writing this to Britney because I’ve done it before and it doesn’t work. Plus, I’m not going to burden her with a hard task like reading, because lord knows, that poor hamster inside her head is tired of running around the rusty wheel. In fact, I’m pretty sure if you opened up her head (once you get past the Wal-Mart weave) you’d see the rusty wheel spinning slowly with a dead hamster beside it.
No, I’m not writing a letter to her. I’m writing a letter to YOU dear reader. Does ANYONE…. ANYWHERE…know how to MAKE THIS THING GO AWAY??

Someone’s gotta have an elephant gun in their closet that’s just gathering dust right? Can we just club her over the head and pretend she never existed? Her parents were smart enough to bring a spare, can we just replace her with Jamie Lynn Spears? They’re practically the same, …minus the KFed stains, the itchy scalp, the alchy bloat, the plantars warts, the Cheetoh dust stained fingers, the skid marks on her panties… get the picture, even though I know you wish you didn’t.

I'm makin' a comeback ya'll!!!


Love, Me.

Dear Person Who Ate Val Kilmer,

I don’t know who you think you are eating the IceMan, but you better pull a Nicole Ritchie and regurgitate that man this instant!!

Love, Me.

I really hope Val Kilmer is doing that for a movie role because I saw this white legged midget at the airport a couple years back. He was a tiny tiny guy...totally dashed my IceMan fantasies! Not to mention the fact that he had the NERVE to wear shorts when his legs where frozen chicken white and appeared to be from the toothpick family. Although judging from this picture, I think he fixed that problem with a few servings of fried bacon and ice cream sandwiches.



Webmiztris said...

I can't believe Tara wore a dress like that knowing that her boobies are all upfucked like they are. at least wear a dress that you can wear a bra with and hide that shit until you can get it fixed! and I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini if I had a permafrown on my midriff!

also, I nearly died when I saw that pic of Val on that sure as hell doesn't even resemble the 'jim morrison' that I used to know and think was smokin' hot!

Miss-Informed said...

***Clapping sound***
Yeah!!! Fan Letter Friday is here to stay!!! Atleast until possibly next Friday...if you get time to brainstorm. Even still this calls for a celebration!
Brittney Spears apparently did an interview in the Ok mag. I will be checking it is said to be "shocking".
Tara Reid. The girl who is famous for her orgasm once upon a time before she mutilated herself. Just goes to show how self images are totally whacked in Hollywood!
Now Val, he is comfortable in his own skin...or is that a fat suit???

Madonna said...

Everytime I see Tara Reid, she looks creepier and creepier. Good grief.

And speaking of good grief... Is that really Val Kilmer?! What on Earth happened?! Did he take all the weight that I lost? Wow...

Britney.. Ugh. UGH. The only nice thing I can say is those are some nice boots. She's also unworthy of them, meaning she should give them to me.

Tug said...

I've got nothin' I'm laughing so hard - trying not to puke. But YAY! Couldn't have said it better.

Ice said...

LOL as usual... good job!

Whats with Brit's ass, every time I've seen pics of it lately, it look worse and worse... man, must be well used.

Val Kilmer... haha, who ate him, hahahahahhaahahaha!

As for the dill pickle... how is it possible for a tummy on a girl that age to look like that?... Geezus, what do these people do to themselves to ruin their bodies so?

Good weekend you too!

tinakala said...

Gawd. Don`t wish for a replacement Spears woman, they seem to have an expiration date at 22. That was the last time Brit looked ok, I think.

karaoke queen said...

Poor poor Tara. Her partying days have obviously rendered her blind and she can't see how her boobies look in that dress.

Brit. You just make it too easy.

Val???????? Uhmmm..... You look like my 9th grade math teacher. Not a good look for you.