Oh dear sweet Paris. I can't believe they have sentenced you… the fresh face of STDs....to serve time in jail! I mean, like gross! Aren’t poor, ugly fat girls the only ones that are supposed to go to jail?!?
Try not to think about how Olga and her pals are going to shove a plunger into your crotcheteria of funk for fun. Those girls might be in jail, but they’re not stupid. Even they know not to have skin on skin contact with something that’s tinged green and has sulfer smelling steam coming out of it. It's okay though Paris, because you’ll look great in an orange jumpsuit and when you get released from jail you can record a rap album and make even more money because being an ex-con automatically gives you street cred. So ha! The joke's on them!
Oh and this video of you crying will show everyone how real and sincere you are girl! I mean…sure there’s not a tear in sight and….um…yeah, you always drive with the window down when it's hot, even though I’m pretty sure that car has air conditioning.. …maybe you just wanted fresh air…even though you’re in L.A. and the air there hasn’t been fresh since 1915…but whatever….
Please tell Olga I said hello.
Dear Father Time and/or Mother Nature,
First, I would like to say that I understand that you must do your job and by God, you do some excellent work despite the attempts of plastic surgeons around the world to thwart your efforts. You eventually make your mark regardless of how much cutting and pasting we do to our faces. A fine example would be Donatella Versace for which I have to give pause and praise you for a job well done. Excellent work! No amount of plastic surgery can counteract your power of making her look like a leather muppet.
However, I do have a bone to pick with you. It seems to me that you’re doing a little overtime on Mr. Sylvester Stallone. The poor man was already on the verge of ugly coming out of his momma’s crotch. Making your entrance into the world with foreceps smashed into your face isn’t exactly pleasant. Despite that, he was the type of guy that was so weirdly ugly that it was cute. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched Over The Top and fantasized about him arm wrestling me to the ground and how many batteries were used and discarded during the Ivan Drago/Rocky workout montage in Rocky IV.
But now it looks like my Italian Stallion has been put down by his owner and ground up to make a can of dog food. Is Mickey Rourke contagious? Why does my Sly look like a catcher’s mitt that smells of Ben Gay? Is this bad side effects from ingesting human growth hormone? (And by human growth hormone, I mean Brigitte Nielsen.)
Please leave him alone.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find my Demolition Man DVD and relive his glory days when he wasn’t sporting a gray mullet.
Shocked and appalled,
Dear Amy Winehouse,
I know of several things that can fill in that tooth gap….
A chiclet -I can buy a whole box for you in Mexico for like a dollar. Let me know.
Not being British-but that’s kind of too late now............
Stop eating meth candy.- Its not actually “candy” you know??
A Volkswagen – now if I can only find one that’s pearly yellow, we’d be in business….
Take the one tooth next to it and place it horizontally – you’ve got some big ass teeth girl, make it work to your advantage.
Use an actual horse tooth…or better yet, call Hilary Duff- that mare has more than enough teeth to loan out.
Hire this guy to be your tooth:
– seriously, he needs a job.
But no really Amy…you make me hot.
I just hope you don’t bite in the throes of passion.
Damn, I wrote these Fan Letters in like 2 minutes! Can you tell??? I'm going to Las Vegas tonight to see my college buddy Belinda. I haven't seen her in like 5 years and if you must know, Belinda is a 6 ft African American version of me. We are pure craziness when we get together. (It was my hubby's mother's day present to me. He knew how much I had been wanting to see Belinda so he's sending me off to have a weekend of fun. He's the coolest dude.)
Hopefully I won't come back sick this time and I can better document the trip and make it blog post worthy.
Have a great weekend everyone!!