Monday, May 07, 2007

An Intervention From Within

Me: Oh wow...hey, everyone's here. What's going on?
Logical Me: Hi Elaine. Have a seat.
Me: Omigod, is that selfish me?? How are you? I haven't seen you since college!
Selfish Me: It's nice to see you too girl. I'm here today because I care about you.

Me: wait. What's going on?
Logical Me: Please. Just sit down.
Me: You told me to meet you because you had a present for me for my Ipod. What the hell is all this?! I mean, I see Irish Me, Insecure Me, Irresponsible Me, Spiritual Me, Scared Me, Delusional Me, Crazy Me..and holy shit! I see Bitchy Me sitting over there in the corner! She only shows up for stuff about once a month! Can someone tell me what's going on!?!
Logical Me: Well..its about something that brought you running here today.
Me: Whaddya mean?
Logical Me: It's about your new Ipod video.
Me: (holding Ipod video close to my chest, squints eyes) ...yeah....What about it?
Logical Me: Laine, you have a problem. You're addicted to your Ipod.
Me: (laughing) what are you talking about?
Logical Me: (stands up and attempts to take Ipod from me)
Me: NO! GET AWAY! THIS IS MINE!! If you even look at my Ipod cross-eyed. I will gut you like a fish you here me!?!?!?!?!?
Logical Me: (disappointed silence)
Me: What? What? OH so NOW I'm addicted because I happen to download a few songs and shows on my Ipod? That's what you're suppose to do with this thing you know! That's what it's made for!
Irish Me: Sew cahn ya tell oos whan ya got yer Ipod?
Me: Wha? week ago.
Irish Me: Awlryght. Sew hew mooch crrap have ya doonloaded sance ya got et?
Me: Jeesus H. your accent is horrible.
Irish Me: Ahnswer the Fookin qwestion!
Bitch Me: Seriously. I don't have all day for this bullshit. (filing her nails)
Me: Well...ummm...I downloaded an episode of America's Next Top Model.
Logical Me: An episode? Let's tell the truth now. You bought the whole season did you not?
Me: So what!? I like America's Next Top Model! You all know that! Don't say you don't like that shit too! I know all of you sit there with me every Wednesday and root for Jaslene!
Bitchy Me: Speak for yourself. I'm for Natasha.
Crazy Me: I was for Jael. I still don't get why they kicked her out.
Irish Me: Becooz Jael wassa fookin arse.
Crazy Me: Oh don't get all bitter Irish. Just because Brit got kicked out last week! I knew that whiny bitch wouldn't be on the Top 3. Hate to say I told you so but I told you so.
Me: Really Bitchy? Natasha?
Logical Me: Okay. Stop. Stop. Let's focus here.....(looks at me) Go on..what else have you bought that's Ipod related?

Me: ...well umm...the only other thing I've downloaded is a few Kathy Griffin shows. That's it.
Logical Me: (looks at me like I'm crazy.)
Me:...oh and I downloaded that Elvis and Celine duet from AI.....and I have a few Absolutely Fabulous episodes. But that doesn't count! That was given to me by my gaymaster Joey and as a certified Fag Hag, I must watch at least one episode of Absolutely Fabulous once a week if not more!!
Logical Me: Okay. Fair enough. Go on.
Me: ...well besides that, I also downloaded a movie.
Logical Me: What movie?
Me: Why does it matter?!?!.....(rolls eyes) ..I downloaded, "What Women Want" alright?
Politically Correct Me: A MEL GIBSON MOVIE!!!!
Me: Oh shit, she's here?? Don't start with me okay!
Logical Me: and what have you bought FOR your Ipod?
Me: Um...a speaker dock, an armstrap..for workouts you am/fm transmitter so I can listen to it in the car, a car charger, and another charger..oh! oh! and this cute little rubber sleeve you can put your Ipod in, oh and I was also looking for like a bag that I can carry all my Ipod accessor.........(sniff).......omigod.
Logical Me: Hand me your Ipod.
Me: NO! I can quit anytime you hear me!? I can quit anytime I want to! I mean, god! How can you NOT download stuff. Songs for 1.99?!? Movies for ten bucks!?! Whole seasons of tv shows for pennies on the dollar?! I'm just having fun alright! I can quit anytime! ANYTIME!

And I can.

Really. I can.

So what if I hold my Ipod lovingly against my bosom at night. Doesn't everyone do that?


Tug said...

so THIS is why I don't have an iPod...I was wondering. It'd take DAYS to get all of my "me's" together, & I just don't have the time. ;-)

SHADOW said...

The reason why I don't have an Ipod is because I am completely Anti-Apple. I can't stand their company. They swear they are everything. They are the only company out there that if you dowload music from thier iTunes software, they code it tp MPEG4 so that you can only tranfer it to THIER products. It's such a coniving marketing ploy to force you to purchase thier players. No other company does that, once you pay for it it's yours!. I cursed them out in e-mails many times, and they give me that 'Oh sorry you are not happy but music can only be transferred to an iPod, blah blah blah'. Sorry for the rant I just HATE them.

Webmiztris said...

ha! omg, elaine, this was hilarious!

I've never bought one accessory for my ipod.

I realize I'm the minority though!

The Gilles Family said...

I cannot lie. It hurt my head to keep up with that conversation! :) ( I do not own an Ipod, if that helps.)

Kristi said...

Next intervention I'm hoping for a Cockney Elaine and Rastafarian Elaine. And tell Politically Elaine she's not wanted.


Elaine said...

tug: you gotta get one. Join in the sickness with me!

shadow: At least you wrote to them and voiced your discontent. I'm the sucker that goes..."oh okay, I'll just buy apple from now on then.. dum de dum."

webmiztris: don't even get started on buying accessories for your ipod. Because one accessory leads to another and before you know it, you're dressing your ipod up for halloween. Hmmm? How cute would that be??? Oh god. someone stop me.

the gilles: it hurt my head when the conversation was occuring. but like I told tug...please get an ipod and join me in the sickness. haha!

kristi! Yes baby! Go Jaslene! My little cha cha diva.
Cockney Elaine was hung over, and Rastafarian Elaine was high as a it goes without saying that they couldn't make it.

karaoke queen said...

*maniacal laughter* MWAHAHAHAHA. I got another one.

I am a CSI addict myself. Mmmmmm ipod.

Ice said...

You're too damned funny.


Miss-Informed said...

You are too much! Suffer from addictive personality??? Yeah, me too.

Anonymous said...

you CLAIM to be my minion, and yet you have not downloaded my entire oeuvre onto your ipod, nor have you bought all of my videos? you didn't even mention me! no wonder oprah won't give you your wish. i won't either.

p.s. that was one of your fuckin funniest posts ever, tho, so i suppose i shall forgive you in time.

Madonna said...

You talk to yourself, too?

Be afraid. Be very afraid.