Me: Oh wow...hey, everyone's here. What's going on?
Logical Me: Hi Elaine. Have a seat.
Me: Omigod, is that selfish me?? How are you? I haven't seen you since college!
Selfish Me: It's nice to see you too girl. I'm here today because I care about you.
Me: wait. What's going on?
Logical Me: Please. Just sit down.
Me: You told me to meet you because you had a present for me for my Ipod. What the hell is all this?! I mean, I see Irish Me, Insecure Me, Irresponsible Me, Spiritual Me, Scared Me, Delusional Me, Crazy Me..and holy shit! I see Bitchy Me sitting over there in the corner! She only shows up for stuff about once a month! Can someone tell me what's going on!?!
Logical Me: Well..its about something that brought you running here today.
Me: Whaddya mean?
Logical Me: It's about your new Ipod video.
Me: (holding Ipod video close to my chest, squints eyes) ...yeah....What about it?
Logical Me: Laine, you have a problem. You're addicted to your Ipod.
Me: (laughing) what are you talking about?
Logical Me: (stands up and attempts to take Ipod from me)
Me: NO! GET AWAY! THIS IS MINE!! If you even look at my Ipod cross-eyed. I will gut you like a fish you here me!?!?!?!?!?
Logical Me: (disappointed silence)
Me: What? What? OH so NOW I'm addicted because I happen to download a few songs and shows on my Ipod? That's what you're suppose to do with this thing you know! That's what it's made for!
Irish Me: Sew cahn ya tell oos whan ya got yer Ipod?
Me: Wha?...well...um....a week ago.
Irish Me: Awlryght. Sew hew mooch crrap have ya doonloaded sance ya got et?
Me: Jeesus H. your accent is horrible.
Irish Me: Ahnswer the Fookin qwestion!
Bitch Me: Seriously. I don't have all day for this bullshit. (filing her nails)
Me: Well...ummm...I downloaded an episode of America's Next Top Model.
Logical Me: An episode? Let's tell the truth now. You bought the whole season did you not?
Me: So what!? I like America's Next Top Model! You all know that! Don't say you don't like that shit too! I know all of you sit there with me every Wednesday and root for Jaslene!
Bitchy Me: Speak for yourself. I'm for Natasha.
Crazy Me: I was for Jael. I still don't get why they kicked her out.
Irish Me: Becooz Jael wassa fookin arse.
Crazy Me: Oh don't get all bitter Irish. Just because Brit got kicked out last week! I knew that whiny bitch wouldn't be on the Top 3. Hate to say I told you so but I told you so.
Me: Really Bitchy? Natasha?
Logical Me: Okay. Stop. Stop. Let's focus here.....(looks at me) Go on..what else have you bought that's Ipod related?
Me: ...well umm...the only other thing I've downloaded is a few Kathy Griffin shows. That's it.
Logical Me: (looks at me like I'm crazy.)
Me:...oh and I downloaded that Elvis and Celine duet from AI.....and I have a few Absolutely Fabulous episodes. But that doesn't count! That was given to me by my gaymaster Joey and as a certified Fag Hag, I must watch at least one episode of Absolutely Fabulous once a week if not more!!
Logical Me: Okay. Fair enough. Go on.
Me: ...well ..um besides that, I also downloaded a movie.
Logical Me: What movie?
Me: Why does it matter?!?!.....(rolls eyes) ..I downloaded, "What Women Want" alright?
Politically Correct Me: A MEL GIBSON MOVIE!!!!
Me: Oh shit, she's here?? Don't start with me okay!
Logical Me: and what have you bought FOR your Ipod?
Me: Um...a speaker dock, an armstrap..for workouts you know...an am/fm transmitter so I can listen to it in the car, a car charger, and another charger..oh! oh! and this cute little rubber sleeve you can put your Ipod in, oh and I was also looking for like a bag that I can carry all my Ipod accessor.........(sniff).......omigod.
Logical Me: Hand me your Ipod.
Me: NO! I can quit anytime you hear me!? I can quit anytime I want to! I mean, god! How can you NOT download stuff. Songs for 1.99?!? Movies for ten bucks!?! Whole seasons of tv shows for pennies on the dollar?! I'm just having fun alright! I can quit anytime! ANYTIME!
And I can.
Really. I can.
So what if I hold my Ipod lovingly against my bosom at night. Doesn't everyone do that?