Slow gossip week. Right now, the celebrities are about as interesting as Q-tips.....well, at least Q-tips are useful.
So it's time to get a dose of my own medicine.
No. I'm not smiling for the stupid pictures until you take out my earrings. People are going to think I'm a girl or something. Sheesh. (I figured I had to look as "hard" as I could to balance out the girly earrings).
Dear 7 year old laine,
Why are you smiling?? oh you just farted in the pool. How NOT surprising. (I was excited to be floating in the rubber tube instead of getting DUNKED UNDERWATER by my dad, in an attempt to teach me how to hold my breath underwater. Way to traumatize a girl Pops.)
Dear 8 year old Laine,
You're already evil. (Note the smirk and the ironic "teen angel" print that's on my shirt.....it was my attempt to throw you off guard. >:D
Oh and nice crooked ass bangs...MOM. I mean, damn. Get a ruler or something and cut that shit straight!
Dear 9 year old Laine,
You're getting GOOD at the "I'm so innocent" bit by fitting into the unsuspecting midwest town with your blousy little house on the prairie shirt. But you're still evil...
and you're bangs?
Dear Ryan from my 1st grade class in Kansas,
The new flipper chick (whom everyone in class thought was Chinese because..what the heck is a Filipino anywhow??!?!) has a crush on you. What made you my official first crush? You were the biggest kid in class and the shortie realized that she loves her some cornfed huskies like you. OH and props to my mom for trying to incorporate me into the class picture....(started the year too late, so my mom did a very effective cut and paste of my mug. Pre-Photoshop. Genius.)
Dear Thomas from my 2nd grade class in California (note the diversity),
The shortest flipper chick has a crush on you because...well..you're a tall motherfucking German guy. What were you like 6ft tall in 2nd grade?? That's hot. Oh and nice BANGS JUDY! Did you get a haircut from my mom's salon??? (my best friend, top row, first girl on the left that looks like a shetland pony in a red dress. HOT. Oh and check me out, bottom row to the right, in my kicking blue track suit and light blue velvet unicorn shirt. I was so fashion forward).
Dear Judy: Nice Shorts.
Dear Laine: You're bunny ears aren't quite making it there girl.
Dear Judy and Laine: NICE BANGS. No seriously. What was wrong with our moms???
Dear Judy and Laine,
I just don't even know what to say.....
(we were "punks" for halloween IE: we threw the costume together in two seconds with old clothes and scissors for me..and Judy's brother is the gay cowboy we were "mugging" in the picture.) Do we know how to take a picture or do we KNOW how to take a picture????
Dear 12 year old Laine,
Michael J. Fox rules. Your California Raisins shirt rules too. This was the time I had to share a bedroom with my parents..see their bed about 2 inches from mine?? Yeah. Lets just say I still need therapy on the nights I woke up to ...um....noises.
ACK ACK ACK..!!!!! please someone wash my brain out with Clorox........!!!!!
Dear 13 year old Judy and Laine,
Whoo. You put together a New Kids On The Block puzzle...never mind that the pieces were the size of my hand so it took you guys like 10 seconds to put together (...okay..maybe 30 seconds...ok, ok, we were really dense and it took us like an HOUR.) Oh and way to go on getting raped AGAIN by the Spencer's store at the mall. (I think that puzzle cost like 40 bucks! Buttons..the small kind...were 3 bucks each. And we bought that shit like it was going out of style. May Spencer's store go to hell for taking advantage of our raging hormones.)
Oh and nice puffy paint on my shorts. NKOTB Rulez.
Stay tuned for: Personal Fan Letter Saturday Part Two: The High School years....
Have a great weekend everyone!!!