Friday, March 09, 2007

Old wee wee, no wee wee and yummy wee wee Fridays!

Dear Selma,

You are usually on my list of “no fan letters needed” because you’re my girl. You tapped Ed Norton AND Matthew McConaughey’s ass and you even made me question my sexuality in Dusk Til’ Dawn when you were a vampire stripper.
Simply put, I love you.
That being said…..what the hell girl??!?!?! First, how is it that I was not informed of your new “boy”friend? I thought we were friends bitch. Here I was, hand in the air, ready to high five you on your next conquest (Gyllenhall? Clooney? Penelope Cruz?) and then I find out you’re dating a piece of old shoe leather who also happened to KNOCK YOU UP. OH sure, he’s not that old, I mean he’s only 44 (hundred) right? Then how come I have a feeling that you’ll soon be doing double duty in the diaper changing department? (Pampers and Depends. Costco girl. Stock up.) Please tell me you froze some Matthew spermies and used a turkey baster, because I simply cannot imagine Francois Pepe La Papy having any kind of baby batter that is not swimming around slowly in circles complaining about their hip.

Wait? What? He’s the richest man in France you say?? CEO of French Gucci?


Forget what I said Selma my dear. Pass the pain au chocolat' on the left hand side and HIGH FIVE!!!!!

Love, Me.

Dear Brain,

I’ll try my best to explain what it is you’re seeing right now. THAT is Michael Jackson posing with a fan in Tokyo. Yes, he has fans and supposedly these fans paid $150 to $3500 dollars to gawk at a botched science experiment. I suspect that the people in Tokyo must be drinking some cyanide laced sake. And no, that’s not his elbow; that’s his chin. The thing that LOOKS like his chin?? That's his nose. See how that works? Is his face making more sense to you now? Yeah. Me neither.
Also, keep in mind, that I’m using the terms “him” and “he” very loosely because I’m not really sure if he even has indoor, outdoor or any kind of plumbing. Personally, I think that MJ’s shop has been closed for quite some time now and I’m almost positive he got the Ken doll surgery down there (devoid of any genitalia, flat with an "underwear shape" molded around his ass.)
The weird gets bumped up a notch when you realize that the white WOMAN impersonator has to paint herself white to look like a black man.
Anyways dear Brain, I apologize for exposing you to this horrendous sight. I’ll go find a picture of Star Jones' lovely lady lumps and slowly ease ourselves back to looking at normal people. (much like scuba diving, you must decompress from the deep depths of fugly that is Michael Jackson. You simply can’t go from looking at Michael to looking at Brad Pitt, it’ll give you the bends.)

Love, Me

Dear Mark,

Yes, yes, a thousand times Yes! I will see your new movie …um........…”Undie bulge”? no?...“Meat buffet?”.."Bicep Parade?"..... oh I mean, The Shooter! Right! Yes! I will most definitely go out and see that movie. I'm sure that I will be completely engrossed in the complex storyline biceps, the suspense abs, the intrique forearms and the drama biceps…again.. Your acting skills tight ass is something that I have admired for years with the help of a battery operated device.
..didn’t heed my
own advice……
..can’t go from Michael….
…to Marky, too fast…
Quick, another picture of Michael! Hurry!

Aaaah. Much better! Phew.

I think FLF has run its course don’t you? It’s getting harder and harder for me to talk shit nowadays. Maybe next time I’ll have “guest” Fan Letter Fridays. (IE: YOU write a fan Letter Friday for me …and I’ll sit on my ass and watch you do it!) That sounds like a plan! So hey, if you have a Fan Letter Friday you want to write.. and I know it has been brewin up inside of you… email a girl who’s running low on the clever juice. – (shortee_ec at yahoo dot com)



Tug said...

So THAT'S Salma's old man? (literally) (and this is GRANDMA saying that) Oh yeah...he's uber-rich. ok. But isn't she, too? ewwwww. She must like sex in the dark with her eyes closed. And a black sleep mask on.

And Michael? Just ick. Going to clean my eyes with bleach now. SHIT. He stole it for his face.

Dark Damian said...

I know one thing.

I know if I come back here next Friday and there's not a piping hot FLF waiting for me, there's gonna be a freezing cold diatribe waiting for YOU on the following Wednesday.

I know that's right.

Kristi said...

The French guy has sort of a older Kevin Spacey thing going could do much worse when looking for a sugar daddy.


There's always a celebrity worth mocking. Always.

karaoke queen said...

Go Salma. He's old, but he's Gucci. Mmmmmm Gucci.

And Michael looks plastic. With all the surgery and white paint, I can't be sure he's a realy person anymore. Maybe he just sends a Michael robot out for these events???

phishez_rule said...

Uhhh. I'm sure that was an interesting post. I can't remember what it was about. And I think my keyboard is all clogged up from drool.

Mmm. Mark. I'd lick that!

J. said...

Run it's course???
Are you INSANE????
Insaine 'Laine. That's what I'm gonna call you from now on.

You MUST not, CANNOT stop.
I said so.
You have a week to think up some shit.

Oh yeah ... love ya. blahblahblah.

Miss-Informed said...

The fact that the white woman has painted her fact to match his is a sad sad day. He is a walking freak. I use to just love his dark skin, greasy afro and wide nose. I truly had a crush on him when I was little. I got the Bad album and a Michael Jackson doll for christmas. My how the times have changed!

Webmiztris said...

look how Selma's posing with her man. it looks like she doesn't even want to touch him! and he looks old enough to be her dad. just yuck.

Elaine said...

tug: Yeah, dark room, eyes closed, black sleep mask AND a paper bag. I really wonder why she's hittin' that? He's not ugly but sheesh, with her track record, he IS ugly.

dd: Dark Damian speaketh and it shall be done. (see how I totally kiss your ass? It cuz you like bacon and tang. I think that's hot.)

Kristi: of all people missy you should be doing a guest fan letter friday for me! :P

Karaoke: I think a Michael robot would look too normal compared to the real thing. You can't duplicate that kind of wierd/fugly combo MJs got going on.

Phishez: OKAAAAAAY. (head roll) That's what I'm sayin. Yeah, get in the line for licking. I got first dibs! hehe!

J: okay it has a few more courses to run apparently! So where's your guest FLF letter? Hmmm? I expect it on my desk thursday morning missy.

Miss Informed: Girl I bought those horrific Michael Jackson LA gear shoes back in the day. It was black with silver studs all over it. I thought I was so cool. I did a breakdancing routine to MJ when I was like 7. Its so wierd how he's not even the same "person".

webmiztris: Selma looks "thrilled" to be with him. I just don't understand...from Ed Norton, and Matthew McConaughey to Pe Pe Le Pew.

Riss said...

Whoa, that's who Salma is with?

Trying not to be shallow but he must have a great personality. Like the best personality in the entire world. Like take the greatest personality you've ever seen, multiply it by a trillion, then cube it.

Salma in Dogma made me question my heterosexuality. I gotta be honest, I'm straight but I'd nail her pretty hard.

jali said...

I will not accept an imitation FLF - NO ONE can do this the way you do. (oooh that sounded sexy)

Don't make me walk a protest line with a little 'net sized picket sign complaining about the lack of good fan letters.

I'm not playing.