You are usually on my list of “no fan letters needed” because you’re my girl. You tapped Ed Norton AND Matthew McConaughey’s ass and you even made me question my sexuality in Dusk Til’ Dawn when you were a vampire stripper.
Simply put, I love you.
That being said…..what the hell girl??!?!?! First, how is it that I was not informed of your new “boy”friend? I thought we were friends bitch. Here I was, hand in the air, ready to high five you on your next conquest (Gyllenhall? Clooney? Penelope Cruz?) and then I find out you’re dating a piece of old shoe leather who also happened to KNOCK YOU UP. OH sure, he’s not that old, I mean he’s only 44 (hundred) right? Then how come I have a feeling that you’ll soon be doing double duty in the diaper changing department? (Pampers and Depends. Costco girl. Stock up.) Please tell me you froze some Matthew spermies and used a turkey baster, because I simply cannot imagine Francois Pepe La Papy having any kind of baby batter that is not swimming around slowly in circles complaining about their hip.
Wait? What? He’s the richest man in France you say?? CEO of French Gucci?
VIVA LA FRAWNCE!
Forget what I said Selma my dear. Pass the pain au chocolat' on the left hand side and HIGH FIVE!!!!!
I’ll try my best to explain what it is you’re seeing right now. THAT is Michael Jackson posing with a fan in Tokyo. Yes, he has fans and supposedly these fans paid $150 to $3500 dollars to gawk at a botched science experiment. I suspect that the people in Tokyo must be drinking some cyanide laced sake. And no, that’s not his elbow; that’s his chin. The thing that LOOKS like his chin?? That's his nose. See how that works? Is his face making more sense to you now? Yeah. Me neither.
Also, keep in mind, that I’m using the terms “him” and “he” very loosely because I’m not really sure if he even has indoor, outdoor or any kind of plumbing. Personally, I think that MJ’s shop has been closed for quite some time now and I’m almost positive he got the Ken doll surgery down there (devoid of any genitalia, flat with an "underwear shape" molded around his ass.)
The weird gets bumped up a notch when you realize that the white WOMAN impersonator has to paint herself white to look like a black man.
Anyways dear Brain, I apologize for exposing you to this horrendous sight. I’ll go find a picture of Star Jones' lovely lady lumps and slowly ease ourselves back to looking at normal people. (much like scuba diving, you must decompress from the deep depths of fugly that is Michael Jackson. You simply can’t go from looking at Michael to looking at Brad Pitt, it’ll give you the bends.)
Yes, yes, a thousand times Yes! I will see your new movie …um........…”Undie bulge”? no?...“Meat buffet?”.."Bicep Parade?"..... oh I mean, The Shooter! Right! Yes! I will most definitely go out and see that movie. I'm sure that I will be completely engrossed in the complex storyline
..didn’t heed my
..can’t go from Michael….
…to Marky, too fast…
Quick, another picture of Michael! Hurry!
Aaaah. Much better! Phew.
I think FLF has run its course don’t you? It’s getting harder and harder for me to talk shit nowadays. Maybe next time I’ll have “guest” Fan Letter Fridays. (IE: YOU write a fan Letter Friday for me …and I’ll sit on my ass and watch you do it!) That sounds like a plan! So hey, if you have a Fan Letter Friday you want to write.. and I know it has been brewin up inside of you… email a girl who’s running low on the clever juice. – (shortee_ec at yahoo dot com)
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!