Friday, March 16, 2007

FLF Tough Love. The Late Dinner Edition.

What? Did you think FLF was gone? Were you scurred??? Ayyyy, Pobrecita!
Well get that thumb outta your mouth and dry your tears dears, cuz you KNOW FLF is here. (bebox break)

Word.

Dear Pink,

First, let’s just get one thing straight. I love you. You know I do and I don’t care how much you’re starting to look like Spicoli.
I.
Love.
You.
However, I must admit, I’m a little frightened that your v-curb man abs ends with a mushroom cap tip if ya know what I'm sayin...You have a great body and thank you sweet baby Jesus that you didn’t get water balloon boobies on layaway like the rest of southern California, but maybe we need to ease up on the 500 crunches a day and possibly get a pair of sweatpants that don’t look like their hanging on to your boxer briefs for their dear life. (deep breath. Exhale. Whoo. run ons do tucker me so..)
Remember, I love you. Don’t beat me up or stick the tip in okay? I’m just saying this for your own good. If your husband likes to get a home style “colon cleansing” from his wife in the bedroom, that’s between you and him. But you do know that you can buy helpful tools for that activity at the store- don’t feel pressured to grow one out yourself girl. The ones at the store come in various shapes and sizes that I’m sure the hubby would love and they’re not nearly as hard to put away (or clean) as a real one. Ask Fergie. That bitch does not go anywhere without her double sided tape.

either way, elephant trunk or no elephant trunk, I'd still let you smack me around a bit. ;D

Love,
me.



Dear Peter,

First things first, the next time you use up all my eyeliner I’m going to have to smack a ho. You can buy that shit at Target you know, it should be in the same general area where you get your facial masks and tweezers.
But never mind that…what I really want to know is, do your teabags actually have to shrivel up and fall off for you to get the urge to make your eyes look like two piss holes in snow? or do you just have to have small jingle jangles to appreciate ladies makeup? Its admirable if you’re “secure” in your “manhood” and don’t mind looking like Tammy Faye Baker after running a marathon …in the summer ….wearing a polyester jogging suit. In fact, you know what? I take it back. You go ahead and be rock and roll with that eye make up. What the hell do I know? Take it up a notch and don some crotchless, edible panties, a hair weave and tie a silk hankie around your neck ala Mr. Furley. I promise you that you will be the Rambo of rock n roll and maybe you’ll be so overwhelmingly manly that no one will notice that Pink stole your sausage roll.

Rock on Sally.

Love,

Me.


Dear Bobby Trendy,

You look like a fat man’s fart stain after he’s eaten a pound of lemon starbursts. Nothing says, “Big Bird took a fat dump on my shoulder” like gold silk scarves from Wal-Mart. Recently you told Tyra what it was like have a vajajay and no boobs.
(sidenote: Tyra, really? Bobby Trendy as a guest? Was the Carrot top not available??)
Please stop lying about having a tuna Bobby. By the looks of your Claire’s Accessories jewelry, I KNOW you can't afford to have your peen detached and last I checked, an oral and some glittered covered food stamps do not count as a form of payment at the surgeon’s office. So just be honest, your mud diver shrank from sheer and utter embarrassment. Don’t be ashamed to admit it.

Oh by the way..
Are you gay?
Just curious because the glare of your Bonnie Bell lipgloss is obstructing my view.

Love, me.



That's it. That's all. After some recent death threats from three wonderful readers .
(me? Exaggerate? No.) I guess Fan Letter Friday is here to stay. Are you happy DD? Do I still have to send you a case of Tang?

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!! :P

8 comments:

Tug said...

OH mygawd. I thought about attempting the FLF, but knew there was NO WAY IN HELL I could do it justice. What an awesome way to finish off the week - thanks yet again for cracking me UP.

Webmiztris said...

I usually like eyeliner on a guy but when a guy has mastered the smoky eye better I have, forget it!

Miss-Informed said...

"You look like a fat man's fart stain after he's eaten a pound of lemon starbursts..." You crack me up. Do you go around saying these funny things out loud? If so, we MUST hang out. You are one funny biatch.

SHADOW said...

Big up to the Dlisted reference! Lol, Dlister's for life! Hey, you know I'd hit it!

PS: Accept my request or die! Hee hee, I'm BLKMN INC, that's harrasing you again on myspace.

PPS: In refrence to the comment you posted on my blog; with that situation you have a few options, like instilling the fear of cooties, or locking her up a dragon guarded tower when she turns 12.

jali said...

You are the master of the FLF - it keeps getting better and better.

Kristi said...

OH MY BLOG! I have been ranting about Pink's abs for 4-evah! I'm soooo glad I'm not the only one freaked out by her boy hips and inexplicable Brad-Pittish tummy region.

Dark Damian said...

"You look like a fat man’s fart stain after he’s eaten a pound of lemon starbursts."

Poetry, Elaine. Pure poetry.

CP said...

Never, ever am I to be without FLF again...is that understood, young lady?

CP.