Saturday, March 31, 2007

Fan Letter Saturdays! Fun With Plastic Surgery...

The first ever Fan Letter Saturday!!!
It's history in the making I tell ya.

Dear Jenna Jameson,

A vaginoplasty? Really? So what kind of “surgery tools” did they use to tighten up your meat curtains? A rotating saw and a power sander? Did the Doctor have to drive a truck in there and swing from a rope to stitch you up? I guess the good news is that they can use all that extra Jenna spam to make a couch with a matching trench coat..if you don’t mind the bait tank smell that is. I think that after getting plowed by 12 inchers for more than half your life, you should probably just get used to wrapping them around your leg or letting em’ swing in the wind.
Own it Jenna.
Own those mud flaps.
Lord knows you worked hard (on your back) for them. I can only imagine that tightening you up would be as impossible a feat as trying to close up the gap in the Grand Canyon with some barbeque tongs and duct tape.

And tell your boyfriend Tito to quit using your face as his punching bag. Damn girl. I guess this goes to show that testies yogurt is full of protein but has no moisturizing affect whatsoever. Take note ladies.

Love, Me.

Dear Courtney,

My eyes have not burned this much since I caught a glimpse of Star Jones’ lovely lady lumps. (And by lovely lady lumps, I mean those wrinkled jerky bags she calls boobs that stop right above her penis. Mmmm. Yummy.) From the looks of things, you did not heed my warnings about Tijuana plastic surgery doctors. When you have to have lipo in the back of Adelberto’s burrito shop and they give you three shots of tequila as an anesthetic, I’m guessing they’re not exactly certified doctors. Did you specifically ask to have a 60 year old lady’s stomach or did they just throw that in with your free chips and salsa as a thank you? On a positive note, you can probably hide your crack pipes in the folds and nobody would be the wiser. (See? The glass is ALWAYS half full on my watch..)
If Kurt hadn’t already blasted his brains out he would have most certainly be scrambling around for a .32 Magnum to off himself had he seen this mess.
Let’s do my eyeballs and my gag reflex a favor and invest in a one piece shall we?

Love, Me.

Dear Posh,

I don’t know if you know this, but your nipple PROBABLY shouldn’t be high enough to give you Eskimo kisses. And if you can tuck your other nipple into your armpit, well then we’ve got problems now don’t we? Just because you share the pipe with Courtney Love does not mean you should trust her with doctor referrals. And on a side note, you’re in Los Angeles now girlfriend, there’s no need to go to get the orange Kool Aid spray tan anymore. Seriously, you’re turning into citrus fruit. One more spray and you’ll turn into a Circus Peanut. Stop it. Oh and just in case you didn’t know, fruit and circus peanuts are something FOOD things. Stuff YOU CAN EAT.
As in something you put in your mouth….
to chew....
and nourish thyself so that your ribs don’t cast a shadow on the sidewalk.

Imagine that.

Anyways, back to the subject.
You’ve got freaky lady udders.
That is all.

Love, Me.

And the moral of this blog post?
Drugs? Bad.
Plastic Surgery in Tijuana? Not a great idea.
Being famous with an IQ that's the same number as your pants size? DEADLY.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! Thank you kindly for your patience.

EDIT: I'm sure you are all on the verge of puking just a little bit in your mouth with all this nipping of vajayjays and mangled stomach here's the little nudge to put you over the edge.
(up close and personal with Courtney's stomach...see how generous I am? Always giving people. ALWAYS giving.)


Tug said...

MUD FLAPS - ROFLMAO. Seriously. Thanks for the laughs, I needed them today. And this post was good for my diet, too, since I'm sick to my stomach after looking at these pics. All good.

phishez_rule said...

Is she a sucker for pain? Getting rogered enough to stretch her that much, then getting surgery on it, and we all know she'll go right back to getting it stretched out!

Somebody needs to shoot Courtney's stylist. Seriously. For violations against mankind. Who the fuck would tell her she looks good in that? Her mirror must lie. I want that mirror.

Hehe. Posh looks like a bobble head.

Kristi said...

Look at you...thematic and all. These poor ladies make me sad. And make me want to gouge out my eyes.

Amber said...

PLEASE tell me you faxed this one out to the people who matter. The people who could eventually pay for Maddies college education

jali said...

Sooooo yucky. This post has made me much happier with my fat ass! Courtneys bod looks like the old lady's in Something About Mary.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

OMG, Courtney!!

Its sad when even junkies care more about body image than they do about getting high.

what has the world come to?

Miss-Informed said...

Jenna Jameson is one dirty girl who is morphing into one tore up lady...She has passed the "hard" stage and is checked into old, used, greasy hagsville. She has REALLY tooken a turn for the worst. Courtney needs to cover up or stitch it up!!!! T.M.I.!!!

Madonna said...

If that is indeed what Jenna looks like now, talk about putting the whore into horrible. Yikes! She almost makes Fred Krueger look appealing.

And Courtney? Another punk band put out an album once that perfectly describes your new look: That would be "Plastic Surgery Disasters" by the Dead Kennedys.

Excuse me. I need to go rinse my eyes out with bleach now.