Hi Howie...

So guess what I'm going to do this Saturday???



I'm going to audition to be a contestant for Deal or No Deal!!

They're having a casting call here in San Diego and I thought it would be fun to give it a shot. I have never auditioned for a game show so I don't really know what to expect or what kind of people will show up.
Back in the day, I could always expect two or three usual suspects during an audition...the "serious" actor wearing all black, doing breathing exercises and yoga in the corner, the delusional actor who claims to rub elbows with every famous celebrity under the sun who'll recite his impressive resume to whomever will listen and the starry eyed, midwesterner actor (usually actress), hoping that the diahrrea commerical will be her big break, when deep down you know she'll be stripping next week.

I'm sure a game show audition will be different, I get the feeling that I'll see a whole new breed of auditoners at a game show casting call. I predict that a few normal, everyday people like myself will show up of course. (I just heard some of you snicker at the notion that I fall under the "normal"category. I know who you are. I see you. I'll be in your bushes tonight. Be afraid.)
I also predict those annoying, crack/caffeine induced hyper people who go to gameshow auditions all the time (think Price Is Right) will be present and accounted for. They'll be dressed in loud, mismatched clothing and clutching their noisemaker of choice ...a cowbell..a kazoo...etc. If I am located anywhere near a person like this, you can be sure that the headline for San Diego morning news will probably be:
"Midget Bludgeons Contestant Hopeful with Plastic Kazoo.
Witness: "She just kept yelling 'the Power of Tom Cruise copels you!' while she beat him...it was so wierd."

Not that I'm going to be sitting there like a lump on a log. I will most definately be turning up "'Laine Dog and Pony Show" during casting. The goal is to be a middle-America friendly Ethnic, Which can be one of two things...you can be seriously Fresh Off The Boat Ethnic....complete with a heavy "I'm still learning Engrish" accent because its endearing (like watching a puppy trying to drink from the toilet and falling in type of endearing), throw in a kimono and they're for SURE going to pick you....OR you can be an Americanized Ethnic (of ethnic background but speaks like a newscaster....or simply put: whitewashed). Thankfully, I've embraced my white-washyness way back in high school....and really, marrying a white man and eating meat that was killed and prepared by said white man..well, there's really no turning back from bananaville now is there?
Middle America does not relate to metrosexuals with highlighted tips, goth/emo douchebags, homeboys with a teardrop tattoo under their eye, any asian with an anime spiky hairstyle, buddhist monks, Bobby Trendy gays (they love ambigously gay guys though), lesbians with sideburns, or Neo Nazi white supremacists...and that's just naming a few.

Why do casting agents cater to Middle America you ask? Because its freezing ass cold there half the time and unless you want to frolick in cow pies, cornfields and eat Sonic all day, there is not a DAYAM thing to do most of the time except to watch television. (I lived in Missouri for a couple months...believe me..I KNOW. Gravy, Sonic and cowpies as far as the eye can see. )

Wow..did I digress from the point of this post or what??

So to sum up, I'll be playing my "I'm a kooky Filipino version of Gidget with a heart of gold" card this Saturday so that I may play for money and rub Howie's bald ass head. Wish me luck!