Friday, February 23, 2007

Tranny Letter Fridays, with Special Guest: Bit Bit The Chihuahua.

Dear Serena,

Whatever “supplements” you’re injecting into your tranny ass, taking is making you look a lot like Patrick Ewing. Patrick Ewing is disturbing enough to look at as it is and I really don’t need to see him squeezed into a tight dress with a pair of man-cleave peeking out to say hello. And while I do appreciate that you shaved your chest hair and mustache (kind of), you should have headed further north to your eyebrows that appear to know no bounds. Much like that sad ass weave that you got from the Kentucky Derby collection, your eyebrows are scaring the shit out of me. Did you draw those in with a Sharpie? Did Oprah wipe her ass on your face and leave skid marks? (Gayle’s gonna be pissed.) Are you and Peter Gallagher having an eyebrow growing contest? I’m so confused.
Anyways, the point I’m really trying to make is that ‘roiding up is nothing but bad news Serena. You’re going to end up having a manlier chin than Rumor Willis, your balls will shrink and you won’t be able to get it up anymore.
Don’t say I didn't warn you.

Love, Me.

P.S. don’t beat me up.


Dear David,

Why can’t other celebrities follow your lead and be a happy addict??? Truly you are a man who enjoys his Jack and Coke..(not the fizzfizz kind, but the sniffsniff kind). I don’t know what kind of statement you’re making by dressing up like Betty White on her way to a PTA Christmas party, what I do know is that Tom Cruise has gotten wind of your new look and knows that this is a cry for gay sex help. He’s beaming himself over to your house to recruit you for Scientology. Don’t worry. Tom told me that the recruitment process is really simple and only requires you to sign some paperwork, answer a few questions, receive an anal probe topped off with a Xenu teabag massage and a happy ending, to rid you of any evil alien entities that live within you. He’ll probably have to do it a couple times…those evil alien entities are stubborn bastards. But seriously, it’s no big deal.

Love, Me.


(And now a letter from OUR mailbag……)

Dear Elaine,

This letter is a desperate plea for your help.
I’m really scared. I’m lost. I’m confused.

Some bald girl wearing a bad, two dollar wig from Ebay is holding me hostage.
I know you understand the urgency of my situation just by the simple fact that I’m contacting YOU for help. After all, it is well known that your people find my relatives delicious. But at this point I don’t care! Come rescue me please! Call Peta, call Chuck Norris, shit, call Paris Hilton! Lord knows what type of disease infested crabs might crawl on me just by sitting on that skank’s lap, but if that’s the sacrifice I have to make to be rescued from the evil clutches of Mrs. Jean Luke Picard, then so be it! Why must I endure the torture of being sandwiched between a bag of pork rinds and a cigarette? One time, she mistook me for a can of Red Bull and drank straight out of my ass. Crazy bitch didn’t even notice she was tossing my salad. (she wasn’t even good at it…and my ass smelled like onions for days on end.)

Help.

Love,
Bit Bit, The Chihuahua


I’m either running out of shit to say or these celebrities are boring the hell out of me. Yes, Brit shaved her head and went wacko, but it’s a sad kind of wacko, not the fun Tom Cruise, jump on the couch, pretend I like girls, spit on Brooke Shields wacko. He’s the master of cuckoo. No one compares. Where are you my Tom??



I miss you.

Have a great weekend everybody!!!!

9 comments:

Miss-Informed said...

Ahhh poor Steve, oops I mean Serena- that is one strong face she is sportin'. As far as Brittney goes why can't old J.T. stop bringing Sexy Back for a minute and maybe call a Bringin' Sanity back intervention? This poor girl NEEDS help as in NOW!

CP said...

Pissed myself at "sad ass weave that you got from the Kentucky Derby collection".

Pain. True pain from laughing. Until I read this statement...

"One time, she mistook me for a can of Red Bull and drank straight out of my ass. Crazy bitch didn’t even notice she was tossing my salad."

I vomited on my own tits.

CP

Madonna said...

That poor dog. Someone! Quick! Call Bob Barker! He can save that poor animal!

Webmiztris said...

holy hell! serena's starting to look like 50 Cent!

Anonymous said...

hey bitbit
was it that your ass smelled like ONIONS or was it FUNYUNS?

if it was funyuns, i can live with that. the kids would love you.

i would be happy to start adoption procedures asap--that is, after africa and the u.n. take that proctoscope out of my ass for the current adoption i'm trying to do. you must know, though, that i am not willing to endure probing, looking, touching, or any other damn thing on your account. so adopting your ass had better be a "please sign here and here and here" proposition.

if so, welcome to the family.

love,
madonna

karaoke queen said...

Yes - little serena, all growed up and grew a penis too. She is looking a little too manly.

Love the Hoff. I may have to buy that new hairspray movie just for daily laugh therapy.

Dear Bit Bit - don't worry - she's in rehab for awhile and KFed is looking after you for awhile - just pray that he doesn't mistake you for a bag of cheetoes left behind by his missus and eat you.

Where is Tom recently? He hasn't been making crazy publicity stunts lately...maybe he's back on the mother ship for some rest and relaxation.

jali said...

Serena is scary as hell! OMG.

The shaved head was to avoid the drug test (or so I heard) that KFed wanted her to take. I don't feel sorry for the spoiled rich druggie at all.

Tug said...

Both Williams sisters scare the HELL out of me! And you're right...they're all getting boring. Same shit, no new people...blah blah blah. But you handled it WELL.

Softball Slut said...

YEah Brit Brit going nuts was kinda sad. Almost as sad as the Anna Nicole trial thingy circus going on.