Fan Letter Friday: The Post That Eats Like A Meal

Dear Danny,

I think it’s a well known fact that ginger kids scare the bejeesus out of me (‘cept you Kristi..you’re ginger's alright wit me). I have a feeling that after seeing this picture I’m not going to be able to sleep for about a week without having nightmares about your nubby red nipples attacking me in a dark alley while Carrot Top holds me down. I don’t even know where to start this picture is so disturbing but let me give it a shot....
You look like a rash with hair. Okay that's a good start...
Being ripped does not excuse the fact that you’re 5 feet tall and you’re RED.

ALL OVER.

As in your eyebrows blend in with your nose.

You’re that ripped Scottish guy on the Simpsons (and really, I think I find HIM more attractive). So work out all you want, but I have a feeling when you walk by you’ll never heard the word “sexy” or the phrase “ooh intimidating fellow”…no no, I think you should be prepared for comments like:
“oh god what the fuck is that?” or “So THAT’S Carrot Top’s dad!” and quite possibly “…so you see kids…that is why you say no to drugs..and vodka…and cocaine…and steroids…and No Doze.”

OH and while you were busy getting your pec and ab implants, somewhere on a surgeon's table you’re belly button is cold and alone.

Seriously, where the fuck is your belly button??..

NO NO! Don’t pull your pants down any lower you sick ass firecrotch...oh god...
I suddenly feel like flesh eating leprechauns are crawling all over me.

Love, Me


Dear Fergie,

Fergalicious indeed.

So did you one up yourself and shit in your pants this time? Is that why you have that “I smell my own shit” look on your face? Did you decide to skip out on the makeup to warn kids about the dangers of Meth? I think the saying, “bad from afar and far from good” holds true here…oh…wait…..that’s not how the saying it goes, I meant, “tranny from afar and far from being a chick”…wait wait..that’s not right, I think it goes ..
”goddamn you look like a dude.”

Yeah. I think that’s it. Happy penis tucking.

Love, Me.




Dear Avril,

It is truly an injustice that I haven't met you in a dark alley somewhere because if I did, the next day’s headlines would read something like this:
“Avril horribly beaten with a size 5 shoe by poseur hating midget. Midget says, “You’re next Alanis…ehhhhhh???!”

Let’s be honest Avril, my daughter rocking the Playskool guitar is more punk rock than you. Aren’t you married to that guy who used to screw Paris Hilton? I’m sure you’re enjoying that burning sensation when you pee and those pus filled blisters in your mouth sure does give you a lovely “teenage angst” pout, even though you’re already thirty. You are SO hardcore. I mean, gosh, you stick your tongue out at cameras! You are SO Sid Vicious (if he grew up in Orange County.)

Chrissie Hynde would eat you for lunch. THAT is a rocker chick.

YOU are an American Idol reject, a cast member of the The Surreal Life and more importantly, a future recipient of my Law (kisses right bicep) and Order (kisses left bicep).

(Seriously people, there’s just something about this girl’s face that has “kick my ass PLEASE” written all over it.)

Love, me.


Dear Alanis,

You SCORED THIS!?!?!?

(Danny, please take note of Ryan's BELLYBUTTON and the fact that IT'S THERE.)

HIGH FIVE You crazy Canadian pimp you! I didn't know you rocked it like that Alanis!
Okay, maybe I don’t have to beat you up....
Where’s Celine?

Love, ME.

*** EDIT: They broke up TODAY. Guess Alanis wasn't such a pimp after all. Okay, you're back on the beatdown list Alanis...You're safe for now Celine.
For now.

Now shoo everbody.. go comment before I come looking for you...
I know you're scared.

I can bite knees like no one else.

and my jaws lock.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!