Friday, February 02, 2007

Fan Letter Friday: The Post That Eats Like A Meal

Dear Danny,

I think it’s a well known fact that ginger kids scare the bejeesus out of me (‘cept you Kristi..you’re ginger's alright wit me). I have a feeling that after seeing this picture I’m not going to be able to sleep for about a week without having nightmares about your nubby red nipples attacking me in a dark alley while Carrot Top holds me down. I don’t even know where to start this picture is so disturbing but let me give it a shot....
You look like a rash with hair. Okay that's a good start...
Being ripped does not excuse the fact that you’re 5 feet tall and you’re RED.

ALL OVER.

As in your eyebrows blend in with your nose.

You’re that ripped Scottish guy on the Simpsons (and really, I think I find HIM more attractive). So work out all you want, but I have a feeling when you walk by you’ll never heard the word “sexy” or the phrase “ooh intimidating fellow”…no no, I think you should be prepared for comments like:
“oh god what the fuck is that?” or “So THAT’S Carrot Top’s dad!” and quite possibly “…so you see kids…that is why you say no to drugs..and vodka…and cocaine…and steroids…and No Doze.”

OH and while you were busy getting your pec and ab implants, somewhere on a surgeon's table you’re belly button is cold and alone.

Seriously, where the fuck is your belly button??..

NO NO! Don’t pull your pants down any lower you sick ass firecrotch...oh god...
I suddenly feel like flesh eating leprechauns are crawling all over me.

Love, Me


Dear Fergie,

Fergalicious indeed.

So did you one up yourself and shit in your pants this time? Is that why you have that “I smell my own shit” look on your face? Did you decide to skip out on the makeup to warn kids about the dangers of Meth? I think the saying, “bad from afar and far from good” holds true here…oh…wait…..that’s not how the saying it goes, I meant, “tranny from afar and far from being a chick”…wait wait..that’s not right, I think it goes ..
”goddamn you look like a dude.”

Yeah. I think that’s it. Happy penis tucking.

Love, Me.




Dear Avril,

It is truly an injustice that I haven't met you in a dark alley somewhere because if I did, the next day’s headlines would read something like this:
“Avril horribly beaten with a size 5 shoe by poseur hating midget. Midget says, “You’re next Alanis…ehhhhhh???!”

Let’s be honest Avril, my daughter rocking the Playskool guitar is more punk rock than you. Aren’t you married to that guy who used to screw Paris Hilton? I’m sure you’re enjoying that burning sensation when you pee and those pus filled blisters in your mouth sure does give you a lovely “teenage angst” pout, even though you’re already thirty. You are SO hardcore. I mean, gosh, you stick your tongue out at cameras! You are SO Sid Vicious (if he grew up in Orange County.)

Chrissie Hynde would eat you for lunch. THAT is a rocker chick.

YOU are an American Idol reject, a cast member of the The Surreal Life and more importantly, a future recipient of my Law (kisses right bicep) and Order (kisses left bicep).

(Seriously people, there’s just something about this girl’s face that has “kick my ass PLEASE” written all over it.)

Love, me.


Dear Alanis,

You SCORED THIS!?!?!?

(Danny, please take note of Ryan's BELLYBUTTON and the fact that IT'S THERE.)

HIGH FIVE You crazy Canadian pimp you! I didn't know you rocked it like that Alanis!
Okay, maybe I don’t have to beat you up....
Where’s Celine?

Love, ME.

*** EDIT: They broke up TODAY. Guess Alanis wasn't such a pimp after all. Okay, you're back on the beatdown list Alanis...You're safe for now Celine.
For now.

Now shoo everbody.. go comment before I come looking for you...
I know you're scared.

I can bite knees like no one else.

and my jaws lock.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!

11 comments:

karaoke queen said...

Oh Ryan. You totally saved that last Blade movie - at least I think it was a Blade movie. I really only was watching when you took your shirt off in the movie. Mmmmmmmmmm. ***Drool*** Sorry what were we talking about?

Miss-Informed said...

Avril Lavigne is thirty??? Wow, she sure is going for the 19 year old look. She is weird with her vampire teeth and she reminds me of the offspring of Axle Rose.

Re: Danny B. - Yuck! A rash with hair!!! You really know how to be a voice for the masses. Too true!

D said...

I almost forgave you for that naked Danny B pic by closing with that delicious aperitif, Ryan R - but I accidently scrolled up and saw Danny again. *sigh*

Elaine said...

K-queen: Yeah, that's one hot piece. I don't even remember what that Blade sequel was aBOUT? something about him with no shirt on and ....vampires?? I could be wrong.

Miss-informed: no ..she's not thirty..she's like 22 or 23, but still..she needs to quit rockin' the 16 "paint on" pink hair. Ack that girl annoys me. And Danny...well....Danny speaks for itself.

D: Sorry girl. hope you don't get nightmares about ginger kids tonight..if you do call me..because I'm sure I'll still be up and terrified that Danny's belly buttonless stomach is going to come up from under the bed and scare me.

kfk said...

Whoa, the lack of a belly button is very strange. Perhaps it was eaten by those very large veins that are peeking up over his belt.

JenneLou said...

Holy shit woman! This was some funny shit! I can always count on FLF for Laugh out loud goodness!

I hate Fergie. Nasty.

And I never realized Ryan was such a hottie!

Oh, and my word verification is "buughha" which coincidentally very close to the sound I make when I see Fergie!

The Dormouse said...

Oh thats fergie?!?! I though that was Alexis Arquette. Wow, i was way off. Or was I....

Tug said...

Happy penis tucking

I'm still laughing over that!! k, done, back to drooling over Ryan... seriously, they broke up again? All is right with the world...

CP said...

"Aren’t you married to that guy who used to screw Paris Hilton?"


Um, can you be more specific?

CP

jali said...

Danny B. had a week or so when he wasn't bad.
Oh no - that was the other guy. Nevermind.

That Brad dude looks great!

Ball tucking should be taught in charm school.

Webmiztris said...

every time I see that picture of Ryan I spontaneously orgasm.