Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Adventures of Mrs. Ritchie's Bitch.

The Place: Target
Tools: Target Gift Card
The Mission: Sniff out the just released unedited Madonna DVD/CD. With BONUS FEATURES!! Oh baby, is it Christmas time AGAIN?! Hoooo wee!

1:30 p.m. Drove to Target. Parking was difficult due to idiots crowding up the parking lot waiting for the sweet spot at the front of the store. Because god forbid they park too far and have to walk a few seconds in the rain (..it was barely sprinkling people..).
Using my midget stealth and craftiness, I found the first available parking spot and braved the elements (two wet drops on my t-shirt). I walked passed the line of cars waiting for parking, laughed, pointed and shouted:

“FOOLS! Bwahahahahha..!!!”

and then I slipped on the asphalt, skinned my knee and walked shamefully into Target.
Lesson learned Mother Karma. Lesson Learned.

1:35 p.m. Wander the store aimlessly with a slight limp (skinned my knee remember?). At this time, I was unable to find the cd/dvd/entertainment department. Panic sets in.

1:45 p.m. AHA! I spotted a flat screen T.V. in the corner of my eye, beckoning me to partake in the newly released DVDs displayed below it. Panic replaced by excitement. I fart a little.
Apologies to the guy behind me. Why yes, I did have a burrito for lunch, whyever do you ask?

1:55 p.m. Wandering the department aimlessly, looking at newly released DVDs display with no luck. Panic sets in again. Palms sweating. The search continues.

2:00 p.m. Lets see.....Babel….March Of The Penguins…The Illusionist…..holy Maria Mother of Juan…where fore art thou is Madonna!?!? The thought of possibly having to order it through Amazon and (GASP) wait 3 days for it to get here, causes me to start hyperventilating uncontrollably. Short of breath, I huddle in between the self help and diet books and babble incoherently as I sway frantically to and fro.

2:05 p.m. Before a full out Rain Man incident occurred, a savior comes to my aid in the form of a gay guy in a faded red Target smock. He doesn’t even have to ask. I can see in his eyes that he is a wise one who can sense a distressed hag within a 10 mile radius.
He knows what I seek.
He leads.
I follow.

2:07 p.m. My savoir hands me the vacuumed sealed Madonna goodness with a calm smile and gently says, “It’s on sale girl.”
I hold back my tears….(and fart just a little.)

2:08 p.m. Due to unforeseen circumstances (I blacked out from excitement), I do not recall the events that occurred at this time.

2:10 p.m. I was led to the 10 items or less checkout line by my Target savior. He advised me not to go on Madonna excursions without my licensed gay Madonna sponsor (Hi Joey!) until I had more experience under my belt.
He disappears into the electronics department, leaving a scent of Curious perfume in his wake. I forgive his bad taste in perfume and thanked him.

2:12 p.m. I presented my Target gift card. (thanks San!) The cashier ran it through, bagged my treasure and sent me on my way.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.




UNHEALTHY:

10 comments:

Tug said...

I was waiting to hear the gift card had expired or something. I'd have shed a tear for you then.

Madonna likes skinned knees. or so I've heard.....

Miss-Informed said...

Look it you in full out Madonna bliss. I know you are farting as you embrace this cd/dvd set. Ahhh the excitement, the ecstasy, the breaking wind. It's a beautiful sight! Haha.

karaoke queen said...

CON-GRA-TU-LATIONS! I think you need a pic with the same expression as the Madge on the cover there :D

jali said...

All this time I'm thinking 'Laine loves the mother of jesus - the madonna. See the 'pino part of my family are religious nuts so I just assumed...shit..is that racist of me?

I'm like a virgin occasionally - bitchy and bitter - so can I play along with you guys?

Seriously - I'm glad you found Nirvana!

Elaine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elaine said...

tug: you would have heard my scream echo around the world if my gift card was rejected. Then I would be front page for biting a poor unsuspecting Target cashier in the neck. "Midget girl bites Target Employee - she says he deserved it. Story at 11.")

miss-informed: it IS a beautiful sight isn't it? Although the smell around me can be described as something else...

Karaoke Queen- you know, I tried taking a picture like Madonna on the cover, but I ended up looking like a really cheap blow up doll that you can buy at some Cambodian 99 cent store...

Jali: Girl, that's not racist, that's fact. I'm the only Buddhist going 'Pino as far as I know...lol!
Well seeing St. Madge was a religious experience. Does that count?

Greg said...

Sorry, someone should have informed you that "Ray of Light" is where it's at. :)

The Dormouse said...

First of all, thanks for stopping by and spreadin the love! I am back, thats right. Maybe not so much at the other places i've written. But i'm back here bloggin bloggety blog blog.

I loved your account of this most important of adventures. But I must say, while the farting was amusing, I think my favorite part is...Lesson learned Mother Karma. Lesson Learned...HA!

SHADOW said...

Was it fate for me to find this blog based on the post you made on andriajolie? Your witty and fun = my new best friend.

Madonna said...

I can see we had the same idea in mind. I had a gift card from Best Buy (see: The headphone replacement from hell situation). I took a friend there to get him a birthday gift, and while walking around (keep in mind, this was right after recovering from the longest TPIR trip ever - my brains were still fried), it dawned on me... "Wait a damn minute. Ain't this the 31st?! The CD/DVD is out!"..

So, I pace over to the CD section, go to Queen Madonna (which, for some silly reason, is in M and just says "Madonna") and voila! A few dozen copies, right in front of my face...

So, I not only snagged that, but the I'm Going To Tell You A Secret CD/DVD - which I hadn't yet gotten because I was waiting for BMG to hopefully start carrying it (I STILL have a free selection through them).

That being said, I fail to see anything unhealthy at all about those pictures. :P