Monday, January 29, 2007

This Post Brought To You By Tyra, Porkchops and The Swap Meet.

My humble little blog, on a good day, gets an average of about 60 to 70 hits per day, (50 of those from me.) I honestly don't care how many "hits" I get, I'm just glad that people take the time to come here and read the nonsense that speweth out of my stubby yet nimble fingers. However, this past weekend I got about 500 hits on Saturday and 400 hits on Sunday, which peaked my curiosity. The keyword that repeatedly brought people to my site: "Tyra" and "Porkchop" or a combination of the two words. I guess I wrote about Tyra on one of my Fan Letter Friday rants. Wierd but hey, much thanks to Tyra and Pork Chops for bringing traffic my way. But here's my stance on the whole "Tyra is fat" thing.
She's a FORMER supermodel who has been "thin" throughout her career. Personally, I say GORGE OUT! She's not a supermodel anymore and she has two successful shows, can't a sistah have a bucket o' fries slathered in gravy once in a while?? Damn people. How come no one is saying how swollen Leonardo Dicaprio is lookin' lately? Has anyone noticed the stay puff marshmallow that is Dicaprio? Now to be fair, he's not fat, but he's not fit, he's just "blaog" (that's midget for bloated and "ugh"...accentuate the "og" part by jutting your tongue it down for future reference.) Lately, Dicap's been sportin' a double chin like it's the new Prada bag.

Nothing hides water retention like a half-assed goatee. Go LEO!!! And what about Mr. Tom Cruise? Much as I love me some batshit crazy Cruise, it looks like they're expecting another baby...but this time, Tom decided to let Katie take a break and endure the 9 month gestation period on his own. (To be fair, alien babies fertlize better inside males. Read up on your Scientology people. Do I have to teach you everything??)

So lets lay off the Tyra peeps. And Tyra, if you want to enjoy your success in the form of a chicken fried steak, go to it and have two helpings for me. I ain't mad atcha. In fact, I'm sending over a Costco sized box of Spam and Tang to help you out. (Sorry DD, I'll get you a box soon.)

Okay, on to more interesting news.....
this weekend the hubster and I decided to get rid of the crap we couldn't get rid of on Craigslist and Ebay, at the swap meet. There's a huge one here in San Diego, called Kobe's, so we piled our ceramic Elvis heads (mine), New Kids On The Block memorabilia (uh. yeah. that's mine)and human skull collection (don't ask.), bought a space at the swap and The Gala Ala Crap began!
Before we could even unload our shit, there were already some early bird vultures hovering around our boxes of used oven mits and toilet paper. One girl actually stood by the bed of our truck, grabbed a box from the hubster and dove into it like Ellen Degeneres diving into a "Porsche(a)." (eh eh..get it?? get it?? ok. sorry. that was REALLY bad.)
I used my visual merchandising skillz (I'm licensed and degree-ed in this people) and presented the hubster's jock strap, my scuffed, neon green Spice Girl boots (with fish tank heels,) an old plastic chair with a missing leg and the rest of our (fools) gold mine of junk with such flair that the poor, unsuspecting swap meet shoppers were walking away from our stand in a hypnotic daze, holding onto a naked plastic Barbie doll with no head that they happily purchased for 5 bucks. (phew run-on. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. AAAANNDDD exhale.)

I didn't know the depth of my swap meet pimp power until I sold a pair of Brad's old krusty boots for three dollars. I was ready to throw those suckers away but I just didn't have the heart to t evict the old lady and her kids from those boots..(oh DAMN. that was REALLY bad. I'm so sorry you guys. I just can't help myself. The corny is running out of my ears today.)

Okay, okay, so I wasn't THAT bad ass in my selling skillz. We were pretty much giving our shit away with our 1.00 dollar bin O' crap that stood prominently in the front of our space (draws them in like flies...). Our price range were pretty much 1.00 to about 10 bucks, with the exception of some new stuff and sports stuff we had that was still under 20 bucks. However, I was surprised at some people's desperate attempt to bargain the price DOWN even more! Listen, I don't hate on people who bargain, I myself bargain here and there. HOWTHEFUCKEVER, if I'm selling you a BRAND NEW PURSE I bought for 40 bucks (what the hell was I thinking?? Before the era of the messenger bag/mommy bag in disguise...I barely even carried a purse. If I couldn't stuff it in my pocket, I'm not carrying it. Lip gloss and tampons be damned..oh..digressing..sorry.) Where were we? Oh right. I'm selling you a BRAND NEW...tag still on it.. Elaine approved purse (that in itself is priceless) for THREE DOLLARS and you have the nerve to look at me like I sharted in your bowl of macaroni? As if I'M BEING unreasonable with the price?!

And THEN she DARED say:
"I'll pay you one dollar."

which made me ask:

"Did you actually just SAY those words OUT LOUD?"

which made the hubby spit out his nachos in laughter,

which then made the cheapest lady in the world walk away with the echo of our cackles following her into the next aisle.

I did sell the purse for three dollars to a very appreciative teenager spending her mom's money.
And all was right with the world.

The Gala Ala Crap profited us a little under three hundred dollars. With only a handful of crap leftover. ( How my New Kids On The Block coffee table book wasn't snatched up in two seconds I'll never know.) Not bad for standing around talking shit and eating churros for 3 hours. We have even more crap in our garage and we decided to make this a monthly thing until we're all cleared up.

So more swap meet magic stories to come..... Stay Tuned.


Judy said...

Didn't I give you that ceramic Elvis bust made in Tijuana when we were like 13 years old??? (Imagine me with those sad Sponge Bob eyes). It hurts.... It hurts so bad...I thought it meant a lot more to you? LOL--I can't believe you kept that thing so long.

Leilouta said...

Well at least you made about 300$ :) Your story is worth it. I sometimes think of having a yard sale to try and get rid of all our junk, but then feel uncomfortable showing all my shit and secrets to the neighbors. You never know what they will say about you the following day

Elaine said...

YES JUDY! It was your Elvis head gift. I loved that thing!!! I didn't want to part with it, but the corners were chipped and it didn't look to snazzy in my Elvis half bathroom. So I had to sell it. When the guy bought it, I held onto to it a bit to long and he had to struggle to get it from my grasp.

I cried inside when my Elvis head walked away from me.

Elaine said...

Leilouta: That's why you do the swap meet thing. I live about a half an hour away from the swap meet, so we didn't know anyone who was rifling through our stuff.

Softball Slut said...

I am going to have to have a garage sale before I move from my house to an apartment. I am such a packrat. I am going to have to start posting things about current events to see how many people can hit my blog.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'd rather donate and do tax deductions than do a yard sale. God bless you.

jali said...

I want to come to Munchkinland and hang out with you and the crew! I wnat to help you sell stuff. I am your bitch!

Great editorial on Tyra.